WTF Wars
by RenegadeZabuzaMomochi
Summary: In order to stop evil, they must combine their strengths. With Jin Kazama's stupidity, Siegfried Schtauffen's 'nanana' addiction and Cloud Strife's crossdressing, can they triumph? Or surrender and be forced to watch reruns of Arthur?
1. The Phantom Anus

**The Phantom Anus**

"Yes, this is it!" Nightmare exclaimed, lifting Soul Edge in the sky as his armour combusts. Nightmare began coughing violently as the smoke disappeared. Just then, a sudden light appeared before him, revealing a familiar form.

"What the hell?"

"Hey, what's going on?"

A Japanese man began looking around the place with a spatula and a chef's hat. He looked at Nightmare as they stared blankly at one another for a minute.

"I am Nightmare, wielder of Soul Edge! The azure terror!"

"Did you interrupt me from my cooking session?"

"Uhhh... no."  
"Haven't I seen you before?"

"Yeah, when NAMCO suddenly placed you in one of our series. Heihachi, I remember."

"Oh, yeah."

The Japanese man threw away the spatula and chef's hat, placing his arms in front of him; all he was wearing was a white mowashi, much to Nightmare's displeasure. Nightmare edged away a bit, feeling uncomfortable with the Japanese man's stance.

"What?" the Japanese man asked.

"Why in the hell are you wearing a large diaper?"

"For the sake of Kami... they're NOT diapers! This a mowashi belt, worn for traditional--"

"Diapers."

"At least I'm proud to show some skin. What about you, who's wearing that blue tin-can for twenty-four hours!"

"Hey, I wouldn't talk! With that pose, you can't tell if you're constipated or dingleberries are falling out of your diapers..."

"Oh, quit it with the diaper jokes! I've had enough from my gay adopted son."

"Oh, you mean Lee?"

"Yeah."  
"He sucks. I hate it when he does that infinite kick combo."

"Not to mention in one of his endings, he has me in a thong."

"Yeah, that was something I haven't planned on seeing."

"Hey, don't blame me. Lee's gay, and somewhat incestuous."  
"Wasn't he adopted, though?"  
"Well, let's just say he's queer."  
"Yeah..."

For a while, Nightmare and Heihachi just looked at the ground. A moment passes, and a tumble weed rolls past them. Out of boredom, Nightmare lifts Soul Edge on his shoulders as an idea pops in his head.

"Want to kill people?"

"Will it involved throwing boys in volcanos?"  
"Yeah. And I will kill them with my Soul Edge! Bwuahaha!" Nightmare boldly lifts up the weapon in the sky.

"That looks like a galley oar."

Nightmare looked at the 'weapon' he held in the air. After noticing its shape, he lowered his shameful head, shaking it.

"Eh, let's go get something to eat."

"Sounds good to me. I was in the middle of Iron Chef anyway."

_Meanwhile, in a distant land far from wherever Heihachi and Nightmare were..._

A Teutonic knight stands in the middle of an pentagon-shaped arena, lifting his right hand to meet his face. With a zweihander sheathed on his back, with the width nearly as wide as his body, he begins to look into the setting sun.

"Father... I will live on. To live... that is my redemption."

Slowly, he turns around to exit the grounds. But as luck comes about, he slips on a banana peel, causing him to land flat on his face.

"I shouldn't have eaten before I fought Night Terror."

_Flashback to ten minutes ago._

The Germanic knight sits on his zweihander's body laid flat, munching slowly and loudly like a retard on a banana with delight; his eyes closed in ecstasy of its flavor, his head lifted up as he savors the taste in his mouth, smiling and moaning once in a while before Night Terror arrives.

"Mmmmm. Nanana," he says with a mouthful.

He throws the banana peel away randomly, resuming fighting position.

_End of flashback._

Getting up, he begins to hear voices speaking indirectly. Out of the blue, a ghost appears in front of him. The knight stands pale-faced before the entity, holding back a shriek. Unfortunately for him, he shrieks which causes yellow liquid to drip out of his armour.

"Oh, my God! Bob Dole!"

"Siegfried, you dumbass. I'm your father!"

"Noooooooooo!"

"What the hell?"

"I mean, you died. I killed you."

"Yeah, remind me to blame your mother on that."

"Why?"

"She had a habit of trying to kill me when I tried to surprise her with gifts."

"Like the time when we played Find-The-Tushie under the blankets?"

"You what..."  
"Mama and I used to find things under the blanket. At first, I felt uncomfortable when she told me it required us to be naked."

"Damn... the... whore..."

"What was that?"  
"Nothing. Anyway, what I came here for was to congratulate you."

"Hey, thanks!"

"Anyway, I have to get back to Heaven; Jesus is throwing Moses a birthday party."

"Isn't he Jewish?"  
"How am I supposed to know? I'm Mormon."

"Bye, daddy!" Siegfried waved his hands frantically.

After giving Siegfried an irritated expression and a raised eyebrow, the apparition disappears into nothingness. Siegfried returns his seriousness, grabbing his zweihander as he begins to travel away from the grounds.

"Father... I will live on!"

"I know! You told me three minutes ago!" yelled a voice.

"Oh, yeah. Well, no use being here anymore," Siegfried says, skipping away while singing the opening theme song to 'Teletubbies.'

_Some place._

In the busy streets of Tokyo, a group of teenagers take a stroll around the region. The loudest one, with orange hair, continues babbling to a Japanese man, whose spiky hair is covered with the protection of his hood. A group of girls consisting of one Chinese, one Japanese, one Brazilian and one Native-American, gossip behind the Korean orange-head, the silent Japanese, and the blond British man.

"So who do **you** have crush on, Christie?!" the young Chinese woman skipped along, her pig tails bouncing along with her.

"Um…. I don't want to say…" replied the well endowed Brazilian, biting her lower lip slightly.

"Ewwww…" the Japanese woman began to stretch her hands over her head, the gloved fingers intertwining, her partially zipped up jacket exenterating her chest. "I bet it's that Marduk guy, isn't it?"

The Brazilian began to blush, "What?! No! No, it's not him! It's… err… Eddy! Yeah! Eddy Gordo is the love of my life! Oh God! He's so cute! Yeeeeah! Eddy!" she had gone into a loop, as though trying to prove she was in love with Eddy and not Marduk.

"What do you think, Julia?" Asuka turned around to speak to the supposed 'Native' American, but found herself facing the back of said Indian. Her hands were clasped together, brought just in front of her chest. "Spirits… Give me strength."

"Seriously, Julia… Do you have to do that EVERY TIME someone says something to you?!" Julia stared at the girl for a moment, then turned around and asked the spirits for strength again.

"Yeah! Well I think Christie likes ME!" the fiery haired Korean boasted. "After all, I'm smart! I'm funny! I have red hair."

"You wear fucking goggles, mate." the British boxer seemed rather annoyed with the Korean. "Besides… all the ladies want me."

"Don't be so coy, Steve…" Jin muttered from beneath his hood.

"Jin… do you even know what 'coy' means?" replied Steve.

"Well…. Okay, you caught me!"

"Hey guys," Xiaoyu seemed to be pouting and looking around frantically, "Has anyone seen Julia?" In the distance (about three blocks back) could be heard the voice of the young woman. "SPIRITS, GIVE ME STRENGTHHHHHHH!"

"What... the... fuck?" the group stared at Julia spreading her arms in the air, attracting unwanted attention. They walked away from her because of embarrassment, pulling their collars up their face.

Just then, Julia came running up to the group. It seems like she caught up from their little escape plan. She began throwing punches in the air with rhythm. All of a sudden, "Eye of the Tiger" from the _Rocky_ series started playing, just as she jogged past the group.

_"It's the eyes of the tiger._

_It's the thrill of the fight._

_Rising up to the challenge of our rival!_

_And the last known survivor--"_

Steve punched the girl on her face, making her skid on the floor all the way to an adult video shop. It took her a minute to regain consciousness and scream out of the store. She stomped over to the laughing group, kicking Hwoarang's groin, totally mistaken the person responsible. He fell on the floor, wincing in pain.

"That's what you get, you Korean poo-poo head!" Julia screamed.

"Poo-poo head?" the others asked.

"Maybe she's a virgin," Asuka whispered to Xiaoyu who gasped.

"My mother said I can't say 'shit' or I'd get in real deep shit," Julia explained. The group stared at her stupid comment. They went back to traveling.

_Somewhere in England._

"Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh, God, that feels so good! Don't stop!" an English woman screams.

"You like that? Tell daddy what you want!" yells her old-aged butler.

"I want daddy to rub all the honey on my foot!"

And as she requested, the butler paints the English woman's foot, making her squeal and moan from the tickling fervour. She clutches on her bed sheets to try to contain herself, all the while making the pleasure more... pleasureable.

"Now can I go for poker night, Countess Valentine?"

"Did you finish your homework?"

"Yes."

"Wash the dishes?"

"Yes."

"Scrub the toilets?"

"Yes," he says as he holds up a plumber, a shower cap and an apron wrapped around his waist.

"Fix my Siegfried shrine with a wooden stick so I can have imaginary sexual intercourse with him because he thinks I'm a psycho so I have to make an adequate model of the German hot stuff?"

"Yes," he said, fixing the head of the wooden model of Siegfried Schtauffen.

"You can go."

"Yipee!" the butler screams, jumping for joy.

"Meanwhile, that wooden double has some business with me tonight. As... Wonder Woman!" the English woman known as Ivy Valentine strips her usual dominatrix-esque outfit, taking a new attire which was a stolen suit from Wonder Woman's lair. Or invisible jet.

_Wonder Woman inside her invisible jet._

"Clark-honey, have you seen my suit?" Wonder Woman pokes her head out of the bathroom with a towel on.

"Did you check the drawers?" Superman calls out from the jet's bedroom, wrapped in invisible blanket.

"I have drawers in this thing?"

_Back at the mansion._

"Oh, Siegfried will sure love this!" Ivy adjusts her bra, revealing more than they should, but she's too buxom anyway, it couldn't contain their size so they showed everything but her nipples.

_K-Mart waiting line._

Siegfried stands with a cart filled with Herbal Essence, Star Wars lightsabers and Puppychow. Then he sneezes.

"Ugh. Somebody must be thinking of me again," he says, rubbing his nose.

_At the mansion._

"Now is the time to have Siegfried come to me! Or on me." Ivy jumps out of her window, soaring in the sky because she somehow learned the ability to fly. The crew from NASA smiles and give thumbs up.

"Orbitz. The fresh way is the greater way," Kurt Cobain with a British accent says for the NASA crew.


	2. Green Light

_At some restaurant named Scwharzqueef's Mug 'n Chug._

"Yes, I would like the 'Whore Platter,'" said Heihachi.

"And I would like the headless Chinese immigrant." Nightmare folded his menu.

"Good choice, gentlemen," the waiter said, tapping a bunch of dots on his notepad as he leaves the two.

"So, how in the world did you get sent back again? I mean, Soul Calibur III is already finished." Nightmare looked at Heihachi.

"No idea, actually. I was in the middle of my cooking sessions when all of a sudden, I was about to enjoy one of my ritualistic four hour farts, a green light sucked me into something. Then I appeared here," said Heihachi. He was still wearing his mowashi, except he had a bow tie.

"I get it. I was wondering why you'd be back. I thought NAMCO was making you a guest character again."

"Well, they would have FAX-ed me. Which reminds me, what's your number?"

"Number?" Nightmare raised an eyebrow from the confines of his armoured helmet.

"Phone number."

"What's a phone?"

"What do you mean, what's a phone?"

"I don't know what that is."

"So you're telling me you can play Soul Calibur and Tekken in the 15th century and instant message each other but not have a phone?"

"Nope." Nightmare shook his head.

"Oh. What's your e-mail?"

"What's an e-mail?"

"For instant messaging."

"What's instant messaging?"

"God damn it. How do you people communicate around here?" Heihachi was gritting his teeth.

"Msn."

"You guys have Msn?"

"Yep."

"Don't you need to make an account from Hotmail or Msn's main page?"

"Nah. It's first name, first own."

"Aaaahhh." Heihachi understood now.

"Here's your Whore Platter and Decapitated Chinese Immigrant, gentlemen," said the waiter, presenting Heihachi with a mixed dish of meat and vegetables that spelled out "WHORE PLATTER" while he gave Nightmare a headless Asian man made by dough.

"About time," Heihachi said, lifting his fork up.

"I always loved Chinese," Nightmare squirmed, sinking his teeth into his life-sized Chinese man dish.

_Meanwhile. Our hero Siegfried begins his day._

"The bus on the wheels go 'round and 'round. 'Round and 'round. 'Round and 'round. The bus on the--oh. OH. OH! OPH! COME OUT, YOU DIRTY SON OF A TURD!" Siegfried looked upside down, staring at his... chocolate rocket launching into... planet Flush.

Siegfried faces forwards, clenching his teeth as his face turns a very painful red, his veins are even seen popping out. He continues grunting, his elbows planted together while he pushes and pushes, squatting on his toilet bowl. The painful process of digestion frustrates Siegfried, as he clutches both of his legs together.

"ONE-MORE-PUSH-TO-GO-OR-NOT-WAIT-THERE-IT-IS-AND-WHY-DO-I-HAVE-PARADE-MAGAZINE-ON-MY-BATHROOM-WALL-GOODBYE-MISTER-POOPY. Ahhh." Siegfried calmly exhales, hearing a splash land on the water of the toilet. He opens up a newspaper, reading the comic section. Afterwards, he laughs hysterically.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GARFIELD! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Siegfried laughs, reading the title of the comic section. Then, he flips the next page to find some Blondie comics.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GARFIELD!" Siegfried laughs, holding his unwashed palm on his forehead, still sitting on his toilet bowl.

"Hey, Siegfried, are you done because..." Kilik enters the room to find Siegfried squatting on the toilet bowl with glasses. He tips the newspaper and his reading glasses down, looking at Kilik.

"Shhhh." Siegfried says while placing his index finger on his lips. Kilik slowly closes the door.

_The gang enter some shopping boutique._

"Yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay!" Xiaoyu jumps up and down.

"What the hell is '_Gucci_'?" Jin raises an eyebrow.

"It's a shopping boutique. Duh," Asuka informs him.

"Shopping boutique?"

"Yeah, where you shop for clothes, Jin." Julia nods. For a while, Jin stares at her.

Jin begins a series of inhaling and exhaling anxiously, clutching on his heart.

"Oh, no. He's hyperventilating! Quick!" Asuka runs to Jin. Hwoarang runs around in circles, Xiaoyu grasps Jin's throat shaking him, Asuka and Christie try to pry Xiaoyu from Jin, Julia does the rain dance and Steve calls for an ambulance.

"Thank you for calling 1-800-Naughty-Phone-Sex. Press 1 if you want Italian. Press 2 if you want Italian. Press 3 if you want non-Italian. Press 4 if you wish to talk to an operator. Press 0 for Big Al." Steve listens to the categories while it says aloud on his speakerphone.

"Steve! What's taking so long? And what was that!" Julia yelled, her left knee up and her hands make a cup frame.

"Hold on. Oh. No wonder, I accidentally pressed speed dial." Steve chuckles.

"You actually saved that?" Christie raised an eyebrow.

"Just in case," Steve said, pressing the numbers for 911.

"Weird..." Asuka and Christie say.

"Hey. What's the number for 911?" Steve looked at the girls. Christie and Asuka slowly turn around to stare at Steve right in the eye.

"Oh, yeah." Steve dialed the number for 911.

"Don't die, Jin! Don't die! Don't- DIE!" Xiaoyu began choking him furiously; to the point where he somehow managed to have X-shaped eyeballs and his tongue began flapping out from his mouth.

"Xiao! Let him go! You're killing him!" Christie yelled.

"Hummmmmmmmmmmm," Julia began in an Indian squat.

"Julia, what are you doing?" Asuka looked at her with her eyebrows lowered.

"Trying to find Jin's spirit. I think Xiaoyu accidentally choked him to death." Julia closed her eyes.

"Jin? Jin? Jin! JIN!? JIN!? JIN-JIN-JIN?!" Xiaoyu shook Jin around. Christie checked for pulse. She shook her head.

"Jin's... gone." Christie frowns.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Xiaoyu begins hugging Jin so tightly; Jin begins flapping his arms again after regaining some consciousness.

"Mmmpphu. Gmphr Gphming Mph! Mphet Ghmpf!" Jin muffled while Xiaoyu buried Jin's face on her chest so tightly. (Jin's mumbled words: Xiaoyu. You're choking me! Get off!)

"WHY, JIN!? WHY DID YOU DIE?!" Xiaoyu repeated through sobs.

"Ling. I think he's alive," Christie began to say, leaning a little while she pointed at Jin begging to be released.

"NO, HE'S NOT! YOU'RE ONLY DELUSIONAL BECAUSE JIN DIED AND LEFT US ALL ALONE IN THIS CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!" Xiaoyu continued.

"I found Jin!" Julia jumped up, placing an imaginary box on top of Xiaoyu. Suddenly, Xiaoyu springs up.

"Thanks, Julia. Another minute under that I would have been- hey, why do I sound like..." Jin looked down, to see his body with spinning spirals in his eyes. He looked at his shirt to find him dressed in... a pink Hello Kitty shirt and pink skort. He was in Xiaoyu's body.

"What in the world?" Asuka looked at Xiaoyu.

"Oh, yeah. I accidentally put Jin's animal spirit into Xiaoyu's body. Sorry." Julia blushed, squishing the ground shyly.

"Just put me back." Jin slumped.

"Okay. Spirits... give me strength. And a discount because I'm an American. Hummmmmmmmmmmmm." Julia began her trance in an Indian squat with her index fingers and thumbs touching each other. Suddenly, Xiaoyu falls to the ground and Jin springs up. Now both stand up, shaking their heads.

"JIN! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Xiaoyu ran up to him, hugging him tightly.

"Yeah-yeah. Yo..u c..a..n.. let.. g..o NOW!" Jin tried to say.

"Oops." Xiaoyu gasped, placing her palm on her lips.

"Don't worry, Kazama! I'll save you!" yelled Hwoarang, running as he throws a cooler filled with ice and cold water over Jin's head.

"What the hell, man?" Jin looked at Hwoarang with annoyance.

"I must have been late, huh?" Hwoarang rubbed the back of his head.

"Yes," everyone but Steve replied.

"Hey, guys, do you want our pizza hand-tossed or crusted?" Steve planted his hand over the speaker of his phone, looking at the group who just stared at him.

"Didn't you call for emergency?" Asuka asked.

"Oh. I forgot. Hello? Yeah, I'm gonna have to put you on hold..." Steve returned back to his phone.

'Dumbass,' everyone thought.

"Hey, what the..." Jin started.

"Oooh, what does this light do?" Xiaoyu began to poke the green light surrounding the group. Before they knew it, they were sucked in.

_Back at with Siegfried and friends._

"Siegfried, come on out! Now!" Xianghua stomped her foot furiously at the locked bathroom door.

"Hold on! What do you need?" Siegfried yelled.

"I need to brush my teeth!"

"There's no tampon in here! Ask Kilik where he put the groceries."

"I don't need tampon! I need to brush my teeth!"

"I just said there's no tampon!"

"I DON'T **NEED** TAMPON! I **NEED** TO BRUSH MY TEETH!" Xianghua yelled so loud, it caused the house to shake. It also made the couch Kilik was on jump up while he was watching 8 Simple Rules. His sandwich flopped up, causing some lettuce to splatter on the floor. He shrugged.

"YEAH, AND LIKE I SAID, THERE'S NO TAMPON IN HERE!" Siegfried yelled back.

"I TOLD YOU, I DON'T NEED TAMPON!" Xianghua was beginning to bang on the bathroom door.

"If you keep it up, you might want to reconsider," Kilik spoke up, munching on his sandwich.

"Grrr..." Xianghua shot Kilik a death glare.

"Nevermind." Kilik slumped.

"Forget it. I'll just brush my teeth in the kitchen." Xianghua stormed off, stomping each step of the way.

"Well, that was a relief." Kilik returned to his show.

"Hey, Xianghua, I found an un-open tampon I thought you might wanna... Xianghua? Xianghua?" Siegfried had come out of the bathroom without anything on, standing in between Kilik and the television while he looked around for Xianghua.

"Now where did she go?" Siegfried began scratching his head. He looked at Kilik.

"What?" Siegfried asked.

"It burns! Must! Not! Look! At! Other! Naked! Men! Because! We'd! Be! Victimized! Into! Gay! Fan! Fiction! SiegfriedPutSomeClothesOn!" Kilik covered his eyes, shielding Siegfried's naked body from him.

"Oh well." Siegfried returned back to the bathroom. He opened up the newspaper again and read the comic section. He begun laughing hysterically once he read the line "Garfield."

"Eh? What the hell?" Kilik was sucked into a green beam. A tomato falls on the floor while the commercials play.

_The kitchen._

"God, that guy can be such an idiot sometimes. But then again, Siegfried's a sweetie. He's just... educationally challenged. He's pretty cute, too! Oh, and Kilik. Gah," Xianghua says while brusing her teeth. She begins tapping her toothbrush at the side of her sink, and started washing it until she feels her body feeling light.

"Hey, what's this?" Xianghua touched the end of the green light barrier, but she disappears. Her toothbrush falls on the floor.

_Just as Siegfried exits..._

"Ahhh, that was fantastic. Huh? Where's Kilik?" Siegfried wondered, looking at the couch. He saw a tomato and gasped. And some green ooze.

"He must have been Kilik-napped! Xianghua! Xianghua!" Siegfried ran into the kitchen, only to find the sink running and her tooth brush on the floor still soaked with Crest. Refreshing.

"No! Not her, too!" Siegfried picked up the toothbrush. Then some dramatic music plays.

"DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

"What will I do? Oh, wait a minute. Those two might be doing the nasty. Bleck." Siegfried grimaced, but he began making his way to one of their rooms. After inspecting all three rooms, he found none of them in sight. He practically searched his house, turning it inside out. Now all of their furniture was outside.

"Are you having a garage sale?" a fat lady passing by asks Siegfried.

"Garage sale? Huh? What? Shoo!" Siegfried swats the fat lady away.

"Mommy, that man is nakey!" a little girl points at Siegfried's... front.

"Sweetie, don't look! Only mommy can look," the lady said, covering her daughter's eyes.

"But, wouldn't daddy say it's not nice?"

"Not now, sweetie!"

"Uhhh..." Siegfried began. Suddenly, women started flocking towards the naked German.

"How ya' doin', handsome?" asks some random girl with a cowboy hat and a Texan accent.

"I always thought mastodons died in the ice age," some brunette girl winked.

"When are you free?" an old lady with her walker and dangly false teeth tries walking up to him.

"Look! It's Fabio!" Siegried pointed behind the crowd of women.

"Like we'd fall for that one," said a redhead, rolling her eyes. The rest nodded.

"No, really. He's coming over here." Siegfried motioned.

"Allu, ladies! I'm Pabio!" Fabio flashed his smile.

"Oh, my God!" the women started flocking to Fabio. Siegfried took this opportunity to run back in the house, leaving their furniture outside.

"Oh, wait a minute. I forgot something." Siegfried ran outside.

"Nooooooooooooooo! I'm all alone!" Siegfried yelled on his knees, still naked and his arms raised in the air. It caused the women to look back at Siegfried, getting interested again.

"Uh oh." Siegfried gulps. He runs back into the house, followed by the women as he ran into the bathroom. He locked it and sat on the toilet, feeling some tension inside his intestines again.

"Here it... COMES!" Siegfried grunted, holding on to the seat of the toilet. Suddenly, the green light sucks Siegfried in, leaving some droplets of... droppings to drop inside of the toilet.

"One, two... and THREE!" the women yelled, using the old lady as a battering ram to open the door. Unfortunately, all they got was a cloister of brown surprise left by Siegfried.

_Somewhere in a dojo in Korea..._

"Eh. You're not bad." Seong Mina approaches Yunseong with her zanbatou behind her hips, titling her head at the bruised Yunseong.

"Keh... heh..." Yunseong blows smoke from his mouth. His body literally burnt.

"Let that be the final lesson to you that there's a big difference between girls' and boys' shower rooms." Seong Mina smirks as she turns around, making her way out of the battle arena.

"Wait! Mina!" Yunseong quickly recovers.

"What?" Seong Mina turns around curiously.

"I don't have lose to fools like you!" Yunseong gave some kicks in the air.

"All right. Let's see what you're made of." Seong Mina spun her Scarlet Thunder in circles.

"ROUND: ONE... FIGHT!" yelled a mysterious voice which showed visuals of a yellow "ROUND: ONE... FIGHT!" font.

Seong Mina spun her zanbatou at Yunseong who easily dodged the attack. Or not.

Yunseong ran right on the bottom of her zanbatou, where, by somehow obtaining slow motion, his face was being smashed; his nose was caved in, his teeth were flying out, his eyes were shut tight and he groaned a little.

"Eeeee-ooooo-uuuuu-ccccchhhhhh-hhh." Yunseong groaned with a very deep tone from the hit from the bottom of Mina's zanbatou.

"Hiiiiiiyaaaaa!" Mina yelled, kicking Yunseong in the abdomen.

"Oooooo-waaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaahhhh-cccckkkk." Yunseong slowly spun around.

"Hey, Yunseong. How do you do that?" Mina titled her head.

"Iiiiiiii doooooooooonnnnn'tttttt knoooooowwwwww." Yunseong shrugged which happened to complete him shrugging in a matter of eight seconds.

"Okay. I'm going to shower now. So we're safe from Peeping Toms. Ta-ta!" Seong Mina skipped her way towards the girls' shower rooms.

"Oooooooo-hhhhhhhh, daaaaaaaaanggggg iiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt." Yunseong snapped his fingers. Which didn't actually snap until... six seconds.

**AN:** Sorry for the hold up. I'll try to post up the chapters as soon as my partner sends in his part. Yeah, it's by two authors. Also, if you'd like some characters to appear, just say so. Hope you enjoy.


	3. The Gathering sort of

_Siegfried Schtauffen regroups with the rest of our heroes._

"Zippidy-doo-da, zippidy-day. My, oh, my, what a wonderful day!" Siegfried continued to hum, sitting on a rock with his right ankle resting on his left lap. He was flipping through the newspaper's pages.

Jin Kazama, Asuka Kazama, Ling Xiaoyu, Chai Xianghua and Kilik stared at the naked German.

"A naked..." Jin began twitching.

"... man." Asuka and Xiaoyu sighed dreamingly.

"Siegfried! Thank goodness you're safe!" Xianghua began to approach, but stopped after she realized Siegfried wasn't wearing anything.

"Eh? Xianghua! Kilik!" Siegfried got up, facing Xianghua and Kilik. Lucky for them, a bush with a shape of his 'mini-Siegfried' hid that part.

"Xianghua! Kilik!" Siegfried yelled at Jin and Xiaoyu, highly mistook them for Kilik and Xianghua.

"Whoa," says Asuka. She noticed the resemblance between Xiaoyu and Xianghua, as well as Jin and Kilik.

For a moment, their look-alikes stared at each other. Xiaoyu broke the silence by jumping on Xianghua.

"Homigosh! I, like, found my twin!" Xiaoyu hugged Xianghua.

"Totally! Hey, that guy looks like Kilik!" Xianghua pointed at Jin.

"And that guy looks like Jin!" Xiaoyu pointed at Kilik.

"Hey," said Jin.

"What's up?" said Kilik.

"Then... you're my twin?" Siegfried stared at Asuka. Asuka looked up at Siegfried, but noticed he was standing right next to her. So... she tried to take the opportunity to catch a German sword. If you know what I mean.

"Awesome shield!" Siegfried held up a Roman shield on his crotch.

'Drat...' Asuka thought.

"How come that blond boy was sitting nude?" Xiaoyu wondered.

"He must've been on the toilet," Kilik pointed out.

"Hey, how did you know?" Siegfried removed the shield. Asuka looked down, only to see kabuki mask hanging on Siegfried.

'Oh, come on! This guy's so lame!' Asuka rolled her eyes.

"Duh, Siegfried. You're lactose intolerant." Xianghua folded her arms.

"What did he eat anyway?" Jin wondered.

"A banana split," said Kilik.

"Mmmmm." Siegfried smiled. A smile so big, it made him look retarded.

"Where are we anyway?" Xianghua began looking around.

"No idea. We were zapped from some green light." Xiaoyu shrugged.

"Really? That's how we were brought here," said Xianghua.

"Weird," says Asuka.

"Hey... where did you get that?" Kilik noticed Siegfried's attire.

"From that shop," Siegfried said pointing behind him, while trying to slip on armour pieces.

The group approached what seemed to be a village. They stared at the big sign that said "NABOO."

"Hey, guys, do you have any idea where we are?" asked Siegfried.

"I think we're in some place called Naboo." Xianghua pointed at the sign.

"Yeah, but where are we?" Siegfried asked.

"Obviously some place called Naboo." Asuka looked around.

"Yeah, but where are we?" Siegfried and Jin asked in unison.

"Naboo," Asuka said a little bit annoyed.

"WE'RE- IN- NABOO- JIN!" Xiaoyu yelled loudly and slowly enough for Jin to hear.

"Sheesh, Xiaoyu, I'm not deaf. I can hear perfectly." Jin rubbed his ears.

"Oh, okay!" Xiaoyu smiled, jumping up and down.

"So... where are we?" Siegfried asked.

"... OH, MY GOD..." Asuka couldn't believe Siegfried.

"Naboo, Siegfried," Kilik informed.

"WHAT?" Siegfried leaned over.

"Oh, no! I'm deaf!" Siegfried wailed.

"You are?" the others asked.

"Yeah! I can't hear you!" Siegfried yelled.

"Then, how do you know what we just said?" Asuka asked.

"Siegfried can read lips." Kilik pointed at Siegfried staring at everyone's lips.

"Of course I'll kiss your lips!" Siegfried smiled at Asuka.

"Uhm, well, you see, uhm, we'll get back to you." Asuka nervously stammered, a sweatdrop forming on her head.

"So he's like Jin," Asuka noted.

"Really?" Xianghua was enlightened.

"Yeah, Xiao and him have special card reading nights." Asuka turned over to Xiaoyu and Jin.

"A is for..." Xiaoyu encouraged Jin. She was holding a card that had a picture of a big red apple.

"Apple!" Jin jumped up spreading his legs and arms enthusiastically.

"Correct!" Xiaoyu held up her arms. Jin clapped his hands and had the laugh that reminded everyone of Family Guy's Peter Griffin.

"Hehehehehehe."

"Oh. I get it now. So we have our own Siegfried from Japan." Kilik noticed.

"And we have our own Jin from Europe." Asuka agreed.

The gang then began to tour the foreign place known as... Naboo. What lies ahead of them is unknown. Because if it was known, they would avoid any stupid situations. Knowing Siegfried and Jin, they'd probably streak around the place and... spoke too soon.

"Siegfried! Jin!" everyone called for the two, but they were already running ahead of them. They were both nude.

Siegfried's arms were flailing in the air while Jin was trying to flap his wings, probably attempting to fly.

"Jin! Look at me!" Siegfried did a cartwheel, landing on some table.

"What the fuck?" some alien that stood up, disturbed by Siegfried's display of his buttcrack.

"Hey, Siegfried. His name's Sebulba." Jin pointed at the nametag.

"Sebulba. Ahahahahahahaha." Jin and Siegfried laughed.

"Morons..."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"What.. the hell?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--RUUUUUN!" Siegfried and Jin ran from the bigger aliens chasing them after they cut the table with a lightsaber.

"Oh, no." Kilik shook his head.

"We should start running." Asuka noticed the two idiots being chased by a mob.

"Yes, let's." Xianghua was already turning around.

"But what about Jin and Siegfried!" Xiaoyu tried to protest.

"Trust me, somebody like Siegfried never dies," Kilik said as he ran.

"Really?" Xiaoyu was relieved.

"Knowing Siegfried, they'd probably lick themselves," Kilik said.

"And knowing Jin, they'd accuse them for cooties," Asuka finished.

"Oooh, yeah," Xianghua and Xiaoyu said in unison.

_Back to Jin and Siegfried._

Jin and Siegfried turned around, crossed their fingers and licked themselves.

"ABC black out!" Siegfried and Jin yelled.

"Where'd they go?" the aliens couldn't find them anymore.

"That was close." Siegfried let out some breath of relief.

"Yeah. Hey, let's do it again," Jin suggested.

"Yeah!" Siegfried and Jin were about to attempt another idiotic act, but Kilik and Asuka pulled Siegfried and Jin away.

Will the group ever find a way to get back to their proper timeline, let alone place? Find out next time on... I forgot the name. Hey, what's that?! -Points at some random direction, diverting you, as the reader, away.-

**AN:** It's a lot shorter than the others because I haven't gotten the other author's idea yet. Hope you enjoyed.


	4. Everyone's A Whore

_After everyone disappeared from sight for their little mob encounter._

Kilik and Asuka began scolding Siegfried and Jin, while they responded with puppy dog eyes.

"Just what the hell were you doing running around naked, Siegfried?!"

"My… armor didn't come with me?" the massive German whimpered. Kilik gave him a good slap and shook him by his shoulders, "Why can't you wear pants when you read comics? Why do you need to sit on the toilet to read them?"

Asuka tried to scold Jin, but kept getting side tracked by the cock-a-doodle-doo that hung from the German. Jin then stared at what Asuka was staring at suddenly spouting "When did he tie that rooster there?"

Asuka jumped and blushed, "Jin! You idiot! Why were you running around naked and picking fights with gangly cripples with fleshy moustaches?!"

"I don't know. He made me do it!" Jin pointed to his shoulder.

"There's no one there, Jin…"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Yarrrrr. She be blind to me pirate nakedness, gyarrrr," the small shoulder pirate stated.

"That does it, Jin! No more staying up and watching Kids Next Door with Xiaoyu!"

_Meanwhile off to the side._

"So tell me about yourself, Xiaoyu!" the perky Chinese woman bounced.

"Well, let's see… I'm from China and my grandpa taught me martial arts when I was little!" She began talking in a cute baby voice while performing various forms while talking. "And this one time, I got sodomized by Jin!"

"Really?!" Xianghua stared at her baffled. "He's so hot! Did you seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!"

"No…" she pouted, "I'm a virgin!" She then burst into tears.

"Awww, honey. It's okay." Xianghua patted her head; "I'm sure by the end of this ridiculous fan fiction you'll get yourself some whoopy!"

Xiaoyu paused for a moment and stared at her counterpart, "What did you just say?"

"Um… nothing… uh…"

"You said 'whoopy' didn't you?" Xiaoyu began to giggle.

"No no! I said… err… sex! Yeah!"

Xiaoyu grinned at her and poked her side "How old are you again?"

Xianghua pouted and then they both started to laugh like gitty little schoolgirls. They grasped each other's hands, their giggling starting to still as they leaned in for a kiss… which was abruptly interrupted by a naked German running away from a very angry man smacking him over the head with a metal rod. "YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!"

Apparently Kilik had accidentally touched Siegfried's man hood and decided it was all Siegfried's fault. They had tumbled behind a bush where they couldn't be seen.

"Owwww! Kilik! Stop beating me with your rod! It's so big and hard! I can't take it!"

"You're going to take it and you're going to like it, you little bitch!"

Groans could be heard behind the bush as a mass of rabid fan girls surrounded said bush shouting little tid-bits of Japanese such as sugoi, kawaii, and shounen-ai. That's when Kilik leapt out of the bush. "We're not gay!" He began mumbling to himself. "I knew this was going to happen…."

Siegfried stood up rubbing his back… side. "Jeeze, Kilik, you gave me such a pounding." Again the mad giggles of fan girls could be heard as he pointed at each one of them, baffled. "Where did these come from?!"

"They're our fan base." Matt's voice suddenly boomed. "Yaoi sells!" Two massive hands popped out of the clouds with thumbs up.

Siegfried shrugged and jumped on Kilik, hugging him from behind.

"Oh, my God! Yaoi glompage! Kawaii!"

"I hate you…" Kilik mumbled to the sky.

"Hey," Asuka wandered into the clearing, "Don't you guys think we should check out that big palace back by the sign that said Naburou?"

"It said Naraku!" Xiaoyu shouted angrily, pulling away from Xianghua's lips.

"Actually, I think it said Naboo." Jin chimed in; a rooster now tied over his feathers much like the one Siegfried had.

"Pfft… like you would know. You're a moron!" Asuka muttered.

"Don't call my Jinny-winny-poo-poo-face a moron!" Xiaoyu screamed.

"Yeah! Besides, he's right. It was Naboo," Xianghua stated just before taking to Xiaoyu's lips again.

"Garfield." Siegfried chuckled.

"Garfield." Jin chuckled.

_Meanwhile, somewhere near New Midgar._

"Hey… partner. This thing got any bite to it?" The man dressed in an open suit with red hair tied back in a ponytail and a pair of goggles on his head tossed a spinner up and down in his hand.

"Shinra's finest technology," replied the bald black man with the dark glasses and buttoned up suit. "If nothing else it's… flashy."

"Ohhhh. So you made it?" Reno smirked.

"Yeah, I know how you like flashy things." Rude handed him a lighter, nearly dropping a bunch of sparklers in the process. "Happy birthday, partner."

"Rude, you're the greatest! Too bad Tseng, Rufus and Elena couldn't make it. What're they doing anyway?"

"Yeah… about that. I think I'm gonna go join them."

"What?! Why!?" Reno stammered.

Rude pushed his glasses up a little, "I always thought it'd be fun to be in a gang bang with Elena."

"Huh?"

"Nothing!" Rude then dashed off dropping various fireworks at Reno's feet. He let out a sigh and flipped open his cell phone and dialed Tifa's 7th Heaven.

_At Tifa's 7th Heaven._

Tifa was busy shining up some mugs, rubbing them against her massive breasts to give them an extra shine. That's when the phone rang.

"He's not heeeere." She sighed slightly. The phone continued to ring despite being told he wasn't there. "Okay okay. CLOUD isn't here." The phone kept on ringing. She gave up and went up stairs, lifting the phone to her ear.

"Hello?" She paused and let out a soft giggle. "Yeah. I remember you. What? No, Reno, I won't jump out of your birthday cake naked. What? Alright, I'll call him and see if he'll swing by."

_Elsewhere._

"Cloud… I know you're impressed with yourself for figuring out how your voice mail works, but you really should answer your phone sometimes. Anyway, Reno called. He says he wants to meet with you and that he has fireworks. How are you?" He hung up and stuck the phone back in his pocket.

He climbed onto his bike and started it up, driving off to meet Reno as he could not possibly pass up fireworks. And as he rode away, unaware of his attire, a song was playing in his head.

_"I am beautiful! No matter what they say._

_Words can't bring me doooown. Oooh, nooo._

_I am beautiful, in every single way..!"_

Two little boys noticed Cloud passing by on his Fenrir. And took note of his clothes.

"That lady was pretty."

"I can feel something growing in my pants!"

"We're becoming men!"

_Back to Reno's location._

He had taken to throwing rocks at other rocks while waiting for Cloud to arrive.

"Yeah, you like that… don't ya, bitch?" He mumbled to the other rock. He sighed and kicked a rock and began pacing back and forth. He then realized he was surrounded by a green light and was pacing in the air. "Holy shit! What is this!" He began batting at the light with his metal rod thing and then… he was GONE!


	5. The Gathering sort of Part two

_In a concealed forest, two men talk amongst themselves._

"See? I was never fit to help anyone."

Cloud turns over to his right to find Vincent, but he was nowhere in sight. However, he heard the bushes rustling violently and soft moans can be heard from behind the bush. Hesitating as he walks towards the bush, he covers his eyes with one hand while the other moves the bush.

"Oh... my... Vincent?!" Cloud freezes in surprise. He was expecting Tifa to be with Vincent because that's all she ever talked about. But much to his surprise, he finds a black haired former SOLDIER.

"Zack! Run!" Vincent tells the SOLDIER while putting his clothes on.

"Anyway, Vincent, what do you know about this?"  
"Huh? You're not going question about me and Zack having sex behind the bushes?"

"No, that's just gross."

"Oh. I come here often. I've seen what Kadaj's gang is doing."

"What are they doing?"

"The unimaginable," Vincent says in a serious tone. He flicks his coat to the right, having it float majestically in the air.

"What is...?" Cloud shakes a bit, causing the vibration in his pants to be oblivious to him.

"The Village People... the Y.M.C.A.; it overcompensates the body. Inside of us, are young men. Who think we're so down. Young men who'd turn around the frown. And they induce us to enter through the Y.M.C.A. phase."

"Y.M.C.A.? Is it what I think it is?"  
"Sephiroth."

Cloud and Vincent gasp simultaneously.

"What did Kadaj mean by 'mother'?"

"Ever since the events after Final Fantasy VII, they've cut off Joe Millionaire and Super Nanny. They are remnants of the Village People. The calamity; Mrs. Doubtfire."

"They're trying to resurrect Super Nanny?"

"Yes. Inside our cells beneath the Geostigma are possible exponential lifeforms. Each of those lifeforms can create a Mrs. Doubtfire."

The bushes begin to rustle once more, having Vincent and Cloud stop their conversation. Cloud unsheathes his First Tsurugi and Vincent withdraws his Cerberus. What came running out was unexpected.

"What the..."

"Vincent! Call me!" Zack runs in semi-nude, throwing Vincent a card.

Just as Zack leaves after winking then disappearing, the bushes rustle again. This time, a little girl comes out rushing to Cloud, hugging him.

"Marlene!"

"Cloud! Denzel and Tifa!"

"Tifa is all right."

"I want to talk to Tifa."

Cloud searches for his cellphone. Upon realizing he doesn't have it, Marlene looks at Vincent.

"May I?"

Vincent lifts his coat up, only revealing a revolver and a pack of Trojan condoms. Extra small.

"You don't have a phone?"

"Vincent, will you take Marlene to Tifa?"

"Cloud, I don't know."

"But I--" Cloud suddenly freezes as he gets captured from a beam of green light. His form dissipates in the air, until he turns into nothing.

"Holy hell!" Vincent shrieks.

"You never pay any attention to us!" Marlene exclaims after Cloud's disappearance, running to Vincent. But she runs right into a tree, seeing as how Vincent disappeared as well.

"They killed Cloud and Vincent!"

"You bastard!" Tifa runs in, punting Marlene. After Marlene gets sent flying away, Tifa disappears from the green beam of light herself.

_Back at Naboo, resuming where our heroes left off._

Siegfried, Jin, Xianghua, Asuka, Kilik and Xianoyu continues surveying the premises of the strange land, finding peculiar creatures in the meadows. Siegfried turns around to see a ray of light beaming before them, two figures appearing from the light.

Cloud looks from Siegfried, to Jin, to Kilik in the eye. Tifa waves to Asuka, Xianghua and Xiaoyu who waved back. But Vincent was nowhere to be found. Cloud and Tifa approach the group, looking around the location they were randomly placed in.

"I take it you were sucked in, too?" Siegfried asks Cloud and Tifa.

"Yeah," Cloud says in response. Tifa nodded at him, turning bright red.

"What?" Siegfried raised an eyebrow at Tifa's blushing cheeks.

"You're... hot!"

"Oh, my God! That's what I said! And I said that to Kilik!" Xiaoyu points at the man who held a long, red staff.

"That is so true! Hey, blond boy! What's your name?" Xianghua looks at Cloud, who's standing by Siegfried.

"I thought I told you."

"Not you. The one next to you, Siegfried," Xianghua clearly stated by pointing at Cloud.  
"Cloud Strife."

"Hey, you two have big ass swords." Asuka took notice.

"Yeah, they do," Xianghua and Xiaoyu said in unison.

"Hey, Jin, you should get a sword. Or something long like Kilik's staff," Asuka suggested, which caused Jin to stare at her in confusion and disgust.

"Not that way, Jin." Asuka sighed after realizing the sexual pun everyone thought.

"So, who are you? You haven't said anything yet," Kilik asked the quiet and blushing Tifa.

"Tifa. Tifa Cockhard. I mean! Lockhart!" Tifa quickly recovered herself, but her blushing remained. She hid her face by covering it with her hands.

The girls burst out laughter that only made Tifa more ashamed and embarrassed. Seeing how adorable she was acting, they surrounded her and came together in a group hug.

"We like you already, and your boyfriend," Xianghua said, only making Tifa blush even harder.

"He's not my boyfriend!" Tifa objected.

"Oh, he's single, then?" Asuka lightened up.

A certain distraction caused the group to look at an individual. Xiaoyu, Jin and Asuka recognized the man. He was wearing a Clone Trooper uniform without the helmet, and held up a blaster rifle. He was Chinese.

"FWEEZE!"

"It's Lei." Asuka, Jin and Xiaoyu groaned.

"A yeti!" Xianghua and Tifa squealed, hugging each other.

"No, it's not a yeti. But close enough. It's Lei Wulong." Jin Kazama pointed at the Chinese man wearing a Clone Trooper's uniform, who still held the blaster rifle.

"What are you doing here, Mr. Wulong?" Xiaoyu asked, titling her head that made her pigtails sway.

"FWEEZE!"

"Is that all he says?" Cloud asked, raising an eyebrow.

"FWEEZE!"

"I guess that's all he says," said Siegfried, stating the obvious. Kilik shrugged.

"HYAH!" Link appeared, wearing a Clone Trooper uniform like Lei but had his elven hat worn on his head.

"Who the hell are you?" Jin looked at the hero from Hyrule, who was swinging his Master Sword.

"HYAH!" Link said to Jin.

"FWEEZE!" Lei said to Link.

"HYAH!" Link said back to Lei.

The group silently snuck away from Lei and Link, who continued their "FWEEZE" and "HYAH" conversation. They approached what seemed to be a hidden lake, its waters sparkling from the light.

"It's so beautiful," says a captivated Tifa Lockhart, who stood up straight. Her breasts were protruding and it was clearly visible to see her light skinned breasts from the side of her shirt. Siegfried, Kilik and Jin stared at her breasts mindlessly, who thought, 'It's so big.'

"Big, isn't it?" Cloud smirked.

"Yeah," replied a nosebleeding Siegfried, Kilik and Jin.

"I could just... rub my staff all over those," Kilik thought, gripping his Kali-Yuga tightly.

"I could just have her on my 'Requiem'." Siegfried followed Kilik's thought.

"I could... uhh... have her in the middle of my Savage Sword." Jin began performing Karate moves.

"Uhm, guys? I can hear you," says a blushing Tifa.

"No, you can't! We're just a figment of your imagination!" Siegfried, Jin and Kilik chorused.

They heard what sounded like a hammer hitting something metallic. What they didn't know was that Siegfried suddenly 'hit the hammer' on his armour after viewing the exquisite sight Tifa just displayed for them. _Tonk._

"What was that?" Jin asked everyone.

"Nothing!" Siegfried quickly said.

"Kilik? What are you doing behind the bush? And why is that bush rustling so fast?! And why are you sweating?!" Xianghua began asking a barrage of questions at Kilik, who was still staring at Tifa's 'ample assets' behind the bush.

"I think it's his man's time, right, Siegfried?" Jin chuckled.

When Jin found no reply, he looked to the opposite end of where the party was, finding a shirtless Siegfried behind another bush. Which was rustling twice as fast as the one Kilik was in.

"Are they... are they doing what I think they're doing?" Asuka began in a frightened tone.

"Are they jack--"

Before Xianghua could continue, Siegfried and Kilik came out, wearing bikini thongs. They smiled back at the group, who was staring in disbelief after what they thought was possibly happening. Siegfried and Kilik began making their way to the lake as the group stared in confusion.

"I thought they were playing with the snake," Cloud wondered.

"Why don't we join them?" Tifa suggested.

Before Cloud could reply, Asuka, Xianghua and Xiaoyu ran to where Siegfried and Kilik were going, only wearing their bras and panties because they didn't get the chance to pack any bathing suits even though Kilik and Siegfried managed to produce thongs. The only ones were left behind were Cloud and Jin, seeing as how Tifa shrugged and took off her clothing to join the others.

"Poker?" Cloud asked Jin.

"If it involves taking off clothes, no," Jin bluntly stated.

"Awww..." Cloud said in disappointment.

"You're actually... bummed out?" Jin raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

Jin stared at Cloud for a few seconds before Cloud came back to his senses.

"I don't swing that way." Cloud sighed.

Tifa caught up with the rest of the girls, who were wearing their undergarments. Xianghua was chasing Kilik for splashing her with the cold water, Xiaoyu kept poking Siegfried much to his annoyance, Asuka was laying on the grassy parts of the lake, tanning probably. Tifa dove right into the body of water. Taking notice of its highly cold waters, she jumped out of the lake and ran back to where Cloud and Jin were. And this is where we begin another mindless observation of Tifa's well-endowed bodice.

"Holy... shit." Cloud and Jin stared back at Tifa.

Previously, Cloud and Jin were playing a card game. That is until Tifa came running up to them, moving in slow motion so that the boys can capture the moments slowly. Tifa threw her head to the side, making her wet hair sway behind her as liquid drips from her wet body. Her chest was bouncing slowly. For some reason, Cloud and Jin heard a '80s rock song in their head.

_"Is this love? That I'm feeling?_

_Is this the love? That I've been searching for?_

_Is this love? Oh, I must be dreaming."_

Cloud picked a remote nearby and pressed the mute button that had White Snake continue playing but no sounds came out. Tifa lifted her legs up, not gaining any speed as she approached the boys.

_Five minutes later..._

"Checkmate!" Jin moves his rook in front of Cloud's king.

"Damn it!"

"Why is Tifa still running so slow?" Jin pointed at Tifa who just advanced four inches towards them.

"I don't know," Cloud said, picking up the remote.

He pressed the forward button, but to no avail, Tifa kept her pace. But her breasts captured the boys' attention again, as the theme song from Charlie's Angels played.

"I'm liking this," said Cloud.

"Me too."

"NEO! Cut the shit!" Xianghua yelled towards the boys' direction.

Neo came out from behind the bushes dressed in his black trenchcoat and sunglasses. He frowned and snapped his fingers, giving Tifa her normal pace. Neo bowed down in a Japanese fashion, bending the spoons with telekinesis that were nearest to Cloud and Jin.

"There is no spoon," Neo said before taking off.

Cloud and Jin raised an eyebrow as he lifted himself into the sky, disappearing from sight. Tifa joined the two boys, rubbing herself with a towel that she suddenly somehow obtained.

"What was that all about?" Tifa asked.

"Neo slowed you down so we can see your boobs jump up," Cloud responded.

"Uh, okay."

"Hey, Xianghua, how do you know Neo?" Jin yelled across to Xianghua.

"I watched the Matrix Trilogy," Chai Xianghua yelled back.

"How in the world can you watch something from a totally different century?" Jin thought to himself.

"There is no spoon. It's all in the Matrix," Xianghua, Xiaoyu and Asuka responded to Jin, all wearing black trenchcoats and black sunglasses.

"How did you guys get here?" Cloud questioned.

"The red pill," Asuka mundanely stated.

Cloud picked up the bent spoon. He shrugged and threw it away, smacking Siegfried who just arrived with Kilik. Siegfried rolled down the hill until he hit the lake again. Siegfried shook his head after he recovered from stumbling down. This time, he was running slow.

_After relaxing at the lake, the group enter a small town._

Everyone stared at their strange surroundings, looking at the tall skyscrapers. Before anyone could say anything, a short, old man passed by them. He had an unusually long nose, a monocle and a jar of pickles. Right next to him was a woman in red whose curly hair obscured her face.

"Pickles."

"Mayor, I think we should get back and call the girls," the lady in red said.

"PICKLES!"

"Yes, sir, they're pickles. But there's a huge monster that will destroy parts of this town in... five seconds," the lady said, looking at her watch.

Right on cue, a huge monster appeared into the town, holding a "HUGE MONSTER" sign. He had a bulls-eye on his back.

"The city of Townsville. A peaceful place... UNTIL A HUGE MONSTER ATTACKS THEM! Where are the Power Rangers?!" a mysterious voice boomed.

Just then, five teenagers showed up; one black, one yellow, one with glasses, one with some Ken from the Barbie Doll series hairstyle, one wearing all pink and one wearing all white.

"It's Morphin' time!" the one in white shouted, pulling out a Whimsey game token.

The others followed suit, all pulling out their Power Coins at the same time, spreading their legs.

"Tiger Zord!"

"Mastodon!"

"Pterodactyl!"

"Triceratops!"  
"Saber tooth Tiger!"

"Tyrannosaurus!"

"Go, go, Power Rangers! Go, go, Power Rangers! Go, go, Power Rangers, Mighty Morphing Power Rangers!" a band played.

"Oh, no, Tommy! It's a huge monster!" the Pink Ranger exclaimed dramatically.

Just then, a synchronized flute played. A Green Ranger jumped down from a high building and stared at the White Ranger.

"Doooooon-doon-doon-doooon-doooon-dooooooon!" the Green Ranger played a plastic daggerflute that read 'Made in China.'

Godzilla came out from the water and charged the monster. Then it died.

"We must work as a team, Green Ranger Tommy Oliver!" the Pink Ranger pointed out, wrapping her legs around the Green Ranger's legs while rubbing his chest.

"Hey, get off my bitch, bitch," the White Ranger cursed at the Green Ranger.

"Fuck off, mate. She's mine!" the Green Ranger spat back.

"Since when did the Green Ranger have an English accent?" the others asked.

A fight ensued between the Green and White Rangers, as the others stared. The Pink Ranger ran around in circles, yelling hysterically, "Beat him up, Tommy! No, not you! Tommy, you can get him! The other one!"

Both of the Rangers ripped each other's helmets off, revealing identical facial appearances, minus the fact the Green Ranger had a green bandana.

"Oh, my God! Two Tommys!" yelled the Pink Ranger, hitting her head with the mayor's pickle jar, rendering her death.

"Brother?" the Green Ranger asked in shock.

"SON!" the White Ranger opened his arms.

The identical Rangers entered into an embrace, hugging each other as they caress one another's spine down to their butt. They begin making out afterwards. While the two have their tongue action, the other Rangers get smashed from the monster.

Cloud, Tifa, Jin, Xiaoyu, Asuka, Siegfried, Xianghua and Kilik were sitting on a sofa that magically appeared before them after making three wishes with buckets from a genie of popcorn and large sodas. They continue munching as they watch the battle and embrace before them.

"Where are the Powerpuff Girls?!" yelled a screaming citizen. She resembled Pamela Anderson with the way she ran so slow and her enormously large bust size.

"Hey, Tifa, is that your sister?" Jin jokingly asked her.

"Oh, yeah, we're twins," Tifa scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"No, really," wondered a serious Siegfried and Kilik. Tifa stared blankly at them. Then went back to watching and eating. And drinking.

Will the Powerpuff Girls save Townsville? Will Mrs. Bellum's face ever show? Will the breast jokes ever go away? Find out next time on... THE NEXT CHAPTER! Which will be coming soon.

**AN:** Don't be bummed out if we take too long. And thanks for the reviews. And Lee will be in this fan fiction; he'll be in later chapters.


	6. What's new, SieggyJin Doo?

_Townsville._

"Man, this is getting old." Siegfried looked at his My Little Pony watch.

"Yeah. Hey, Siegfried, let's streak," Jin said. He was already in the process of taking off his clothes, until Asuka tied him up.

"Jin, don't do that again," Kilik said, shaking his head.

"But Siegfried's doing it." Jin pouted.

Everyone turned their attentions to Siegfried, who was standing in a hotdog line. His butt was facing the group.

"Yes, can I get a hotdog with everything but relish, mustard, ketchup, mayo, and bun, please?" Siegfried ordered.

"So, basically, all you want is a hotdog?" the owner asked.

"Yes."

"Okay," the owner said, handing Siegfried a hotdog.

Siegfried returned to the group, with his hotdog while the girls stared at Siegfried.

"Why on earth would you buy a hotdog?" Tifa asked, looking at Siegfried's hotdog.

"I don't know." Siegfried was still holding his hotdog.

"Guys, that's fucking sick." Asuka stared blankly at Siegfried holding the hotdog.

"What's so gross with holding a hotdog?" Jin asked. This time, **he** was naked, holding his own hotdog.

"I can't believe you guys!" Tifa shrieked, shutting her eyes. She opened her eyes and closed them again, as if she didn't want to see them nude but wanted to. She kept on this number.

"I can't believe I'm related to him." Asuka looked at Jin, who was swinging his hotdog in the air.

"Hey, Siegfried! Let's play sword-fight!" Jin swung his hotdog at Siegfried.

"Nice move, but you can't touch this!" Siegfried did a torso slash with his hotdog at Jin. Jin dodged the attack.

"You're good, but not good enough!" Jin spun around, pointing his hotdog at Siegfried's head.

"Coup... de grace!" Siegfried yelled, slowly bending his back backwards, dodging the attack in slow motion.

"Okay, I can't take this anymore!" Asuka yelled, stomping away.

"Yeah. I mean, two guys playing with their hotdogs..." Tifa shook hear head, walking with Asuka.

"There are so many wrong concepts in this fanfiction," Cloud said. He looked over to Kilik, to find him...

"Kilik, why are you naked?" Cloud looked at the man, holding his Kali-Yuga.

"Nude beach, man!" Kilik began running to a beach that suddenly appeared.

"Awesome." Cloud stripped his clothes off, only holding his First Tsurugi in hand.

"Hey, let's join them," Jin suggested. He ran after Kilik and Cloud.

"Yeah!" Siegfried yelled, swinging his hotdog in the air.

Xiaoyu and Xianghua were staring the whole time. Their eyes were droopy, and their mouths were overflowing with drool.

_Meanwhile... where Ivy and Vincent were..._

Ivy and Vincent stared at each other for the past two days. Vincent was folding his arms over one another. Ivy was leaning on the wall.

"Poker?" Ivy inquired.

"No."

"Awww..."

_Back to Townsville._

"Hello, nude beach!" yelled Cloud.

"Let the ladies welcome our..." Jin started.

"... presence?" Siegfried looked around.

"Where are the ladies?" Kilik wondered.

They were in a nude beach, alright. Except, it was inhabitant with all men. Siegfried and Jin were staring in one direction, clutching on their hotdogs. Kilik was leaning with the support of his Kali-Yuga and Cloud was covering himself with his First Tsurugi. They were approached with by an elderly man.

"Hey, boys," the old man greeted.

"Where are the women?" Kilik asked.

"They ran away."

"From what?" Cloud wondered.

"Who knows? Hey, is that a hotdog?" the old man asked.

"Uh... yeah," said Jin.

"Can I have a bite of your hotdog, if you don't mind?" the old man asked.

"Uh..." Jin and Siegfried stammered.

"Hey, guys!" Tifa, Asuka, Xiaoyu and Xianghua arrived on the scene, wearing their bikinis.

"Well, it says nude beach. We might as well take this off," Xianghua was about to take her clothes off.

"NO!" the boys yelled, grabbing the girls' hands and running away. The other men heard feminine voices, and they decided to see where it came from. They quickly got up and started to chase the gang because they were with women.

"Don't run, ladies! We're not crazy!" all of the nudist men yelled. Everyone one of them was either graying or fat. And old.

The gang ran into a clothing store, quickly putting on disguises.

_Five minutes later._

The group left the clothing boutique with their disguises. Townsville was soon swarmed with naked men.

"Where did they go?!" the men asked each other.

"Come on, guys! Let's get out of here!" Asuka began running away, trying not to look obvious. She was wearing a miniature Great Dane suit, saying "Scrappy Doo" on her collar.

"Jinkies! I think they've spotted us!" Xiaoyu yelped. She was wearing an orange turtleneck, red skirt, orange stockings and square glasses with a bowl-shaped haircut.

"Ruh-oh!" Jin and Siegfried yelled. They were in a two-piece Great Dane suit, that had a collar saying "Scooby."

"There they are!" the old men spotted them.

"Zoinks! Like, let's run, guys!" Cloud yelled. He was wearing baggy brown shorts with a plain green t-shirt. His hair was bushy.

"Come on, gang! This way!" Kilik yelled. He was wearing a white long-sleeved shirt with a blue one underneath, and a orange bow. His pants were blue.

"Oh, God! I forgot my clothing at the store!" Tifa remembered. She was wearing a purple dress with a green tie.

"Nevermind, we'll get it later!" Xianghua pulled Tifa. She was in disguise of gray version of Jin's and Siegfried's suit with a red hat. Her collar said "Scooby Dum."

"Quick! In here, gang!" Kilik pointed to an alleyway. They quickly ran in, hiding behind a dumpster.

"After them!" the old men yelled, passing by the alleyway.

"Phew. That was close." Tifa slumped against the wall.

"What the hell..." Asuka looked at Siegfried and Jin. Jin, who was on the behind half, was tipping his legs up in the air against a wall. When the wall was then sprayed by yellow liquid.

"Rooby-rooby-doo!" Siegfried and Jin howled.

"Gross."

"Hey, gang. Look." Kilik pointed at a rusty, old van. It was covered in green paint that had hippie flowers all over it. The group walked over to it.

"Mystery Machine?" Tifa, Xianghua and Xiaoyu wondered at the big sign on the sides of the van.

"Check it out, Scooby. Our own food stand." Cloud was already inside, broiling some burgers.

"Rawesome, Raggy!" Jin and Siegfried hopped in.

"Tubular!" Tifa exclaimed. She was in the passenger's seat. Meanwhile, the rest went in the back of the van with the exception of Xiaoyu.

_At Professor Utonium's laboratory._

"Pass that shit over here, Blossom," Buttercup ordered the orange-haired Powerpuff Girl.

"Hold your horses, you green, insensitive bitch." Blossom coughed after she took a toke.

"Wheee! I can see unicorns! And rainbows! I can see unicorns **AND** rainbows!" Bubbles was in the air, trying to 'catch' the 'rainbow.'

"Oh, my head," Steve moaned. He was sitting on the ground, burying his head on his knees.

Blossom passed some substance over to Buttercup. Buttercup quickly took it, and inhaled from some pipe, muttering, "Bitch" to Blossom. Soon after, Buttercup was coughing as she passed it over to Julia who was staring at the wall in front of her. Her mouth was open and she drooled.

"Unnnggghhh." Julia was groaning. She took the pipe and smoked it. After that, she coughed.

"How's that shit?" Buttercup leaned against the wall, opposite of Blossom.

"What?" Julia looked at her.

"I said, how's that shit?" Buttercup said a bit louder.

"Uhm... my final answer is D!" Julia yelled.

"Huh?" Buttercup stared at Julia.

"Do I win? Do I win?!" Julia was bouncing up and down.

"Win what?" Blossom asked.

"A million dollars!" Julia jumped on the Professor's tables, smashing his experiments.

"Look out, Mr. Bear! We're coming to get you!" Bubbles chased an imaginary bear. She ran into the door, her form smashed and flat. The door suddenly swung open, which smashed Bubbles again. The Professor was standing with his usual white laboratory suit.

"What's going on in here?! Are you girls high off of chalk again?!" the Professor asked furiously.

"Lee?" Steve noticed who the Professor was.

"Steve? What are you doing here?" Lee asked the boxer.

"Don't know. Some green light sucked Julia and I in here and--" Steve was cut off by some green light, which Ivy and Vincent appeared out of nowhere.

"--brought us to this place. Then these girls asked if we wanted to smoke chalk," Steve finished.

"Oh... GOD NO. I'm stuck with this woman." Vincent shook his head, realizing he's been sucked along with Ivy.

"Oh, my..." Ivy looked at Lee.

"Holy cow..." Lee looked at Ivy.

"Professor! You two have the same hair!" Buttercup and Blossom noticed. They were floating in the air.

"Whoooaaa! You two are flying!" Bubbles was shocked. She was more than high, seeing as how she fell on the floor, knocked out.

'This man and I have the same hair...' Ivy thought.

"Yeah, he does," Julia said, appearing next to Ivy.

"How did you hear that?" Ivy looked at Julia curiously.

"I don't know." Julia stared at Ivy. Then she poked her right breast and giggled.

"LET ME THE FUCK OUT!" Vincent was banging on the walls. For he was too dumb to notice there was a door behind Lee. Everyone remained silent, except Vincent.

'Now what?' Lee thought.

'We are the champions, my friend. We'll keep on fighting to the end!' Buttercup was thinking.

'Two... silver-haired dominatrixes...' Steve looked at Ivy. He was hallucinating.

'...' Julia's head was blank.

'The Professor looks so hot. I could... just rub my body all over him. And he favours me the most. God, Blossom! What are you thinking!' Blossom blushed.

'That's just gross, Blossom.' Lee thought.

"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" Vincent yelled. 'Oh, there's a door.'

'Idiots. Why couldn't I be paired with Siegfried?' Ivy complained through her thoughts.

_Back to the gang._

"Ahh... ahhh... AHHH-CHOO!" Siegfried sneezed in his Scooby Doo suit.

"Jinkies, Siegried!" Xiaoyu gasped.

_The laboratory._

"Now what?" Lee asked.

"Didn't you think that a moment ago?" Steve asked.

"Yeah... wait. How did you know?" Lee looked curiously at him.

"No idea." Steve shrugged.

"Oh. Well, let's go upstairs." Lee began walking upstairs.

"Munchies," Bubbles moaned in her sleep.

Will the girls EVER save Townsville in time? Will the gang solve the mystery behind their gathering? Will Siegfried ever get Benadryl? Find out next time... on WTF Wars.

**AN:** Alrighty-ho. Stay tuned. Yeah, I know. It's short.


	7. Hotel Madness

_After the gang recovered in some nearby hotel._

"Alright, guys, now that we've recovered in some nearby hotel," Kilik started. He looked to see everyone exhausted.

"We can relax," he finished.

"I think we got the idea, Kilik," Asuka says.

"I know. I'm just hoping Siegfried, Cloud and Jin did." Kilik looked at the trio.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!" Cloud was serious.

"I'll kill him! The cookie monster! That blue son of a blue!" Siegfried gritted his teeth, holding his Requiem backwards.

"Blue son of a blue?" Tifa asked at Siegfried's reference of the Cookie Monster.

"I think Siegfried means 'bitch'." Xiaoyu nodded.

"Well?" Kilik looked over to Xianghua who was holding up multiplication tables at Siegfried.

"Two times two is four as bitch is..." Xianghua was holding up a picture of a female dog. Siegfried was trying to reach down inside his pants when he was smacked by Kilik's Kali-Yuga.

"Ow! Come on, Kilik! You've hurt me so much with that long **rod** of yours! Now my hand is going to be in pain after dealing with your **long**, **hard** **rod**! First, it was my back which later trailed to my bottom! Now- my hand!" Siegfried was nursing his hand.

"You know. I'm going to kill the very first person who made yaoi fanfiction about me." Kilik leaned back against the bed.

"Where's Jin?" Tifa began looking around for Jin.

"Where's Siegfried?" Asuka got up.

"Wasn't he just there a while ago?" Xiaoyu pointed to a dotted outline of Siegfried's body.

"Oh... no..." Kilik said as soon as he heard two men screaming outside of their hotel room. The group quickly ran out.

"Hope on board! It's peanut-buttery and jelly time!" a blond man butt ass naked was running through the halls.

"I'm on Mars, I'm so famous! Soon I'll land right on Uranus!" some black haired Asian man yelled, accompanying the blond.

"Come on, guys. Let's get them." Asuka chased the two. The others followed suit.

_Meanwhile, at the hotel room._

Cloud was waving his arms in the air with his eyes closed inside of the bathtub.

"Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco."

_The Lobby._

"Excuse me!" Asuka ran past a group of teenagers. She was followed by Tifa, Kilik, Xiaoyu and Xianghua.

"Zoinks, like, wasn't that Velma?" Shaggy asked the group.

"I'm right here, Shaggy." Velma poked Shaggy.

"Rhere's Red?" Scooby turned around to see him and Daphne making out.

"Fred," Velma said.

"M'hm..." Fred said.

"Fred."

"Mmm."

"FRED!"

"Nani? Eh?"

"Oh, lord. The dumb authors must have had their language preset to Japanese."

_The gang somehow lost the two, where they disappeared in a crowd._

"I'm not going into that," Tifa objected.

"Why not?" Kilik asked.

"I'd rather not talk about it." Tifa blushed.

"Oh, come on!" Asuka ran in, punching and kicking her way through.

"HULK SMASH!" Xiaoyu ran in with a pair of Incredible Hulk gloves. She cleared a path for them.

"Thanks, Ling!" Tifa yelled, running into the crowd. Unfortunately, the crowd closed the gap.

"Hey, whose boobs touched my arms?" some randomer looked around.

"Shut up." Tifa punched the person asking.

_As the gang chases the two..._

Siegfried and Jin come out from some hallway, wearing identical black t-shirts: Siegfried's said "I'm with stupid" and Jin's said "He's with stupid" pointing at each other. The group ran past Jin and Siegfried, not noticing their attire because Siegfried's hair was in a mullet and Jin's own was in Liberty spikes. They were licking on ice cream cones.

"Hey, wasn't that Kilik, Asuka, Pururun, Xiaoyu and Xianghua?" Siegfried looked at them running after a blond and black haired men.

"Yep. That was Kilik, Asuka, Pururun, Xiaoyu and Xianghua. Wanna crash some weddings?" Jin suggested.

"Why the hell not?" Siegfried tossed away his ice cream one which landed on Heihachi's bald spots. Jin did the same, which landed on Nightmare's eye.

"Assholes." Heihachi threw the cone away.

"Ow, my EYE! Oh, GOD IT HURTS!" Nightmare was clutching the air.

"Okay. So, what should we name the tournament?" Heihachi resumed their meeting, writing down suggestions for their upcoming fighting tournament.

"What about Iron Fist?"

"Taken."

"Iron Swords?"

"Too close."

"Iron Battle?"  
"What are you, trying to get the Jacks and Tetsujin to press charges for racism against us?"

"Well, what **should** it be called?"

"I don't know."

"WTF!" some random person yelled after being kicked in the crotch from a voluptuous woman who was wearing a scarlet dress.

"What about WTF?" Nightmare looked at Heihachi.

"I love you, Anna Williams!" the man in pain yelled.

"What's WTF?"

"No, you don't!" Anna yelled back.

"Warriors Tournament Fury."

"Good idea. Hey, let's make a Death Star."

"Yes. I'll call Cervantes."

"Oh, good idea! I'll call Kazuya."

Nightmare and Heihachi flipped open their phones. Nightmare's wallpaper had a half-naked picture of an Uruk-Hai and Heihachi's had a half-naked of some old cleaning lady. They quickly dialed Kazuya's and Cervantes' number.

"Yo', home dawg! What it is?" Nightmare said to Cervantes.

"Yargh, matey! How ya' diggin' dem dope ass hoez back at yo' crib? Likin' me chest 'n booty?"

"They a'ight. Listen, I got some mad idea, a'ight. Me and Wrinkly F.A.R.T. got some mad skillz, yo'. We goin' do it like how we roll, ya' dig?"

"A'ight, a'ight. I feel ya', I feel ya'."

"It goin' be off tha' hook, ya'na' mean?"

"We goin' pull it off. I'm likin' ya' taste, homie G."

"A'ight. Peace out, roll dawg."

"D-Z Pirate out."

Nightmare closed his phone and looked back at Heihachi.

"Yes, I would like to place a Collect call please?"

"To whom?"

"Mishima Brittany Kazuya."

"One moment."

Elevator music was playing for a minute.

"Hello?" Kazuya's voice was raspy.

"Brittany."

"Uh, who's Brittany? You have the wrong number!" Kazuya was alerted.

"It's Heihachi."

"Oh. What do you want?"

"Just some cooperation and assistance in universal domination."

"What's in it for me?"

"You can wear some black suit and breathe heavily."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay." Kazuya hung up.

"Darn it. I was going to ask if he wanted to build it himself." Heihachi closed his phone. He turned back to Nightmare.

"So what did Cervantes say?"

"About what?"

"The plan."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell him." Nightmare opened his phone back up.

They were suddenly interrupted by a group of P. Jacks, Gun-Jacks, Jack models 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 holding signs. And Tiny Jack who was limping with the support of a cane. Tetsujin confronted Heihachi and Nightmare.

"Heihachi Mishima!" Tetsujin said.

"You can talk?" Heihachi looked at the metal thing.

"Well... no. Jack!"

"Heihachi Mishima!" Jack 2 said.

"Yes?"

"We're protesting against you for racism made against us. We would like fifty dollars in cash right now." Jack stomped the ground, causing him to fall through. He was replaced by another Jack 2 model.

"Why fifty?" Heihachi asked.

"Our processings can't go past fifty."

"Oh."

"Well?"

"How about... working for me?"

"We will not accept becoming sex workers. It is sodomy and forbidden, acording to the Bible 1.1001101010111010101 version HP," Jack said.

"... No, you sterile rust buckets. How about becoming a part of our droids army?"

"What's in it for us?" Jack 2 asked.

"What's in it for us?" Jack 3 asked.

"What's in it for us?" Jack 4 asked.

"What's in it for us?" Jack 5 asked.

"What's in it for us?" Gun-Jack asked.

"What's in it for us?" P. Jack asked.

"What's in it for us?" the other Jack models asked.

"You get Duracell batteries," Nightmare said.

"We do not compute," Jack said.

"We do not compute," Jack 2 said.

"We do not compu--" the other Jacks suddenly shut down.

"Still need that offer?" Heihachi asked.

"We'll take the job," Jack 5 said. The other Jacks suddenly turned on again.

"Returning to online status," the Jacks said.

"Good. Now... time to concoct an evil plan! Bwuahahaha!" Heihachi laughed evilly.

"Bwuahahaha!" Nightmare laughed evilly, too.

"Mwuahahaha!" Heihachi leaned over to Nightmare.

"Nwuahahaha!" Nightmare nodded his head.

"Mwa-hah. Mwa-hah. Mwa-hah. Mwa-hah," all the Jacks laughed evilly with a robotic accent.

"And a Merry Christmas to all!" Tiny Jack lifted his other hand in the air. The others looked at him. Nightmare kicked his cane.

"Fine kick, sir!"

"Get lost, chump!" Heihachi pointed to the door.

_Back to pursuing the two._

"Siegfried, get back here!" Asuka yelled after pausing for a breather.

"What?" Siegried approached the group.

"Not you!"

"Oh. Come on, Roy," Siegfried said, being pulled by a white tiger clamping on his neck.

"When will those guys stop?" Tifa was leaning against the wall.

"When will who stop?" Siegfried and Jin appeared out of nowhere. They stared at the two naked men who got busted for streaking which turned out to be Paul Phoenix and Forrest Law.

"I thought you two were running around naked again." Kilik stared in disbelief at the two.

"No. We tried crashing one wedding but we got bored after the groom was talking about how his new wife was wonderful to him." Jin shrugged.

"Well... shouldn't that be... a good thing?" Tifa chuckled.

"No. The groom suddenly told the stories about his bride cheating on him with some snake. And he cried," Siegfried said.

"Awww," the girls said together.

"Whose wedding was it?" Kilik asked.

"Adam and Eve."

"Oh."

"Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. Marco. I found you!" Cloud felt a pair of big breasts. He smiled and opened his eyes.

"Uh oh..." Cloud noticed whose breasts they were.

"Cloud, run!" Tifa called for Cloud, who was already running towards the group.

"Not here, you idiot!" Asuka ran away.

"Here we go again." Kilik dragged Siegfried and Jin.

"Wheee!" Xiaoyu giggled while Xianghua gave her a piggy-back ride.

"Fee Fi Fo Fum!" the Big Show chased them.

_Somewhere over the rainbow..._

"She's after me Lucky Charms!" a leprechaun was being chased by Nina Williams.

"I know you have gold, boy-o. Get back here, ya little bugga'!" Nina kept shooting at the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

_Back to the group, who safely escaped the Big Show's clutches after walking up long staircases._

"That was close!" Siegfried was breathing in.

"Tell me about it!" Jin stood up.

"Who's that?" Kilik pointed over to some Asian man wearing a black cotton shirt tucked inside of his black slacks with black casual shoes, black gloves and black shades. Oh, and a black leather belt. His arms were folded.

"I don't know, but he's pretty cute," said Asuka.

"Dreamy," Tifa, Xianghua, Xiaoyu and Cloud were suddenly leaning against their clamped hands, day dreaming.

"Who are you?" Jin asked.

"I'm Chris, the co-author." Chris was staring furiously at Jin.

"The what-what?" Siegfried asked. Chris shook his head.

"Anyway, you guys are completely way off of the storyline. All of you, follow me back to the penthouse and- what the... Cloud, stop imagining me!"

"Sorry!" Cloud blushed.

"You're gay?" Asuka asked.

"Yaoi!" Xianghua squealed.

"Kawaii!" Xiaoyu yelped.

"No, it's just, he's so easy to imagine in a dress!" Cloud smiled.

"Okay. That's enough." Chris turned around, walking to the end of the hall that ended with two big doors. The group followed.

_Somewhere over the rainbow... again._

"I think I'm safe. Thanks, Snap, Crackle and Pop!" the leprechaun shook their hands.

"Anytime."

"Now there be no escapin', lad." Nina jumped inside from the window, holding up an ATK-74.

"Nooooo!"

_Át hotel room number 999._

"Have I made myself clear?" Chris looked at the group.

"Crystal!" Tifa gleefully piped up, bouncing a little. Drool slipped out of Chris' mouth.

"Anyway, Siegfried, Jin, are we clear?" Chris looked at the two observing some dust falling down from the light shining through the window.

"Siegfried. Jin. Are we clear?" Siegfried and Jin's heads were moving in sync.

"Uhm... Siegfried, Jin...?" Xianghua snapped her fingers.

"Trificus Totalus!" Asuka waved a wand in front of them.

"Who-what-where-when-why-how-I didn't do it!" Siegfried and Jin jumped up.

"Anyway. We need to have our actual plot before Matt turns this into some gay and lesbian fanfiction." Chris leaned against his chair.

"Will not!" Matt objected. "Maybe..."

"So, what do you want me to do?" Tifa asked.

"A lot of things, Tifa, trust me, but just stop gallivanting around. And you two have to stop streaking. And... Cloud, seriously, cut the shit."

"But, you look like a damn girl!"

"Knock it off, man."

"Whatever you need!" Tifa smiled.

"Alright. The rooms have been attacked by Donkey, Dixie, Trixie, Mixie, Bixie, King and Bob Kongs. You guys stay here for the night."

"Do we share rooms?" Tifa asked hopefully.  
"Yes. The girls share a room with the girls, and the boys with boys," Matt said.

"Okay." Tifa pouted.

"Alright, so we'll see you all later." Matt and Chris exited the penthouse.

"Tifa! You were flirting!" Xianghua smiled at her, gasping.

"Was not!" Tifa hid her blushing face.

"You just met the guy and you're already flirting with him. It's love, Tifa." Xiaoyu hugged her friend.

"Mini-bars. Awesome!" Kilik was fumbling with different types of drinks. Asuka was looking through some pictures in Matt's room, and stuffed it in her shirt. She was caught by Jin, who saw some pictures falling out of her shirt.

"A naked... man." Jin made a puking action.

"Porn? Gross!" Siegfried ran out of the room.

"Shut up. It's for evidence." Asuka ran out of the room.

_At the Lobby._

"Are you sure it's a good idea to leave those guys by themselves?" Chris asked. He leaned forwards, taking a sip from his frappe latte.

"Of course. What could go wrong? They have Siegfried." Matt sipped some coffee.

"Chris? Chris? Yo'. Hey. What the hell is wrong with you?" Matt kept asking at Chris, whose jaw was dropped.

"FAN GIRLS!" Chris pointed behind him, where a horde of fan girls were running over to Matt and him.

"But, we're not under fiction!"

"That's not the problem. They'll demand yaoi."

"So?"  
"They'll torture us with sexual devices and re-runs of Arthur."

"Noooo!" they began running away, being chased by the swarm of fan girls.

"Boy love! Boy love! Boy love!" the girls chanted while chasing the authors.

Will the authors escape the fan girls? Will Tifa confess her love? Will Asuka gain obsession with Matt's naked body? Will the Empire be run by a balding, old man and an deformed-armed mutant? Will Nina have a serious role in this fanfiction? Will I stop asking questions beginning with "will"? Find out next time on... the Twilight Zone!


	8. WTF now?

_Back at the hotel._

"Jin, Jin, Jin, Jin, Jin, Jin, Jin!" Xiaoyu repeated.

"What? You've been saying my name for the past eight hours!" Jin waved his arms in the air.

"No, she wasn't." Tifa stared blankly at Jin.

"Shut up, author lover!" Jin yelled.

"Yeah, author lover!" Siegfried joined Jin with a laugh. Tifa's lips were trembling. She was on the brink of crying.

"Knock it off, guys. Who wants margaritas?" Kilik was holding a tray filled with margaritas.

"Sounds good to me!" Cloud took one sip.

"OH, GOD! I'M DRUNK!" Cloud collapsed.

"Cloud, that wasn't a margarita," Asuka said.

"It wasn't?" Cloud held up the drink.

"That's Capri sun." Kilik shook his head.

"Oh." Cloud took a margarita.

"Yay! It landed on Jin!" Xiaoyu clapped her hands.

"No! Why me?" Jin looked at the bottle pointing at him.

"Truth or dare? Dare? Okay!" Xiaoyu jumped up and down.

"I didn't say dare." Jin watched her jump and down.

"Now you did." Xiaoyu leaned in.

"Crap..." Jin edged away.

"We dare you... to..." Xiaoyu was contemplating.

"Better be with his clothes on, Xiao," Asuka swore.

"Awww. Now I'm going to think harder. Hrm." Xiaoyu placed a finger on her chin.

"Kazama! I found you! Now I'll kick your ass!" Hwoarang kicked down the door.

"What did I ever do to you?"

"Not you, Asuka. He's talking about me." Jin went into a fighting stance.

"Round one... FIGHT!" Stacy Keibler and a Torrie Wilson passed the two holding up bout cards.

"Wooo-sha! Wooo-sha! Wo-sha-sha-sha-sha-sha!" Hwoarang was spinning his head in circles.

"Impressive. But you are no match for... Ultimate Underpants Jin Kazama!" Jin ripped off his clothes, wearing only his customized bunny boxers.

"What the hell?"

"Hwoarang and Jin were rivals since the third tournament," Xiaoyu said.

"For what?" Asuka asked.

"Long story."

_Flashback._

Jin walks around with his mother in the mall. They stop only to talk to Baek Doo San and Hwoarang. Jin stares at Hwoarang. Hwoarang stares at Jin.

"Awww, a cute little boy!" some lady says at Jin.

"Awww, a cute little girl!" some lady says to Hwoarang.

"I loathe you, Kazama."

"Holy shit, Hwoarang! You can talk!" Baek was taken back by Hwoarang.

_End of flashback._

"Somebody called him a girl?" Xianghua asked.

"Well, it's actually more in depth. Jin turned down Hwoarang when Jin promised to be Hwoarang's date for the prom." Xiaoyu shrugged.

"Who did he go with?" Asuka raised an eyebrow.

"Kunimitsu."

"Oh..."

_Flashback._

Hwoarang is sitting at home wearing a black prom dress. He looks at his watch from time to time.

_Five minutes later..._

Hwoarang is baking with his mother.

"Don't worry, dear. He'll be here!" Hwoarang's mother hugs Hwoarang.

"He better be. I've already waited an hour." Hwoarang mixes the dough.

"In other news, Jin Kazama knocks out Kunimitsu in round seven! Jin Kazama wins Tekken Tag!"

"What?! Why, that backstabbing, Kazuya hairstyle stealing, Xiaoyu repelling backstabbing backstabber!" Hwoarang throws the television outside.

_End of flashback._

"So Jin won Tekken Tag, a non-canon game when he fought Kunimitsu?" Kilik asked.

"Yep!" Xiaoyu jumped up.

"Wasn't Unknown the final opponent?" Asuka asked.

"Nah. Unknown and Jun were at court."

"For what?"

"She ripped off Jun's fighting stance."

_Women's penitentiary._

"Did not!"

"Unknown, get to sleep."

"Yes, Big Martha."

_Back to the penthouse._

"Oh."

The group look back to Hwoarang and Jin, who were playing thumb wrestle.

"You will not defeat me, Hwoarang!" Jin was already struggling.

"That's what you said last time, and you defeated me, but you will not prevail!" Hwoarang threw dust at Jin's eyes.

"Ow, my eye! That's it!" Jin spinkicked the cleaning lady coming into the room to outside.

"Hah! You missed!" Hwoarang turned back to Jin and pointed at him.

"You know what this means." Jin stood against Hwoarang with his eyes closed.

"This means war!" Hwoarang pulled out a box.

_One hour later._

"You sunk my battleship!" Jin cried.

"A-14." Hwoarang moved his Destroyer.

"Missed. B-12." Jin moved his Aircraft carrier.

"Missed. This is getting boring." Hwoarang pulled out another box.

_One more hour later._

"Impossible!" Hwoarang folded his arms.

"Shut up, I'm right! Colonel Mustard killed Reverend Green using The Wrench at the Billiard Room!" Jin exclaimed.

"Well, let's see about that!" Hwoarang opened the 'Case File' card. He went pale.

"Sweet Mother of Carol Channing... you're right!" Hwoarang flopped the card down.

"I, however, will not accept defeat! I will do what I should have done a long time ago!" Hwoarang points at Jin Kazama.

"So will I!"

_Another hour._

"What in the world are you two doing now?" Xianghua asked the two. She, and the others, were watching Jin and Hwoarang playing their guitar and bass.

"We're playing the bass and guitar," Jin said.

"Why?"

"Because we should have done this a long time ago," Hwoarang strums the bass. Everyone sweatdrops.

"Maaaaaary! Haaaad!" Jin sang.

"A little lamb, whose fleece were as white as... snooooowww-oooooh, whoooo-oooooh!" Hwoarang slid on the floor with his knees.

"Thank you!" Jin and Hwoarang bowed.

"That was pointless." Tifa flopped down on the large bed. Suddenly her eyes widened.

"I just realized something very, very scary," Tifa said.

"You're pregnant?" Xiaoyu asked.

"It's that time of the month?" Xianghua tilted her head.

"You can't believe their stupidity?" Asuka turned to Jin.

"I can't believe you said that!" Hwoarang stared at Asuka.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" Jin leaned back, holding a bagel.

"No! Siegfried and Cloud have been very quiet!" Tifa shouted.

"Oh. Oh! You're right!" Asuka looked around the room for Siegfried and Cloud. They all ran around, looking for Siegfried and Cloud.

The group turned into a corridor to find Kilik closing the door. He saw everyone running towards him and placed a finger on his lips.

"Have you seen Siegfried?" Tifa asked.

"And Cloud?" Xianghua was panting.

"Yeah, but keep your voices down low. They're in here." Kilik pointed to the door behind him. They opened the door quietly to see Siegfried laying on his sides in flower pajamas with a Moogle doll in his arms. Cloud was wearing a pink fluffy cloud dusters, sucking his thumb.

"How did you..." Asuka stared in disbelief at Kilik.

"Read them Mother Goose stories." Kilik leaned against the wall.

"Wow." Tifa shook her head.

"Where's Jin?" Xianghua looked around. They spotted him yawning next to Siegfried and Cloud. Then he fell down, falling asleep. The three boys were in a little sleeping triangle.

"Awww!" the girls squealed.

"Well, I'm bushed." Hwoarang left the penthouse. The others returned back to the penthouse's living room.

"Man, it's like we're babysitting them." Asuka sighed.

"They're so cute!" Xianghua was exaggerating.

"To think Jin, Siegfried and Cloud are incredible fighters, yet they take baby naps." Kilik was tired. He yawned.

"It's kind of adorable, if you asked me." Tifa shrugged.

"Yeah, well, it can get repetitive. I'm hitting the sack." Kilik got up, making his way to the boys' room.

"Now that you mention it, I'm getting sleepy." Xianghua streched her arms.

"Let's get some sleep." Xiaoyu and Asuka made their ways to their room.

"Aren't you coming, Tifa?" Xianghua looked at Tifa exiting the penthouse.

"Eh... uhhh... I will, I just need some fresh air. Yeah, that's it!" Tifa faked streching her arms.

"Okay. Just make sure you and the author don't make too much noise when you're under the covers." Xianghua made her way to the room.

"What!" Tifa blushed.

_At the boys' room._

"No... no... no... get them away from me... evil... EVIL DINOSAUR!" Jin murmured in his sleep. He kicked Siegfried's head.

"Damn beavers... always knocking down trees..." Siegfried turned around, still asleep.

"I wanna be forgiven... yes... what are you talking about? Listen, I didn't leave dog poo on your lawn," Cloud babbled.

"At least they're asleep." Kilik turned off the light as he made his way to his bed.

"DON'T TURN IT OFF!" the boys suddenly sprung up. Kilik fell off his bed.

"Jeeze, guys." Kilik recovered.

"Don't turn it off! Or..." Cloud looked around to ensure he's not surrounded by some imaginary creature.

"... the Sandman will get us!" Cloud gulped. Siegfried and Jin were trembling under the same blanket Cloud was.

"Come on, guys. That Sandman isn't real." Kilik assured.

"Then, who's he?" Siegfried pointed behind Kilik.

"Hey," some guy said.

"That's the Boogeyman," Kilik said.

"Oh." Cloud, Jin and Siegfried went back to sleep.

"What, you're not going to fear me?" the guy asked.

"No, you're made up of boogers," Siegfried said before he fell back to his bed.

"I'll eat you alive!"

"Go away, Tiger Jackson!" Jin threw a chair at the guy.

"Awww. First, Eddy rejects me. Now this." Tiger breakdanced out of the room.

_Tifa making her way down._

"Oh, funny running into you! Wanna get some coffee? No. I bet he doesn't drink coffee. Oh, hey, Chris! What's a guy like you doing in a place like this? No way, he'll think I'm desperate. Hey, Chris, I noticed you have nice shoulders. Wait. He'd think I'm some stalker. Dang it, I need another guidline." Tifa closed her "How to lure men: Eli Wallach Edition" book as she made her way down in the elevator. She started humming. The door opens, and she exits. Tifa begins wandering around, where people are still up.

"Wow, this place is busy. What's the name of this hotel anyway?" Tifa asked herself.

"Holiday Inn," Snoop Dog said.

"Oh, thanks. 11:23pm, where to look now?" Tifa continued wandering.

_Some random location._

"I got to hand it to you, who knows what would have happened if we got sucked into that mob?" Matt chuckled.

"Chuck Norris says, 'No one sucks in people without Chuck Norris' permission'."

"Right. Anyway, thanks a lot." Chris extended his hand.

"Nobody talks to Chuck Norris unless Chuck Norris speaks to you!" Chuck Norris spun around, demonstrating a kick. Matt and Chris looked at each other.

"Chuck Norris owns NBC. Chuck Norris' left leg is Law and Chuck Norris' right leg is Order."

"Matt says, 'Chuck Norris jokes are overrated'," Matt said. He threw a banana peel on the floor behind Chuck Norris.

"And Chris says, 'You're outta' here'." Chris roundhoused Chuck Norris to the banana peel. He slipped, and fell down the stairs.

_The boys' room._

Siegfried gets up. "My banana senses are tingling!"

"Siegried, go to sleep." Kilik threw a pillow at Siegfried. He went back to sleep, and so did Siegfried.

_Back to Tifa._

"Glad that's over." Chris brushed his hands.

"Who brought him into this fanfiction anyway?" Matt asked.

"Probably snuck in when this fanfiction went chaotic."

"Hey, guys!" Tifa found the two.

"Shouldn't you be asleep? It's 11:45pm." Matt looked at Tifa.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I mean, I went out for some fresh air." Tifa blushed.

"Right. Anyway, I'm going to get some coffee." Chris turned around.

'He does drink coffee!' Tifa snapped.

"Sounds good." Matt followed.

'Crap... no alone time.' Tifa frowned.

"Wanna follow?" Matt asked.

"S-s-sure."

"Don't worry, Matt's not **that** creepy," Chris assured.

"Oh, quit it already," says Matt.

'Oookaaay.' Tifa raised a brow, following the two.

**AN:** Of course it's not making sense. Because I'm still waiting for the other half. Stay tuned. (Yeah, I had to re-upload it because I had some errors, so reviews were erased.)


	9. WTF then

_Aboard some battle cruiser in space._

"Ow… what'd I land on?" Reno looked down to find a strange green man with a dopey pope-esque hat.

"Geet uf of me dis in-stant."

"Oh shit! It's a China man!"

"Chaina mahn? I am a Trade Federation alien."

"Oh… my bad." Reno continued to sit on the alien man. A moment passed and Reno got up and kicked the alien in the face and started running.

'This is some plot made up by Kadaj and his gang!' he thought to himself. He then slipped on a carefully placed banana peel. "What the hell?"

"Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. I'm sorry sir. Oh dear. Oh dear."

"Oh no! Someone stole an uptight British butler's brain and shoved it into a gold robot!"

"Are you quite alright, sir?"

"Die robot scum!" Reno lanced the robot's face with his extendo rod and continued tearing around the ship.

_Meanwhile, the real heroes of the story… Prior to their rescuing from Chuck Norris._

"Dammit, Chris! Why didn't you lock the door?!" Matt panted after they were safely hidden in the kitchen.

"I did lock the door. They used that old woman from a couple chapters back to break it down."

They returned to the room, tip-toeing over the old woman's battered body as she reached for their ankles. "Anything missing?"

"… I can't find my yaoi shit anywhere."

"Shit! They're back!" The two take off as a legion of mad fan girls chase them chanting "Boy love! Boy love! Boy love!"

_In a closet somewhere._

"Oh my God… he has a huge-" Asuka was suddenly interrupted by Jin sliding open the door.

"Asuka, come quick it's an emer- that's a naked… man." Jin stammered as he pointed at the picture Asuka was cradling whilst making gagging noises.

"Can't a girl get a little privacy?!" Asuka blushed as she moved her hand away from the top of her shorts quickly rebuttoning them.

_Back to Steve talking to the Powerpuff Girls._

"Mannnnn, this stuff is the shlitttt." Buttercup giggled as she began stroking the boxer's chest.

"You know… if you fall down a bottomless pit, you die of starvation." Steve replied.

_Somewhere in Naboo._

"Yousa save me sir! Mesa your humbol servant I is! Messa called Jar Jar Binks!"

"Rude, you're black… translate this thing's jibberish for me." Rufus said tiredly as he ran a gloved hand through his long blond hair.

"Sir," Rude sounded a little disgruntled, "that's stereotyping and I find it racist."

"Oh come now, Rude. Everyone's a little bit racist."

"Those stupid pollocks!" Gary Coleman shouted as he ran past laughing.

"Very well, sir… I believe the creature is trying to say that he owes you his life."

"Wessa gonna die!" Jar Jar flailed around, tripping over roots and rocks and his own big dumb feet.

"What'd he say?"

"I think he said that we were going to die."

"Why would he say that?"

Rude pushed up his sunglasses as the droid army surrounded them. "It may have something to do with those."

"Oh Christ…"

"Wessa gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!"

_In the bowels of Hell._

"Has anyone seen that bastard Spawn?" Violator shouted over the masses as Spawn hid behind a pillar giggling softly, his hand over his… his where-his-mouth-should-be.

"Come out, come out where ever you arrrrre." Violator said tauntingly. "Auly auly auction free!" The plump clown jumped around a pillar, "AH!… ha. You're not there either…"

An axe suddenly stuck in the back of the clown's head. "You're it!" Spawn shouted as he pranced off into a green light.

Spawn suddenly found himself face to face with Nightmare and Heihachi. He pointed from Nightmare to Heihachi. "I recognize you… but who are you? And why are you wearing a diaper?"

"MOWASHI!" Heihachi shouted as he stood up to show it off and make his point.

"ARRGHHH! Sit it down! Sit it down!" Spawn cried as he flailed and covered his eyes.

_Meanwhile in Scene 24, which is a lovely little skit featuring Link and Lei…_

"FWEEZE!" Shouted the Chinese cop as he pointed his pistol at the elf man in a green tunic.

"HYAAAAAH!" The elf shouted back, dropping his master sword and sticking his hands in the air.

"FWEEEEEEEZE! Fweeze fweeze fweeze fweeze?"

"Hyaaaaah. Hyah hyaah hyahhh. Hyaaaah?"

"Fweeze…"

"Hyawwww." Link felt pity for the poor officer. Neither of them knew how they got to this strange place where no one could understand them. They agreed to become friends and work together to find a way home!

"YEAAAAAH!" cried Lil' Jon.

Will the Violator find Spawn? Will Asuka's obsession with Matt increase? Will Lil' Jon learn more than three words? Find out next...


	10. The chase is on

_Siegfried's and Cloud's world._

Xianghua and Xiaoyu walk inside of the boys' room, finding Cloud and Siegfried still asleep. Siegfried and Cloud were in a position too akward to even mention even though this a rated M fanfiction. Okay, Siegfried was kissing Cloud's ass while Cloud was smiling because Siegfried was licking Cloud 'somewhere' subconsciously.

"Should we..." Xiaoyu looked at Xianghua.

"Interrupt? I think they'll get mad at us..." Xianghua and Xiaoyu left the room.

Meanwhile, Siegfried and Cloud murmur in their sleep.

"Mmmm. You taste so good." Siegfried was dreaming of a banana split.

"Hehe, that tickles." Cloud dreamt being in the middle of a orgy of feathers.

"Split..." Siegfried said. Cloud spreaded his legs.

_Back to Heihachi, Nightmare and Spawn inside of an unfinished Death Star._

"A little to the left. Left. I said left, you stupid Lego construction workers," Heihachi scowled. All the workers turned around to stare at Heihachi. Their blockheads turned back to working.

"So, what's my role in this?" Spawn asked.

"I don't know."

"So why am I here?"

"Because you're ugly," Nightmare said.

"Shut up, you're ugly, too," Spawn retorted.

"Yo' mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application," Nightmare said.

"Yeah? Yo' mama so stupid when yo' dad said it's chilly outside, she ran out with a spoon."

"Yo' mama so stupid she uses lipstick on her head to make-up her mind."

"Yo' mama so fat NASA declares her as the 10th planet."

"Yo' mama so fat, she's on both sides of the family."

"Yo' mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear, 'CAUTION: WIDE TURN'."

"Yo' mama's a doorknob. Everyone gets a turn."

"Yo' mama's like racecars. She burns 50 rubbers."

"Knock it off, guys!" Heihachi barked. Nightmare and Spawned look at Heihachi. They stared for a minute and tumbleweed rolls past them.

"Yo' so old you knew Burger King when he was a prince," Nightmare said.

"Yo' like a toilet. Fat, white and smells like shit," Spawn said.

"Yo' so poor your face is on foodstamp," Heihachi said.

"Harsh, man," Nightmare said.

"Sorry, Mr. Wealthy!" Spawn scoffed.

"Shut up already! Let's get back to work." Heihachi put his construction worker hat on while a brick flies to his head, bouncing off. Nightmare looked at Spawn, and Spawn looked at Nightmare.

"Yo' mama so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook," Spawn said.

"QUIT IT!" Heihachi yelled.

"Fiiine," Nightmare and Spawn chorused. Kazuya enters the room wearing a black tank-top and a mini-skirt.

"What the..."

"That old fart wanted me to wear a black suit." Kazuya pointed at Heihachi.

"I didn't say it would be a gimpy suit, Brittany," Heihachi said. Kazuya turned around, making it look like Heihachi was talking to somebody else.

"Hey, I know you. Weren't you on 'Oops, I did it again'?" Nightmare asked.

"How do you know?" Spawn looked at Nightmare.

"I have an album."

"Oh."

"Shut up. That was ages ago." Kazuya turned to Heihachi.

"Now... time to begin our plan for universal domination! Bwuahaha!" Heihachi releases a fart blaster.

"You sick fart," Nightmare, Kazuya and Spawn said. They put on gas masks.

"Thank you." Heihachi continued watching the workers. Some fainted, and a girder fell on his construction hat. It bounced off.

_Meanwhile, as Reno enters Queen Amidala's palace by distracting the guards._

"What it is this, 'porn' you speak of?" the guard asked.

"Oh, man. The greatest thing ever. You get a ho' and a douchebag and make 'em fuck, you get it? Like... TSENG AND ELENA!" Reno broke down hysterically.

"What is this, 'fuck' you speak of?" the other guard asked.

"What? You never heard of that shit? Man, you must be a virgin." Reno laughed.

"No. My mate and I engage in pre-procreation every nightly hour." Reno stopped laughing.

"Who's ya' mate?"

"Him," the guard said, pointing at the guard next to him.

"What the..."

"We do this 'fucking' you speak of during the hours of the moon."

"Ya' asses are weird. Hey, who's that?" Reno noticed a Japanese woman entering the palace.

"That's Queen Amidala."

"She bangin'."

"Banging?"

"She's hot, man."

"Oh, no! We must save her!" the guards yelled, running over to the queen.

"Wha..." Reno noticed them spraying her with fire extinguishers.

"Oh. Uh oh." Reno ran away from the scene.

Reno kept running until he bumped into somebody.

"Watch where ya' goin', ya' ass!" Reno shook his head.

"Fuck off!" Hwoarang got up.

"What the..." Reno looked at Hwoarang.

"... fuck?" Hwoarang looked at Reno. Hwoarang put his thumb on his chin, and Reno did the same. They walked around in circles.

"Ya' pretty good lookin'," Reno said.

"I can say the same," Hwoarang said. He saw an add behind Reno and took it.

"What's that?" Reno asked.

"It's some add to join an army. Clone Troopers. Wanna join? They have free burger Fridays," Hwoarang said.

"It's better than hangin' around with those two." Reno pointed behind him where the two guards were making out.

"Awesome. Let's sign up."

_Some far off land in Naboo._

"Are we safe? Are we safe?!" Tifa peaked.

"Shhh. Stay down." Chris put a finger on his lip. Tifa quickly sat on Chris' lap.

"You two are getting too close," Matt said.

"We are not!" Tifa objected.

"There's an extra seat right next to me."

"But-but-but!" Tifa started.

"Oh, come on! Matt's not that creepy!" Chris complained.

"Why me?" Matt looked up in the air.

"What's wrong with..." Tifa was about to ask, but her eyes went wide.

"Now... **that** is not me," Chris said.

"What is?" Matt looked at Tifa biting her lip.

"Matt. I need help."

"For what?"

"Get her off me before she starts thinking something else."

"Okay." Matt held up a naked picture of Red XIII.

"Ew!" Tifa jumped off from Chris' lap. Chris pulled off some stick that was in between his lap, making it appear as something Tifa thought she felt.

"Oh. I thought... hehe." Tifa turned around.

"I think it's clear." Matt got out from behind a huge boulder. The other two came out.

"What the..." Tifa, Chris and Matt stared at a herd of fan girls grazing on grass. They saw the three, got their things and started running towards them.

"We want yaoi! We want yaoi! We want yaoi!" fan girls chanted.

"Let's get out of here!" Tifa grabbed Chris' hand and ran.

"Great." Matt chases the two.

_Korean shower room._

"Aaaaaalllllmooooooosssssttttt theeeeeeerrrrreeeeee!" Yunseong slowly approached the girls' shower room. Some girls came out.

"That was great!"

"Yeah, warm water. What more could you ask?"

"I am so refreshed."

"Yeah, I'll catch up with you guys later," Mina said, walking up to Yunseong.

"Uuuuuuhhhhhh-ooooooohhhhhh!" Yunseong slowly turned around, trying to run as fast as he can. Running speed: negative 1mph. Time reaching the girls' showers: 4 hours after a boosted headstart from a cannon. Getting prepared for a can o' whoop-ass: timeless. Seong Mina began cracking her knuckles. But before she could attack, some green light sucked up Yunseong.

"Hey, where did he go?" Mina looked around. Before she knew it, she was sucked into the green light, too.

_Hell._

"It's okay, Diane. I'm sure he'll come back," the Malebolgia said, patting Violator.

"But it's not the same!" Violater blew on its handkerchief. Satan, Hitler and Albert Einstein nodded.

_Back to the gang at the penthouse._

"What's wrong, Jin?" Kilik asked a shaking Jin.

"As-as-as-as-asuka..." Jin stuttered.

"What about Asuka?" Xianghua started patting his back. Asuka came into the room. She shot Jin a death glare, giving a 'You better not tell them I was masturbating to Matt's naked pictures' look.

"She-she-she.." Jin was about to say, but Matt, Chris and Tifa, being piggybacked on Chris, entered the room and locked the doors.

"What happened to you?" Kilik asked.

"Kilik, grab that chair!" Chris pointed at the chair while the three press their backs against the door.

"Okay." Kilik went and got it.

"Oh, Matt! Where have you been?" Asuka was about to throw herself around Matt when suddenly...

"Holy hell!" Xianghua shrieked when the door was rammed by fan girls being led by a very large woman with a club.

"Me want yaoi! Me want yaoi!" the Neanderthal smashed the floor with her club.

"We're doomed." Kilik grabbed his Kali-Yuga, Xianghua was with her unnamed Chinese sword, Jin was in a fighting stance while Tifa and Asuka were clinging to Chris and Matt.

"Somehow, I feel like this world is conspiring to terminate me." Chris shook his head.

"Why are we doing this again?" Matt asked while Asuka pulled on his hand.

"Because we're the authors." Chris threw a flashbang on the ground and ran. The others followed.

"Hey, where'd they go?" the girls were looking around after the blindings subsided.

"Hi!" Enrique Iglesias waved.

"Nooooooooo!" the girls screamed.

Will... yeah, I'm getting tired of asking you people stuff. Just stay tuned.

"Oh, Chris, thanks for saving me!" Tifa rubs all over Chris.

"Why is this happening to me?"

"Because we're authors," Matt said. He was trying to pry Asuka off.

"My hero!" Tifa and Asuka said.

"Nooooooo!"


	11. Interviews

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: Alright this is a chapter where we interview the characters for fun before we actually find a plot.

BedHeadReno: So basically, we question these guys. (Turns over to the cast.)

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: About random stuff that may or may not ruin their life / reputation.

Tifa Lockhart: Oooh! Me! Pick me! Me, Chris! Me-me-me!

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: Yes, we'll get to you. But first on our list is...

BedHeadReno: Siegfried Schtauffen! (Audience claps; fangirls screaming and yaoi boys howling.)

Siegfried: Back! Back, I say! (Swats male yaoi crowd away.)

Chris: So, Siegfried, how do you feel about your role in this story?

Siegfried: Iff feel greaff! (Mouth filled with banana.)

Chris: Wonderful. (Pulls banana out.)

Matt: Siegfried, we notice you have a banana addiction.

Siegfried: What's a banana?

Matt: I'm sorry. We notice you have a 'nanana' addiction. Can you tell is where you got it?

Siegfried: You see, when I was very young, my dad came home one day after a mission. His zweihander was yellow and in honour, I eat delicious bananas. (Sobs.)

Female Audience: Awwwww.

Chris: Touching. So, Siegfried, you seem to be a favorite among females.

Female Audience: YEAH! (Hollers and wolf whistles.)

Chris: How do you feel about being favored by young women?

Siegfried: It's creepy. This one time, I was with my mom, and she was swinging her bra around and asked me to play hospital with her.

Chris and Matt: (Sweatdrop.)

Siegfried: But I love my mother. She gets angry when I bring home dates.

Chris: Right. Siegfried, why do you carry your zweihander upside down?

Siegfried: Badluck.

Chris and Matt: Huh?

Siegfried: It's badluck. One time I came home, I found my father dead with a zweihander upside down.

Matt: Didn't you kill him?

Siegfried: I did? Oh, yeah. No wonder that scene looked familiar.

Chris: (Clears throat.) How do you feel about the yaoi fanfiction with you and other people?

Siegfried: What's yaoi?

Kilik: Siegfried, you idiot! Don't show anything!

Chris: Hey, asshole. Roll the clip.

Charade: (Flicks Chris off, rolling a random clip.)

_Kilik and Siegfried reading their lines._

Kilik: Alright, Siegfried, you pretend to be sick and I come in and 'make you feel better.' Got it?

Siegfried: But I'm not sick.

Kilik: I know. That's why you pretend. Wait, who wrote this? (Holds up script.)

George Lucas: (Half naked.) I did. Are you two ready?

Siegfried and Kilik: Ruuuuuun!

_End of clip._

Siegfried: That's so gross. I don't remember that.

Matt: Other fanfiction.

Siegfried: Oh.

Matt: Siegfried, are you single?

Chris: (Slowly turns around to his co-host.)

Matt: I didn't put this in the card.

Siegfried: Who's asking?

Matt: Some girl named... (Reads card.)

Matt: Chewbacca.

Siegfried: Yes, I am.

Chris: ... Anyway. Siegfried, is there any other women out there in your life besides blood relations?

Siegfried: ... Huh? (Dumbfounded.)

Chris: Do you have any significant other?

Siegfried: I don't... I don't understand.

Matt: Do you have a girlfriend?

Siegfried: I have plenty!

Matt and Chris: I thought you were single.

Siegfried: Of course I am.

Matt: Then how can you have a girlfriend if you're single?

Siegfried: Friends.

Matt and Chris: (Sweatdrop.)

Chris: Anyway. This person wanted to ask if you're a virgin.

Siegfried: Of course I am!

Matt: In this fanfic anyway.

Siegfried: Can I have a banana?

Chris: (Stuffs it in Siegfried's mouth.)

Matt: Next is... (Looks at Chris.)

Chris: What?

Matt: You did this on purpose didn't you?

Chris: Yep.

Matt: Anyway. Next is Asuka.

Asuka fans: (Wolf whistles and sexual comments.)

Asuka Kazama: Yay! (Hugs Matt.)

Asuka fan: I love you! Marry me!

Asuka: Too bad, I'm taken.

Matt: (Lowers eyebrows.)

Matt: (Pries Asuka off with human-sized pliers.) So, Asuka, where was your first appearance?

Asuka: Anywhere you want me. (Winks.)

Matt: No, seriously. (Holds up pepper spray.)

Asuka: It was Tekken 5 when some ape attacked my father's dojo.

Kurt Angle: I am not an ape!

Asuka: What? I'm not talking about you! Go away!

Chris: Asuka, people wanted to ask if your breasts are real.

Asuka: Is that Matt's question?

Matt: Oh, give it a rest, Asuka.

Asuka: (Cracks knuckles.)

Male Audience: (Edges away.)

Asuka: Yes, they are real.

Siegfried from the audience section: Yeah, right!

Asuka: Shut up, you can't get laid to save your life!

Siegfried fans: Boooo! (Throws objects.)

Chris: Kirigakure no Jutsu! (Uses the dense mist to decrease the accuracy of the throwers.)

Matt: (Clears throat.) Anyway...

Asuka: What, you think you're bad? (Kicks random girl in the face.)

Chris: Asuka, get back here.

Asuka: (Stomps back.)

Asuka fans: Leave our girl alone!

Asuka: That's right! Wait, your girl?

Matt: Anyway, next question. What's it like being related to Jin?

Asuka: Oh, God. It's terrible. I can't believe I'm his cousin. One time, he tried to touch my boobs when I kicked Jinpachi away.

Matt: (Leans towards Chris.) I don't think you should mention Jinpachi anymore.

Chris: Matt, other story.

Asuka: I mean, come on. How stupid can you get?

Jin fans: That's it, bitch! (Swarms the stage.)

Matt: Chris.

Chris: Mizu Bushin no Jutsu! (Produces clones, separating Asuka from angry Jin fans.)

Asuka fans: Okay, we're fed up. (Grabs illegal weapons, attacking Jin fans.)

Chris: This is getting out of hand. (Pulls out Kubikiri Houcho.)

Matt: Okay, I'm going to take a break. See you all in a bit.

Asuka: Oh, let me accompany you! (Follows Matt.)

Matt: Hands above your chest.

Asuka: Of course. (Winks.)

Matt: Not what I meant.

Tifa: Chris! Get your hands off my baby! (Runs into riot.)

Chris: ... Your what?

Tifa: Nothing! Look out!

Chris: Due to technical difficulties, we're going on a commercial break. (Feels glass shatter.)

Chris: Alright. That's it. (Returns to riot.)

Commercial: Progressive!

**AN:** If anyone has any suggestions and questions, feel free to submit. Also, whoever you'd like to see that's already been mentioned, feel free to ask.


	12. Chaos

_During the riot..._

Tifa: (Back-to-back with Chris.) There's too many of them!

Chris: I blame Jin for having such a large fan base.

Asuka fan: (Rushing towards Tifa.)

Chris: (Smacks Tifa's butt away from danger using the flat part of Kubikiri Houcho.)

Tifa: (Gasps and avoids the crowd that tackles Chris.)

Tifa: Get off of him! (Dogpiles with the rest of Asuka fans on Chris.)

Chris: Great.

_Meanwhile..._

Matt: (Washing his face on the sink.) Can this get anymore catastrophic?

Asuka: (Leaning against the wall, appearing on the mirror in front of Matt.) It can be.

Matt: (Quickly spinning around.) What the! Asuka, you do realize this is the men's bathroom, right?

Asuka: Yep.

Matt: So, what are you doing in here?

Asuka: I could ask you the same thing. (Winks.)

Matt: ... I'm a guy.

Asuka: I know that!

Matt: And you're a girl.

Asuka: And bitches go, "Hit me, baby, one more time."

Matt: Wha'...

Asuka: (Rips off clothes, wearing BDSM leather materials and a cat-o-ninetails.)

Asuka: (Approaches Matt slowly.) Is it it me or is it a little... hot in here?

Matt: It's you. (Backs up against the wall.)

Asuka: Oh, Matt! I'm sweating! I could... (Begins unzipping top off.)

Asuka: Just cool myself without these clothes. But I'm going to need your help. (Giggles.)

Matt: You have two hands.

Asuka: But they're already full!

Matt: With what?

Asuka: On your body.

Matt: (Swats hand away from his chest.) Really, Asuka, are you that desperate?

Asuka: I can be. (Butts her pelvis on Matt's.)

Matt: Oh, no! Look behind you, it's a vampire! (Points behind Asuka.)

Asuka: Come on, Matt. I can see through you.

Matt: Huh?

Asuka: I don't see the vampire's reflection. (Points behind Matt.)

Matt: They don't have reflections.

Asuka: ... Oh. (Turns around.)

Count Chocula: Blah! Can a guy have any privacy in here? (Squats on toilet.)

Asuka: Gross. (Turns back to Matt, only to see him gone.)

Asuka: Damn! I was so close! (Snaps fingers.)

Count Chocula: (Farts.)

_While Matt escapes, we return to our riot._

Tifa: You want some of this?! Huh, punk! (Pulls out gatling gun.)

Chris: Tifa, I don't think we have to go that far.

Tifa: But... you're using that big sword of yours.

Chris: What big sword?

Tifa: The one you were swinging around earlier with me a while ago.

Chris: Which one? Kubikiri Houcho?

Tifa: You know... your very long, thick and hard sword.

Chris: Which... one?

Tifa: I don't know! The very big sword that you kept motioning at me when I had to do a few blows for you! (Motions her hand like a man masturbating.)

Chris: ... That's just disturbing.

Tifa: Huh? (Motions hand movements faster.)

Chris: Okay, enough! (Stops Tifa's hand movements.)

Chris: Let's take care of these guys first.

Tifa: Okay! But I think using your sword like what you did to my behind would be a lot helpful. You sure gave me a spanking!

Chris: (Stares at Tifa.)

Tifa: What?

Chris: You have no idea how wrong you sound as of now.

Tifa: What do you mean? It's not like I'm wanking you or anything.

Chris: (Looks at the ceiling in frustration.) Somebody. Anybody. God, kill me know.

_Heaven._

God: (Aims a sniper at Chris' forehead.)

Ghandi: You have a call on line one.

God: Who?

Ghandi: Virgin Mary.

God: I thought I told you to tell her I'm on vacation. (Gritting his teeth.)

Ghandi: I did. Abraham was actually at the Bahamas when she called there. He said he hasn't seen you yet.

God: God damn it.

Ghandi: (Holds up "Pun" and "Laugh" signs.)

Audience: (Laughs.)

God: (Picks up phone.) Hello? Hey, honey! Oh, no, I'm bowling with the guys. What? Alright, I'll be home. Love you, too. (Hangs up.)

God: Sorry, Chris, but the wife's angry. (Disappears.)

_Matt approaches Jin, Cloud and Siegfried._

Jin: (Lip singing to a hairbrush.) If you wanna be my lova'!

Siegfried: (Wearing an afro.) You gotta' get with my friends!

Cloud: (Dressed up like Posh Spice.) Gotta' get with my friends!

Jin: Make it last forever!

Siegfried and Cloud: Friendship never ends!

Matt: (Stands by the doorway.) Sometimes, I question these three.

Matt: Siegfried, Cloud and Jin. I need you three to help Chris and Tifa with the riot.

Jin: (Stops actions.) How did you get in here?!

Matt: I opened the door.

Siegfried: How'd you get past our guard?!

Matt: What guard?

Cloud: Oh, no! He knows the club password!

Matt: What in the hell are you babbling about?

Siegfried: (Outside the door scolding a tattered dummy.) How could you let him in?! You're fired!

Matt: Siegfried, that's a doll.

Siegfried: He was our guard!

Matt: (Stares at Siegfried for a moment.)

Matt: That's an inanimate object.

Cloud: He was a good friend. (Sniffs.)

Matt: God damn it. Come on, you three. Let's go.

Siegfried, Jin and Cloud: (Follows Matt to the stage.)

The guard: Hey, Tiff. The coast is clear.

Some doll with a black jacket and blonde hair: I was hoping they'd leave. (Undresses.)

The guard: Daaayumn.

Tiffany: Come on, you sexy plastic thing. (Motions suggestively.)

The guard: Rubber! Rubber! Not plastic!

Tiffany: I always thought you were plastic, Chucky.

The guard named Chucky: (To himself.) I need to get tested. (Sighs.)

_Matt, Siegfried, Jin and Cloud heading to the stage._

Asuka: (Walking by.) Now where did he go?

Matt, Siegfried, Jin and Cloud: (Runs past Asuka.)

Asuka: (Looks at the group for a second.) Hey, Matt.

Asuka: (Continues walking.)

Asuka: (Stops.) Hey, wait a minute. (Turns around and starts running after them.)

_Some dressing room._

Lei: (Reading TIME magazine.) Fweeze!

Link: (Putting tunic on.) Hyah?

Lei: Fweeze.

Link: Hyah, hyah.

Justin Timberlake: I'm bringing sexy back.

Link and Lei: (Looks at each other. Then looks at Justin.)

Link: (Withdraws Master Sword.)

Lei: (Pulls out Walther P2K.) Fweeze!

Justin Timberlake: (Bounces away.) Bye, bye, bye.


	13. Getting Back To The Plot Sort of

_After a lengthy commercial break…_

Matt: Right, let's get this over with, shall we?

Chris: Matt, we have another problem.

Matt: What is it now? (He begins shuffling the papers containing questions.)

Chris: Well, it seems most of the audience has been killed.

Matt: How'd that happen?! Did you get carried away with your sword again?

Tifa: (Giggles.)

Siegfried: Garfield. Heheheheheheheh.

Chris: (Growls at Tifa's giggle fit.) Well, Marilyn Manson apparently cut the ropes holding the mega-screen, causing it to fall and crush the entire audience.

Matt: … We have a mega-screen?

Jin: Well, not anymore.

Matt: Wow, Jin. That's the smartest thing you've said this entire fan fiction.

Jin: Well, not anymore. (Jin continues clipping his toe nails, telling them they're not long anymore.)

Matt: Nevermind… Well, without an audience, what do we do?

Chris: We **could** get back to the main story.

Matt: Are you fucking kidding me? That means I'll have to think!

Chris: I'm sure we can revive some of these fans later.

Lei: FWEEZE! (Aims a pistol at Matt.)

Matt and Chris: NOT NOW!

Lei: Fweeze… (Walks away, a defeated and pathetic look on his face.)

Matt: Alright, alright. I'll work on the main plot.

_Somewhere in the main plot._

After reaching some clearing outside, Matt and Chris sit the kiddies down and gave them a little lecture.

"Alright, you guys, listen up. You've gone completely off the story line. We need to get you back on track!"

Chris nodded to his companion, "This means that we'll be needing those pictures back, Asuka. And Tifa… stop thinking that!"

Tifa blushed profusely, "Sorry!"

Matt gave Chris a side-ways glance. "Wait… why are you getting all bent out of shape? Tifa has huge boobs. Aren't you into that sort of thing?"

"Matt… I'm… I'm… In love with yo- GOD DAMMIT! Who tried to make me a gay character?!" Chris shot Matt a glare.

"What? It wasn't me this time!"

Siegfried giggled at Chris. "He's got red strings on him!"

Chris blinked and looked at himself to find he was covered in a thin red thread, like a puppet. Matt followed the thread, leaping in the air suddenly. "Shoot to Death, Shinsou." The zanpakutou that Matt somehow managed to grab extended into a bush as a loud splat and "Blegh!" could be heard.

"Damn fan girls…" Chris dusted himself off as Matt landed beside him.

"Right, listen. You guys need to head to the castle and save the queen from almost certain peril. You'll probably have to destroy some droids and steal a ship, but I'm sure you can handle tha- Asuka! Stop staring at that picture and give it to me!" Matt snatched the picture from her, expecting her to burst into tears. She didn't. Bubbles began to surround her and the backround turned pink. "He touched my haaaand."

Matt growled a little, "Just get back on track you knuckle heads!"

Chris tapped Matt on the shoulder, "They're doing it again."

Matt turned to find Siegfried and Jin streaking, while Cloud dressed up as a woman. He fell to his knees, crying. "Why? Whyyyyyy?"

Will the plot ever continue? Will you ever see a chapter that's not just a filler? And what's going on with our villains?

"We're building a Star Cruiser…"

"Shut up, Nightmare!"

"Well you're the one who asked!"

"It was a rhetorical question!"

Anyway. Will we ever figure out why Chris is repulsed by Tifa? Find out next time, when the writers have something to write about!


	14. Blast to the Past

_Back at Townsville._

"It isn't that bad, Mayor," Miss Bellum said.

"Pickles!" the Mayor cried.

"Really, sir, can't you think of anything else other than pickles?"

"PICKLES!" the Mayor shouted.

"Fine, I'll call the girls." Miss Bellum reaches for the Powerpuff Girls telephone.

"Powerpuff Hotline," the operator answered.

"Yes, please connect me to Professor Utonium."

"Sure."

_At the girls' house._

"Ack! Okay! I'm sober!" Buttercup yelled while her head was being held in a sink full of cold water.

"Steve, I think that's enough." Lee was reading the newspaper while Steve kept Buttercup's head underwater.

"Oh, alright." Steve pulled Buttercup upwards. She began breathing heavily as soon as her head resurfaced.

"I hate you," says Buttercup.

Suddenly, the telephone started ringing. Lee answered it. He then went pale.

"What it is it, Professor? Trouble?" Blossom asked.

"Yes, big trouble!" Lee started pulling his hair.

"I could have saved a bunch of money on my car insurance if I switched to Geico!" Lee fell to his knees.

"Oh, Miss Bellum called. She says a huge monster entered through some time rift and went back in time." Lee got back up.

"Gasp!" Blossom and Buttercup gasped.

"Come on, you two, we'll send you back in time with my newly built time machine." Lee started heading down to the basement.

"Since when did you become a genius in physics, Lee?" Steve asked as he followed.

"I had to do some favors," Lee replied with a suave smirk.

"Nasty boy!" Steve was appalled.

"No, no, it's nothing like that."

_Flashback to Lee's college years._

"So, if I do this, I get my doctor's degree just like that?" Lee said from inside a closet.

"Yes." Bill Clinton smiled.

"Fine..." Lee came out of the closet wearing clown shoes and a hobo suit. He started to do the Macarena, much to Bill Clinton's appeal.

"Congratulations, Mr. Chaolan," the dean from Townsville University handed Lee his college degree.

"Great job!"

"Get back down!" Bill Clinton pushed Monica Lewinsky's head back under his table.

"Forget I saw anything." Lee left the office.

_End of flashback._

"Oh." Steve twisted his lips.

"Where's Bubbles?" Blossom began looking around for the other Powerpuff Girl.

"Here, Bubbles. Come on, Bubbles." Buttercup began snapping her finger as if she were calling a dog.

"Nevermind about her. You two take Steve with you since he's a boxer." Lee started the time machine.

"I'm sure he's good with his hands." Blossom winked. Buttercup giggled next to her sister.

"Yeah, good for knock-outs." Steve smiled. Blossom and Buttercup stopped smiling.

"Alright, it's set for 1984. Find the monster, and kill it."

"Kill it?" Blossom gulped.

"Finally! I get to see blood!" Buttercup jumped up, but she fell down, scrapping her knee.

"I'm... bleeding... AHHH!" Buttercup started crying. Lee lowered his eyebrows and kicked the girls through the time portal.

"Wait, how exactly am I supposed to find this monster?" Steve asked. Lee slowly turned back to him.

"Steve. It's freakin' huge."

"Oh."

"Off you go." Lee pushed Steve to the portal.

_Somewhere in 1984._

"Come on, Anna! It doesn't take that long to put on make-up!" Nina banged on the door.

"I know! I'm just taking my time to piss you off."

"You bitch!" Nina knocked down the door, tackling Anna to the floor.

_In the middle of a highway._

"Run!" Buttercup and Blossom started dodging some cars.

"Run? RUN?! You two can fly, but you want us to run?!" Steve was standing still in the middle of the highway, causing the cars to avoid any fatalities but they lost control anyway so they crashed into other cars. Buttercup and Blossom looked at each other and realized what Steve said. They took Steve and started flying away.

"So embarrassing." Blossom blushed.

_Finding the monster..._

"We found you, huge monster! Time to pay for your crimes!" Blossom said boldly.

"We're going to kick your butt!" Buttercup stood besides her sister. The monster looked from Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom to Buttercup to Blossom then back to Blossom. Then the monster started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Blossom asked.

"Why can't you say ass, you ass?" the monster asked, mocking the girls.

"Oh, why, I oughtta'!" Buttercup was about to attack but the monster flicked her away.

"Oh, man. You guys are hilarious. Hey, guys! I'm a Powerpuff Girl made up of sugar and spice and everything nice!" the monster started making mocking gestures, but then Steve knocked him out.

"Bloody Christ, he's annoying." Steve shook his hand about.

"Steve, you took him out!" Blossom was surprised.

"What do we do now?" Steve asked. He looked at the unconscious monster then back to the girls. He saw a bar and he had an idea.

_Three hours later..._

"So I was like, whoa, and he was like, whoa, ho', and we're like, whoa-wow!" the huge monster started telling an incoherent story.

"You're cool, huge monster. You... you-you... you're all right. Because... 'cause I got your back. You know." Buttercup started wobbling about with a pitcher of beer. Blossom's face was on the table, completely knocked out.

"Ah, nothing good but relaxin' with some good ol' lager." Steve took a sip of beer. He spotted two girls walking into the bar.

'Now this is what I'm talking about.' Steve thought as he started walking to them.

"Hello, ladies. Fancy meeting you in a bar." Steve smiled.

"Oh, my. An English stud," the brunette haired girl said, examining Steve up and down. The blonde girl approached Steve and smiled.

"This one's mine."

"No fair!" the brunette girl yelled.

"You have Johnny, John or Jonathan, whatever his name is."

"You bitch!" the brunette screamed. Steve chuckled as the brunette girl walked away.

"What's your name, handsome?" the blonde girl asked, winking.

'I probably shouldn't say my real name. It might affect the future.' Steve smiled. "Name's Dean Earwicker."

"Coolio. I'm Nina," the blonde girl said, stroking Steve's chest.

"Beautiful name." Steve kissed Nina's hand.

"Such a gentleman. Say, why don't we go to my place?" the blonde girl winked. Steve smiled. 'SCORE!'

_A couple of hours later._

"That was amazing, Dean," Nina said. She rested her head on Steve's chest.

"Now I've felt London's Bridge." Nina whispered in Steve's ear. She got up and went to the bathroom.

"I am the man." Steve laid back against the pillows in Nina's house.

"Steve!" Blossom whispered loud from outside of the window. Buttercup was hanging on Blossom, for she was too intoxicated.

"Christ, Blossom! What are you doing here?"

"The Professor wants us back. Come on, we gotta' go."

"Oh, alright." Steve started putting his clothes on. When he looked up, he saw Nina staring at him with a towel around her.

"Your name's Steve?" Nina looked at him questionably.

"Thanks a lot, Blossom," Steve said sarcastically.

"Who's she?" Nina stared at Blossom. "And why does her face look weird? And how come she doesn't have a nose?"

"What! Why, you-" Blossom was about to say, but Steve cut her off.

"We're super heroes. We came here to destroy a monster but it got away. So we have to find it," Steve lied. He was about to jump out of the window but Nina stopped him.

"Will I ever see you again?" Nina looked sad to see him off.

"I hope so." Steve kissed her lips.

"What's your real name?" Nina asked.

"Steve. Steve Fox."

"Okay. I'm Nina Williams." Nina smiled. Steve went pale.

'No wonder I never knew my father... way to go, dumbass.' Steve scolded himself.

"Come on, Steve! We're going to be in trouble!" Blossom started flying away. Steve jumped out and managed to catch Blossom's leg just in time. Nina looked outside her window and smiled. She went back to her bed to see a pair of blue gloves with studs where the knuckles should be. She sighed and hugged the gloves.

"Steve Fox..." Nina said softly. She pressed her head against her pillows.

_Returning back to the lab._

"What in the world took you guys so long? You're over two days late!" Lee started ranting. He noticed Steve looked pale.

"What's the matter with you?" Lee asked.

"I'd rather not talk about it." Steve hung his head.

"He was sad to leave some blonde girl behind," Blossom informed him. Steve shot Blossom a glare.

"Yes, well, it's not like you fucked your own mother." Lee started going up the stairs. Steve started smacking his own face mentally.

_Somewhere in the past._

"I'm pregnant!" Nina jumped for joy.

"I'm going to be an aunt!" Anna squealed.

"What are you going to name it?" Anna asked Nina.

"Steve... Steve Fox." Nina touched her stomach, and then she started crying.

"It's okay, Nina. You'll see him again." Anna comforted her sister.

"Okay, ladies. It's time to start the testing," Dr. Boskonovitch said.

"Wha'?" Nina and Anna asked, but Sub-Zero froze the two.

"Sub-Zero wins!" Sub-Zero raised his hand in victory. Then he left, taking his Subway meal with him. Dr. Boskonovitch looked around to make sure no one was around. Then he started to undress himself.

"Two hot, young women. What more could you ask?" Dr. Boskonovitch smiled, jumping around naked. He started doodling on their bodies with Sharpie markers.

_Naboo._

"Oooh, look at the pretty weird-thingers!" Tifa started exclaiming, tugging on Chris' arm.

"How did I get paired with you?" Chris felt a little annoyed.

"Allow me to answer. We got our partners by pulling a card out of a hat," Matt said. Asuka was pulling him.

"And whose idea was it?" Chris asked.

"Siegfried and Cloud." Matt was literally spinning around in circles, for the group was touring Naboo's shops.

"Wait, you allowed them to do that?" Chris lowered his eyebrows.

"Oh, would you look at that. Come on, Asuka, I hear there's a good clothing store nearby." Matt hurried off.

"Clothing store? Oooh! You get to watch me change!" Asuka pulled Matt.

'I knew that was a bad idea...' Matt was dragged. Meanwhile, Chris turned around to his partner.

"Uh oh..." Chris started. Tifa's lips were trembling and she put on the puppydog face.

"Y-you d-don't like me?" Tifa asked. She started sniffing and her eyes were sparkling.

"You're so mean!" Xiaoyu yelled in Chris' ears. "Come on, Xianghua!" Xianghua was pulled by Xiaoyu.

"Oh, great. First, obsessed fan girls chase us. Then, we end up stranded in some mall-esque place. Now I get stuck with a bunch of idiots. This keeps getting worse as the story progresses!" Chris started scowling. It only made Tifa cry more and people passing by stared at the two awkwardly.

"Gee, what's gotten into him?" some lady said.

"Come on, dear. Let's go to a place where couples should **appreciate **one another," another lady said. People kept whispering loud enough for Chris to hear, to the point he got annoyed.

'Note to self: when someone offers you a job to write a crossover, don't take it.' Chris thought. Tifa's crying kept getting louder.

"Come on, let's go watch a movie or something." Chris took Tifa's hand.

"Oooh! A movie!" Tifa stopped crying. She started dragging Chris to the nearest movie theatre.

_Meanwhile..._

"You'll never catch us alive, coppers!" Cloud yelled. Siegfried and Jin were right behind him, being chased by Naboo police.

"Get back here! And put some clothes on!"

Will this get anymore chaotic? Of course. Will the story ever be clear? Highly doubt it. Will we ever find out why Matt is discontent with Asuka? Tune in next time.


	15. How's everyone doing?

_In a clothing store of Naboo's mall..._

"Oh, Matt! How do you think I'd look in this one?" Asuka held up a set of sensual undergarments.

"Eh? Oh, I'm sure you'd look splendid." Matt began shuffling through the Jedi robes trying to find one in his size.

"Matt, what're you doing? You've been ignoring me this whole time." Asuka pouted and bit her lip, "It's like you don't

even love me."

Matt blinks as he pulls a robe from the rack. "Well, I love you in a parental kind of way."

Asuka swooned and dragged her finger down Matt's chest. "Parental guidance suggested? Realllllly?"

"That's not what I meant! I meant in a platonic way!"

Asuka appeared oblivious to what the word 'platonic' meant and began stroking Matt's shoulder.

"I wonder if Chris is having this same problem..."

"What was that, dear?"

"Don't call me that!"

_Meanwhile, in the theater..._

"Eeep!" Tifa squealed and jumped into Chris' lap.

"What the hell are you doing?" Chris whispered/yelled.

"I got scared." She pouted.

"... It's a comedy."

"But Robin Williams is so creepy!"

"Okay, you got me there." Chris rolled his eyes.

_Back in the store._

"Uh oh... Asuka, get down!" Matt grabbed Asuka's hand and pulled her behind a rack of Darth Vader costumes.

"Why are we hiding?" Asuka whispered.

Matt lifted his finger to his lips to indicate that she needed to be quiet. He pointed between the costumes at the

figures of three battle droids prowling the area. "They're probably looking for you guys..."

"But we haven't even reached the point of the story where we attack them when we storm the palace!" Asuka

protested in a hushed voice.

"Streaking is a federal offense here."

"Ohhhh."

_The mall detention center._

"You guys are doo-doo heads!" Siegfried protested as he tried to pull his new pants off. He, Jin and Cloud had been

outfitted with special belts that made it impossible to remove their pants.

"We'll release the belts after your parents report here to release you." One of the battle droids chirped.

"Rodger, rodger." The other droid replied.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me Rodger." He shot the other droid's head off. Jin started to cry.

Cloud began stroking a mug against the bars while Siegfried played the Power Rangers theme on the

harmonica.

"Prisoner number 0129756, halt that noise with the mug." The droid chirped again.

"Sorrrrrrrrrrrry!" Cloud protested.

"Prisoner 0129758, do you know Old Susanna?"

Siegfried nodded and proceeded to play the tune. The tone-deaf droid began singing along, causing it's

own circuits to fry. The three stared at each other and then broke into a riotous panic.

"Yaaaay-AH!" shouted Lil' Jon.

"Nooooooooooo!" The three cried out. In an attempt to escape from Lil' Jon's puny vocabulary, the boys tried

to knock down the gate, effectively crushing Lil' Jon as they ran out.

"O...kaaaaa-yahhh-blarghhhh." Lil' Jon spouted as he died.

_Somewhere in the clone trooper training area._

"Nice shooting Mr. Reno." The commanding officer stated. "You're doing quite well too, Mr. Hwoarang."

"Thanks, bro." Reno replied.

"What'd you expect? I beat Kazama." Hwoarang gloated.

The instructor smiled at the two, and then reached Yunseong and got a stern look on his face, "You, however, are doing quite

poorly, Mr. Yunseong!"

"Dude, check him out!" Reno tapped Hwoarang on the shoulder and pointed at Yunseong. "He looks like us too, bro!"

"Hey, you're right! Too bad he doesn't have the goggles."

"What are you talking about, commander? I hit every target!"

"Son, this is the Clone Trooper army. Have you even seen the original trilogy?"

"Trilogy? What trilogy?!" Yunseong was getting frustrated.

"Our pride rests on our ability to miss every target no matter how good we aim!" The commander pointed his blaster rifle

directly on Yunseong's forehead and pulled the trigger. The laser some how shot directly to the right of the commander.

"Nice one, commander!" Reno shouted.

"Hell yeah!" Hwoarang shouted.

"What's wrong with you people!?" Yunseong shouted.

"FWEEZE!" Lei shouted, firing his blaster all around the dummies.

"Very good, squad captain Lei!"

"Fweeze fweeze." Lei replied to the commander.

"HYAAAAH!" Link interrupted.

"Master Windu!" The commander bowed.

"Hyaah hyah? Hyaaaaaah!" Link replied.

"Oh... sorry, I get your accents confused."

"I'm black! He's white! It's not that hard to tell the difference!" Mace Windu replied.

"Master Windu!"

"Rude? What're you doing here?"

"Reno? I see you go sucked in here too." He put on his shades.

"Omg! It's Morpheus!" Hwoarang pointed.

"Nah, it's just my partner, Rude."

"No, behind him!"

"There is no spoon." Morpheus said as he munched on a bag of doggy treats.

"That's sick, dude." Yunseong pointed at the bag.

"There are no doggy treats..." Morpheus replied sadly as he dumped the bag's crumbs on the ground and walked away.

"That was disgusting!" Hwoarang shouted after Morpheus had disappeared.

"They're really not that bad." Reno said as he munched on some of the crumbs at the bottom of the bag.

Everyone stared at Reno for a moment. "Don't judge me!"

_In the Hut palace on Tatooine._

"Hmm? What'd I land on?" A very confused Ganryu shouted whilst scratching his mostly-visible ass. As he scratched he felt something

slimy beneath him. "Hmm? Oh! It seems I have crushed a giant slug! Fortune has smiled upon me! I was starving!" Ganryu got off the monster

and picked it up, shoving it down his throat. Just then, another slug slithered in. "Jabaa. Hgurn flgu pudoo gargi kogerl."

"Flagr gorg blagerd zugar belg jarsh." Replied Ganryu, massive amounts of slimy drool escaping his lips. It appeared that he had been

confused for a creature named Jabaa The Hut. Ganryu held his massive gut and let out a slight laugh. "Hohhh hohhhh hohhhh hohhhhhhhh. Bring me

foooooood." He shouted at one of the weird aliens.

_Back on Naboo in the jungles._

"Messa your humbo servant! Messa Jar Jar Binks. Messa your frien!"

"Shut up you stupid alien!" Reno shouted back at him. "How did I get separated from Rude and get stuck with this beast of burden?"

"Messa take you to Gunga City! 'Tis a hidden place it is!"

"Hidden city, eh? Sounds like a good place to start a business." Rufus stroked his chin for a moment, and then smacked the alien over the head.

"Take me there, low life."

"Messa gonna die!"

"I'm bringing sexy baaaaack," Justin Timberlake spouted to Rufus.

"Umm... sorry. I've already got plenty."

"Messa too!" Jar Jar struck a pose.

"You mother fuckers don't know how to act." Justin growled as he walked away.

"That was odd. Okay dumb ears, let's get going!"

"Yessa massa!"

"Watch what you say! People will think George Lucas is trying to insert subtle references to slavery!"

"Sorry, massa! Pwease don't whip me!"

"God... damn it."

_Wherever the hell the X girls wound up._

"Hey Xiaoyu."

"Yeah, Xianghua?" Xiaoyu was munching on a slice of pizza from Pizza The Hut.

"I think we're being watched..."

Xiaoyu started to freak out and began eating her pizza faster. Xianghua quirked her eyebrow at her. "Do you always eat fast when you're nervous?"

Xiaoyu nodded quickly and went back to eating.

"Aww! That's so cute!" Xianghua leaned forward and patted Xiaoyu on the head who was now pouting with a mouth full of pizza.

"Anyway, those two guys over there keep staring at us." She pointed at another table with a blonde haired man in a red gi with

his long blonde hair going straight up, along with a Chinese man with messy hair and a little bit of a beard.

"PAUL!? LAW?!" Xiaoyu spat out her pizza all over a near by oompa-loompa. The oompa-loompa then kicked her in the shin.

"Owww! You're a mean little man!" Xiaoyu pouted, holding her leg as Paul and Law walked towards them.

What're Paul and Law doing at the mall? Will our heroes ever storm the palace? Will Matt and Chris ever escape the plot and just be authors?


	16. Incest and Skittles

_Back to the 15th century._

Above the lands of Europe sit a kunoichi, a wind priestess and a golem.

"Are you sure this is safe, Talim?" the kunoichi asked.

"Yes! The winds will protect us!" Talim said gleefully. She was eating some Skittles.

"Worms!" the golem screamed.

"No, no, Astaroth. These are Skittles. Here, you want Gummy Worms?" Talim was going through her bag filled with sweets.

"These are pretty good!" the kunoichi said, holding a bag of Sour Skittles. Her eyes started twitching from the bitterness.

"Here, Taki. You'll like these." Talim handed her a packet of flavoured marshmallows. Taki took them, and then looked down.

"Guys, what if this isn't real?" Taki asked.

"What do you mean?" Talim tilted her head.

"I mean, we're sitting on a rainbow." Taki, Talim and Astaroth looked down.

"It will rain blood today!" Astaroth screamed. Suddenly, red Skittles started falling on the ground. As soon as they were beneath the dirt, they started growing more rainbows.

"What are you doing?" Taki looked at Talim licking the rainbow they were on.

"Skittles. Taste the rainbow." Talim continued licking.

"Hey, there's Mitsurugi and Raphael." Astaroth pointed below them. Mitsurugi was using Raphael as support.

"You can talk?" Taki asked.

"Yep." Astaroth was kicking his feet in the air whilst sitting on the rainbow.

_Below Astaroth, Taki and Talim._

"Oh, no, no, no, NO!" Raphael screamed. Mitsurugi leaned forwards and vomitted on the ground, near his boots.

"Uggghhh... I'm going to get a major hang-over tomorrow." Mitsurugi was leaning sideways, and Raphael had to balance them out by leaning against Mitsurugi.

"And I'm going to need new boots." Raphael grunted. Suddenly, saliva splattered all over the two.

"What the hell, man?" Mitsurugi looked at Raphael.

"I didn't do it." Raphael shot Mitsurugi a serious stare.

_Above Mitsurugi and Raphael._

"Nice one, Taki." Talim sucked in some mucous. She let it slip down from her mouth, aiming for the two.

"Yeah, haha." Taki high-fived Talim. Astaroth leaned back, taking in a lot of phlegm. He shot a ball of mucous and saliva the size of three cannonballs combined towards the two.

_Back to Raphael and Mitsurugi._

"Damn pigeons!" Mitsurugi shook his fist in the air.

"Blah!" Raphael combed his hair. He saw a large shadow and decided to look up.

"Uh oh," Mitsurugi and Raphael said simultaneously. _Splat._

_Back to the trio._

"Ahahaha! Hundred points!" Taki high-fived Astaroth.

"What are you doing, Talim?" Astaroth raised an eyebrow. He noticed Talim in a squatting position, pulling her pants down.

"Happy New Years!" Talim screamed. Her face started frustrating, and it was bright red with veins popping all over.

_Mitsurugi and Raphael._

"Man, not my hair!" Mitsurugi was fully awake now. He was trying to wipe off the thick liquid off of the end of his ponytail, which looked like a feather duster.

"Oh, no." Raphael looked up. Mitsurugi looked at Raphael.

"What?" Mitsurugi asked. Raphael pointed at the sky.

"Oh, great." Mitsurugi shielded his head. The two got splattered from a descending chocolate meteor.

"Ew, mommy! That man smells like cow poop!" some little girl yelled, pointing at Mitsurugi and Raphael.

"Come on, Penelope," the girl's mother said, covering her nose.

"You guys smell." Maxi covered his nose.

"Shut up, man." Mitsurugi and Raphael lowered their eyebrows. All of a sudden, out of the blue, yellow liquid started splashing on the two.

"It's raining?" Maxi looked up.

"Oh." Maxi smiled. Raphael and Mitsurugi looked up to see two girls squatting and one golem leaning forwards.

"At least you got your shower." Maxi laughed, and started walking away. Raphael and Mitsurugi looked at each other. They went to chase Maxi but immediately paused when they heard squishing sounds coming from their foot.

"Dog..." Mitsurugi started.

"... DOO-DOO!" Raphael cried.

_Above the rainbow._

"That was awesome." Taki was lying on the rainbow on her stomach.

"Let's do it again!" Talim suggested excitedly.

"When we need the bathroom." Astaroth was already eating. He disappeared.

"Where did he go?" Taki and Talim started looking around. Talim disappeared as well.

"What the hell? Where'd they go?" Taki was standing now. She had her hands on her waist, looking around frantically. The rainbow started to disappear.

"Aw, crap. I forgot we need Talim in order to stand on this thing." Taki started falling.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-huh?" Taki screamed, and she disappeared herself.

_Korea._

"Oh, Mina. Will you be my wife? I swear I'll wash the dishes when I'm not lazy! Nah, that won't work. Hey, babe. Be my wife, and we'll, ya' know. Wabonk-ba-bonk-kabonk-bonk! Teh, I doubt she understands Ebonics. Yo', Mina, yo' papa wants me to marry you. So I have no choice but agree. Ah, fuck that. I can't be truthful." Hwang Seong-gyeong was fumbling through a "Lie Your Way To Marriage / Getting Laid" book. He opened the dojo's doors, hoping to find Mina training as usual in her half-naked suit. But all he found were old ladies cleaning and young boys playing with their sticks.

"Master Wang! Master Wang! Look what I can do!" a boy yelled, motioning his hands up and down on his training sword.

"Master what?" Hwang asked. He stared in disbelief at the boy's demonstration.

"I saw my brother doing this once when he kept saying mama's name! And he said it was a secret art!" the boy placed the stick in between his legs and started continuing the same movements he was doing.

'That's fucking sick.' Hwang held back from puking.

"Come on, honey! It's time to go home," some lady said, calling for the little boy.

'God... DAMN!' Hwang's eyes popped out. "No wonder he thinks of his mother."

"Excuse me?" the lady said. She was standing next to Hwang.

"Oh, no, it's nothing." Hwang chuckled. The lady started smiling.

"What?" Hwang asked.

"Nothing," the lady said. She left the dojo, only to look back at Hwang and winked.

"Weird lady." Hwang patted his stomach, but he felt something sticking forwards. He looks down.

"Oh, fuck!" Hwang smacked his head. He had a boner, and it apparently touched the lady.

_The boy's house._

"We're home!" the lady said.

"Sweetie, can you find your brother?"

"Okay, mama!" the boy said, as he started running up the stairs. The boys' mother opened the bathroom.

"CLOSE THE DOOR!" some adolescent boy screamed. She closed it right away.

"I can't find him, mama," the younger boy said. His mother placed a finger on her lips.

"Mother... mother... mother..." she heard from beyond the door. The lady smiled.

'I think he's ready to breed,' the lady thought.

_Townsville._

"Ms. Keane! Ms. Keane! Butch is putting glue on Lili's head again!" a student yelled. Ivy turned around from writing on the board.

"Butch, that's enough!" Ivy screamed. Butch looked at Ivy, then went back to gluing Lili's head.

"Be... still!" Ivy smacked Butch with her Valentine.

"Crap..." Butch mumbled.

"Sergei, can you finish this problem?" Ivy turned over her students. Sergei shook his head vehemently.

"Ms. Keane, he can't talk. Well, not really."

"Talking has nothing to do with doing the problem on the board, Ken," Ivy said. She was tapping on her big book with her nails.

"Why don't you do it, then?" Ken said.

"Because I'm the teacher. Why don't you do it?" Ivy offered.

"Because I'm supposed to learn. Why don't you do it?" Ken retorted. Ivy stared at Ken for a while.

"I'll do it, Ms. Keane!" Dante got up. He quickly withdrew Rebellion and started slashing on the board. Then he somersaulted backwards, shooting twice on the black board with Ebony and Ivory.

"Correct, Dante. Five plus five is ten." Ivy turned around again.

"Psst, Lili." Buttercup passed Lili a note. Lili opened it.

_"Dear Lili Rochefort,_

_I like you._

_Sincerely,_

_Sergei Dragunov._

_P.S.: Will you go out with me? I mean, I don't really say anything but it wouldn't stop me from making out._

_P.P.S.: Do you have an extra eraser? I think Armour King ate mine._

_P.P.S.S.: What time is it?"_

Lili turned over to Dragunov and smiled. She started writing a note herself. She passed it over to Buttercup, who passed it over to Blossom, who passed it to Kyo Sohma, who passed it to Andy Bogard, who passed it to Ken Masters, who passed it to Jason Voorhees who opened it for Dragunov with his machete.

_"DeaR DraGoniTe,_

_I fink ur kyoot._

_Sincerely,_

_Emily 'Lili-Cuddle-Winks' Rochefort._

_P.S.: Okay. What time?_

_P.P.S.: I had an extra eraser but I think Dexter's using it for experiments._

_P.P.S.S.: I don't know. I accidentally fell asleep. XD"_

Dragunov took the note and opened it. He stared at it for a while and frowned. Lili wondered why he frowned, so she kept staring at Dragunov the entire lecture.

"Okay, class. Recess," Ivy said. Everyone immediately ran out with the exception of Yoshimitsu.

"Yoshimitsu, it's recess." Yoshimitsu just sat there.

"Yoshimitsu?" Ivy walked over to Yoshimitsu, who was sitting in an Indian Squat.

"Oh..." Ivy noticed Yoshimitsu taking a nap. Ivy went to the teachers' lounge.

_Poke Oaks playground._

Dragunov, Jason, Ken, Andy, Kyo, the Terminator and Armour King all stood in one corner of the gate. Meanwhile, Lili, Blossom, Buttercup, Bubbles, Dante, the girl from The Exorcist and Emily Rose were in another corner.

"What's the matter, Lili?" the Exorcist girl asked, rotating her head around then vomitted all over Butch who was passing by.

"I think Dragunov's sad." Lili looked at Dragunov, who was slumping with the other boys.

"Why not ask why he's sad?" Emily Rose suggested. She ran away, screaming about seeing ghosts and devils. "One, two, three, four, five, six!"

"Yeah, I should." Lili walked over to Dragunov.

"Sergei?" Lili leaned over to Dragunov, who was playing pogs with Jason. Jason looked down, and smashed the stack with his machete.

"I'll be back," the Terminator said. He walked away, towards the restroom.

"What's the matter?" Lili asked Dragunov. Dragunov stared at Lili's breasts for a moment, then at Lili.

"He can't speak, remember?" Kyo said.

"Oh. Oops." Lili placed her palm on her lips. "Well, I really like you, Sergei!" Dragunov smiled and jumped up.

"Why were you sad?" Lili asked.

"He can't read," Andy Bogard said.

"Oh."

"I'm back," the Terminator said. He sat down next to Armour King. The bell rang.

"Recess is over. Come on in, class!" Ivy yelled. Everyone ran in, except Lili and Dragunov. They were holding hands. Ivy looked at the two and smiled.

"I wish Siegfried was here." Ivy sighed.

_Naboo._

"You all right, Siegfried?" Jin asked. He was lying down on the cell bed.

"Yeah. I swear, everytime Ivy says my name, she causes more misery." Siegfried was recovering from the sneeze.

"Let. Us. Out." Cloud was walking back and forth with a mug, running it through the cell bars. Everyone in jail started chanting.

"Let us out. Let us out. Let us out. Let us out."

"Shut up!" the guards yelled, running in. The cell Siegfried, Jin and Cloud were in opened all of a sudden. But they didn't escape that way. Instead, the trio escaped through the window.

"Hey, get back here!" one guard yelled, trying to chase the three. Four more guards followed. Then seven more. Then all of the guards were in the cell Siegfried, Jin and Cloud were in. The doors closed.

"Hah! Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" Persephone smirked.

"Let us out!" Hades yelled.

"Fuck if I will." Persephone escaped.

_Outside of jail._

"Did you know the cell doors opened?" Cloud asked. Jin and Siegfried shrugged. They just stood outside of jail for a while.

What the hell happened? The world may never know. Tune in next time.


	17. Dude, where's my space shuttle?

_Rejoining the group back at Ivalice._

"I swore he said it was this way!" Tifa said promisingly. She was biting her nails.

"So you asked for directions from some lion?" Chris placed his hands on his hips.

"Yeah! And not just any lion; he was a part of Voltron!" Tifa smiled and jumped up a little. She stopped smiling when she noticed Chris staring at her.

"What's the matter, Chris?" Tifa asked. Chris continued to stare at her.

'Uh oh, was it something I said? I did? Must he be mad at me? Oh, no! I think it's because we're lost!' Tifa panicked in her thoughts.

"Don't worry, Tifa, he's not mad. You shouldn't have jumped up, though." Matt appeared out of nowhere with Asuka- who was arm-and-arm with Matt.

"Why?" Tifa wondered. Matt walked up to Chris and removed his shades. His eyes were in a drug-induced-like haze while his mouth subconsciously let drool slip out. Matt motioned at him.

"I don't get it." Tifa shook her head a bit. Matt leaned in.

"It makes your girls jiggle." Matt snickered.

"I still don't get it." Tifa was dumbfounded. Asuka crept up to Tifa from behind and lifted her slightly, bouncing the girl a bit.

"I still don't get it. And what was that for?" Tifa was still being bounced around.

"God, can you be any more clueless... I'm talking about your breasts." Matt shook his head.

"What about them?"

"... It's a Chris thing."

"Oh, I get it!" Tifa winked. She looked at Chris who stood at the same spot. She approached him gingerly and leaned a bit, but before she could touch him, his body deteriorated into sand.

"Oh, my God!" Asuka and Tifa shrieked, and started huddling with Matt.

"Awesome." Matt smiled.

"Alright, guys, I have a map. I asked one of those Moogles cartographers and gave them one of Tifa's panties in exchange for a map. So from here on, we head West." Chris pointed behind him, where a Moogle was sniffing on a white thong.

"How'd you get that map?" Asuka asked. Chris stared at Asuka's sudden stupidity after explaining how he got the map.

"How'd you get Tifa's thong?" Matt was suddenly interested.

"Long story."

"I bet it was."

"Hey, Asuka, want Matt's pony boxers? I have the password to his underwear drawer just in case you planned on stalking us and stealing things from our house."

"Forget I asked." Matt snagged the map from Chris' hands.

"Chris, what was that thingy that looked like you and turned into sand?" Tifa started bending forwards.

"Doppelganger."

"What's that?"

"Learned it from Sub-Zero and Dante during World War II."

"Wait... World War II? How old are you again?" Asuka was curious. Chris ignored the question.

"Anyways, it's going to be a long travel."

"I like long travels! Especially when it's rough and hard!" Tifa piped up. Matt and Asuka sniggered and snorted. Asuka went back to clinging to Matt, and Matt groaned.

"I'm talking about fighting monsters." Tifa blushed.

"The hell if we are fighting. We're taking Chocobos." Chris whistled and two Chocobos walked up to the four.

"What, did you use Tifa's bra this time?" Matt smirked.

"Yep." Chris climbed up on a Chocobo. Matt's mouth started gaping.

"I'm not even gonna' ask." Matt helped Asuka up, while Chris gave a hand for Tifa to climb up.

"Alright, let's find the others," Matt said, kicking the Chocobo's sides. Tifa gasped.

"That's not me." Chris shook his head, trying to adjust to the seat that poked Tifa's butt.

_Meanwhile, Siegfried tries to apply for a job at Death Star Galactic Astronomical Incorporation._

"And you worked as a thief for three years?" Siegfried's employer overlooked his application form.

"Actually seven years, but we started working at Dunkin' Donuts so our years were somehow reduced." Siegfried bobbed his head up once. His employer smiled at him. She crossed her legs over one another and tipped her glasses upwards.

"Okay. Why should we hire you?"

"Because I'm reliable, considerate, am-am-ambiabible..." Siegfried read the writings on his forearm that was smudged from eating a banana flavoured ice cream.

"And I'm a hard worker." Siegfried finished off.

"So, what job are you thinking to apply for?"

"Astronaut." Siegfried tried sounding professionally. He smiled. That very same smile turned into a big smile, including the big open mouth and retarded face.

"Oh? And what do you think you'd discover?" the lady asked.

"I'm thinking of taking my big shuttle and taking it to Uranus." Siegfried quirked an eyebrow and smiled, excluding the retarded face. His employer smiled, insinuating Siegfried's motives and started unbuttoning her blouse. Siegfried stared at her top, which were a pair of big breasts.

_Dalmasca Westersand._

"Blame it on him." Matt pointed over to Chris, who was behind him with Tifa at the audience. The audience started laughing.

"What? Big is better." Chris shrugged. Tifa started blushing.

"Awwww," the audience cooed.

"Man, why did you have to include them?" Chris started blaming Matt.

"Don't ask me, I didn't send out invitations."

"But we did! Hi, and welcome to Real World," random Real World casts started saying, with the entire production team. The cameras were faced to the four.

"And today's cast, we have Tifa Lockhart, who is in love with Chris." Lacey Buehler looked at Tifa.

"What!" Tifa's eyes widened.

"Chris, the asshole of the team." Danny Roberts pointed at Chris. Chris rolled up his sleeves and started cracking his knuckles.

"Asuka, the main love interest of Matt," Lacey said through a microphone.

"Huh?" Matt was shocked and trying not to strangle Lacey.

"Oh, Matt!" Asuka flung herself to Matt since she was behind him.

"And Matt, the yaoi heart-throb!" Danny winked at Matt.

"I think I'm becoming more like you every time we hang around." Matt looked over to Chris. Chris nodded.

"I have to thank Iwo Jima for this. Bless my comrades." Chris grabbed a flag pole with a spearhead at the end. But before he and Matt could attack, Ryu and Dan Hibiki interjected.

"This is for not casting me in Real World Tokyo!" Ryu leaned back, channeling Ki throughout his arms.

"And this is for not casting me in Real World Rejects!" Dan copied Ryu's stance.

"Hadoken!" Ryu blasted everyone he saw, with the exception of the four, himself and Dan. Even Cacutar who happened to be unfortunately in the way was blown to pieces.

"Gadoken!" Dan yelled. Everyone prepared for the worst, but they heard a small _poot_ and a small blast shot out from his hand, which disappeared after being launched two inches away from his hand.

"Man, no wonder why they didn't cast you in Real World Rejects. Even rejects would reject you." Ryu did a dragon uppercut to Dan. Meanwhile, the four took this chance to escape with their Chocobos.

"Remind me to commemorate those two," Matt said.

"Hey, Chris, when you said something about Iwo Jima, were you talking about the Pacific Campaign?" Asuka asked again.

"Yep." Chris nodded.

"Okay, really, how old are you?" Asuka was bewildered about Chris' appearance, which doubted his age. Chris ignored that question again.

"Let's just say we're old school," Matt insisted.

"And how old are you?"

"Was Naval Corpsman during the Invasion of Poland."

"Holy crap, you guys are **that** old?!" Asuka gasped.

"What of it?"

"Nothing, you just look... _young_."

"Fountain of Youth. Now, stop asking and start focusing on hanging on." Matt brushed the topic off.

'Great, compared to these two, Tifa and I are jailbaits!' Asuka thought disappointingly. Matt, however, was satisfied.

'Good, now they'll stop bugging us. Great plan, Chris.' Matt smiled, and looked at Chris whose situation didn't change from age factor. In fact, it just excited Tifa even more.

"This is so cool! I'm riding with a Marine!" Tifa squealed.

'Oooh, not so good. Sorry, Chris, but you shouldn't have participated in Iwo Jima.' Matt sighed. Chris smacked his own face three times.

"And we can get discount for dental appointments, health funds! Oh, and we can tell story to our kids, and you can teach our three sons football while I teach our three daughters how to bake!" Tifa kept going on and on since the mentioning of Chris' and Matt's military carrier.

"... What?" Chris questioned, which was ignored or wasn't heard since Tifa continued planning for '_their_' future. It brought attention to Asuka.

"That's not a bad idea, Tifa. Oh, Matt, such wonders we could have when we have a family!" Asuka hugged Matt.

"Well, that didn't last long." Matt sighed.

"God, I hope you're back. Because kill me now!" Chris complained.

_Las Vegas._

"Hey, guys, I have a call from two desperate men wanting to be killed, so I'll catch up to you later." God got up.

"Don't do it, man! Those bastards deserve it," a Naval officer folded his arms.

"Yeah, I mean, a Leatherneck's supposed to be rough and tough, not run out and have half of your men killed!" an elderly Marine barked.

"Well, those two did raise the flag." God thought it over.

"The first one. They weren't the famous flag raisers who took Matt's and Chris' battle credits." God stared in disbelief at the two.

"How did I allow you two into Heaven?"

"I'm Admiral Chester Nimitz."

"And I'm General Holland Smith."

"I guess I can stay for a few drinks." God sat down.

_Westersands._

"Oooh, really?! You were a Major?!" Tifa squaled. She wrapped Chris' arms around her.

"A Commander! Cool! You must have been so..." Asuka stroked Matt's chest from behind. "... _strong_."

"You know, Chris. I actually miss those three stooges," Matt whispered.

"I should have taken advantage of getting shot."

_Heaven._

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Franklin Sousley, Harlon Block and Michael Strank laughed and pointed at Matt and Chris.

"This is for being real heroes!" Rene Gagnon threw eggs and tomatoes at the authors.

"Shut up. Don't be jealous because you're not a real hero." Ira Hayes threw an atomic bomb at Rene.

"Leave me alone!" Rene stomped off.

_Back to Death Star Galactic Astronomical Incorporation._

"What's taking that guy?" Jin sat outside of the office Siegfried was in. Cloud was near a vending machine, playing with a yo-yo. Siegfried emerged from the room with lipstick marks all over his face and torso.

"What happened to you?" Jin asked.

"That woman's crazy! She was trying to eat me!" Siegfried pointed at the lipstick marks on his body. You see, Siegfried never got the chance to go on a date, especially with his mother's incestuous approach to him with 'Find The Tushie Under The Blanket' nudity games and showering together. Siegfried was also a member of a band of thieves called _Schwarzwind_ so he missed his date with Jennifer Love Hewitt to his prom. He also doesn't reciprocate Ivy's feelings or lustful fantasies, or that he has no idea why she pursues him to fulfill her demands of possibly raping him after discovering Nightmare's host's real appearance. This explains the lack of perception about the world of dating and or one-night-stands or any sexual activity to Siegfried. In fact, let's go back to a couple of years ago.

­_Flashback._

"I found it!" Siegfried happily said.

"Good, now massage it. There, that's the spot."

"Mommy, isn't this where you used to feed me milk?" Siegfried asked innocently.

"Yes, it is, now don't stop or you'll be spanked!"

"Yes, mommy."

_Another flashback._

"Mom, I'm home!" Siegfried entered his house.

"Did you do your homework?"

"Yes, like you said: do your homework at class so you can stay up all night."

"Good."

"Uhm... mom?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you always doing that?"

"Doing what?" Margaret Schtauffen unhooked her bra and dropped them on the floor.

_And another flashback._

"Mom, really, I can do this myself."

"No, you can't. Mother knows best, and she knows her son."

"But do you really have to scrub my pee-pee for two hours?"

"Yes, and stop asking and resisting. You'll thank my hands later."

"What in the world is that tingling on my..."

'Finally.'

_And another flashback._

"It's not you, it's me. Listen, I really have to go," Siegfried said on the phone.

"But I thought what we had was special!"

"I'm sorry, Jennifer Love Hewitt... but--"

"Why do you have to say my full name?"

"--but I know what you did last Summer. And that was filming _I know what you did last Summer_. Goodbye." Siegfried hung up.

"About damn time. Can we go?"

"Yep. To war!" Siegfried yelled. Everyone in Schwarzwind followed after, yelling and swinging paddles. What happened to Germany and Starbucks will be blamed on Siegfried Schtauffen in 2005. Jin Kazama will be blamed for destroying Yakushima the following year. Cloud Strife will be blamed for cutting power sources by destroying ShinRa and Guam Power Authority a few months after. The _Playboy_ Company took all mugshots.

_The final flashback._

"How dare you, fell beast! How dare you wield Soul Edge!" Ivy held her Ivy Blade.

"I... I blame you not. It is my fault for being controlled under Soul Edge's control..." Nightmare took off his helmet to reveal Siegfried.

"I take fully on my responsibility made for such a cause." Siegfried looked at Ivy innocently and courageously. Ivy drooled.

"You don't have to be in Schwarzstorm anymore. You're free of control. You--" Siegfried was talking but stopped when Ivy pinned him down, ripping his bluish armour off.

"Get this psychopathic stripper off of me!" Siegfried screamed.

_A couple of minutes later..._

"Deal!" Cervantes said. Siegfried shook his hand and left as soon as he heard Ivy yelling his name and the sexual tortures she promised him.

"Come back to me... my child!" Cervantes pulled out two wooden spoons.

"Silence, I can change my own destiny and the man I wish to fornicate with!" Ivy took out a belt with a spiky buckle. Cervantes' erection escaped his pants.

"I wonder why the authors make this story 4 percent incestuous." Ivy began fighting with her father. What happened after will be what the readers desire. You nasty fucks.

_Back to the story and realizing Siegfried's predicament and what would happen if Jin and Cloud were involved._

Jin looked inside to see the employer tied up. Siegfried and Jin ran away, dragging Cloud with them.

_Ten minutes later, after running around on the same path in the maze-like building._

"I think she's gone." Jin panted.

"Yeah, those ropes must have held her down good." Siegfried was relieved.

"So you tied her up and we ran away while she was tied up?" Cloud asked.

"Sure did. She would have caught us!" Siegfried flailed.

"But she was tied up. Right?" Cloud thought over.

"Yeah." Jin and Siegfried caught their breath back.

"That was a great idea, guys!" Cloud wiped sweat off his forehead.

"She would have caught us if she wasn't tied up!" Jin leaned against the wall.

"Good thing we escaped." Cloud went to a vending machine he found near them and got three drinks.

"What did you say, anyway?" Jin asked.

"All I said was I wanted to take a trip to Uranus," says Siegfried.

"Cool! I want to take my space shuttle to Uranus!" Jin was bedazzled.

"You have a space shuttle?"

"Mishima Zaibatsu does, but I own 70 percent after I beat Tekken 5 using Jin Kazama. He's a cool character."

"Dude, let's go to Uranus," Siegfried suggested.

"Dude, I want to take my space shuttle to Uranus."

"Sweet, I want to take **my** space shuttle to Uranus."

"Dude, I want to take **MY** space shuttle to Uranus."

"Sweet, I want to take **MY **space shuttle to Uranus."

"Dude, I want to go to Uranus."

"Sweet, I want to go to Uranus."

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

"DUDE!"

"SWEET!"

"DUDE!"

"URANUS!"

"Hey, guys, what are you talking about?" Cloud tossed bottles of Evian to the two.

"We want to go to Uranus," Siegfried said. Jin nodded and smiled a retarded smile similar to Siegfried's retarded smile.

"Rad, I want to take a trip to Uranus."

"Sweet," says Jin.

"Dude," says Siegfried. Somebody tapped Siegfried's shoulder.

"Talking about a trip, eh? Can I take a trip to your anus?" the old man from the beach asked.

"Oh, no..." Cloud remembered him.

"You're gay." Jin punched him. Soon they were being approached from running naked men.

"We're being attacked by fags!" Siegfried ran to one direction, but stopped when he saw the interviewer in front of him leaning against the wall, half naked. She was clearly retracing their steps due to the fact Siegfried, Jin and Cloud ran in the same pattern.

"You three get back here!" Siegfried, Jin and Cloud ran into a wall, breaking through it that left the exact shape of their body. Including their hairstyle.

"I would have gotten with those three, if it weren't for you meddling old men," the youthful, not to mention beautiful and exotic looking interviewer shook her fist and walked away. She was only wearing her black bra and panties. The old men looked at each other and proceeded to dog pile on her.

"Oh, God, no! I don't want to lose my virginity to a thousand stinking, fat, old men!" the lady yelled as fate and fat compressed her. And as soon as she thought all hope was lost...

"Chuck Norris' kicking range is as lengthy as your necks are elastic." Chuck Norris started delivering roundhouses to the old men, one by one.

_And as the battle enrages... and at the parking lot._

"I get it now! My tattoo says 'Dude' and yours says 'Sweet'!" Ashton Kutcher exclaimed.

"Sweet," Sean William Scott started.

"Dude."

"Sweet."

"Dude."

"Sweet."

"Mother of Muhammad, Grandfather of Buddha, Nurse of Ghandi, Jesus' Third Wife, save us!" Cloud wailed.

"I think we're safe. Let's get out of here!" Jin waved his arms around.

"That's a good idea. Let's go!" Siegfried pointed at the air. Cloud grabbed a fly.

"To where?" Cloud, Siegfried and Jin looked at each other, then to Ashton and Sean, then to each other again.

"Taco Bell?" Ashton suggested.

"Yeah." Jin seemed to agree.

"Space Taco," Sean and Cloud said simultaneously and smiled. Sean William Scott's mouth opened, which showed ridiculously large teeth, but not as large as Cloud's, who was also smiling. Jin started daydreaming. The five then left, but stopped before leaving the place completely.

"Dude... where's my space shuttle?" Siegfried asked. He began searching.

**AN: **Yep, sure was a while since we uploaded, but I had a couple of things going on so I had a busy schedule. I don't know Matt's excuse, sooo... TUNE IN NEXT TIME!


	18. Gotta' catch 'em all!

_Jail._

"You know, fuck all y'all!" Paul Phoenix yelled whilst banging on his cell.

"Dude, shut up already," Forrest said, lying on his cell bed.

"I tell's you's, man, it's because we're humans. Galacticism!" Paul pressed his face on the cell doors, to the point where his big, fat lips were sticking outside.

"GALACTICISM!" Paul yelled once more.

"Shut up, broom head!" Xianghua slapped the back of his head.

"I didn't do anything! Waaah!" Xiaoyu started crying.

"It's okay, let's all be friends." Barney smiled. It only made her cry even more. Xianghua got her nameless Chinese sword out because the guards were too dumb to notice Xianghua holding her sword or that you can keep your items while being inside a jail cell.

"I love you, you love me--"

"I'm not gay, man," Forrest said from the other side.

"Not you!" Barney looked over to Xiaoyu who's still crying and patted her head, slowly advancing to molest her.

"Chaaa!" Xianghua did a Soul Charge and repeatedly stabbed Barney in the heart.

"--we're... a... happ-y-y... famil... y..." Barney died.

"Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Xiaoyu hugged Xianghua.

"It's okay, sweetheart." Xianghua hugged her back.

"Sweetheart?" Paul and Forrest asked simultaneously. They noticed their question was unanswered, mainly because Xianghua and Xiaoyu were still hugging.

"This is awesome." Paul smiled a big redneck smile. "A-hyuck."

"Well, that's one down." Forrest looked at Barney's corpse. "One more to go." Forrest looked over to the other cellmate. Ronald McDonald started trembling in the corner.

"This purple shit reminds me of Kazuya." Paul placed a thumb on his chin, looking at Barney. Forrest, Xianghua and Xiaoyu, who got out of their hug, looked at Paul like he was stupid.

"What?"

"How the hell does he remind you of Kazuya?" Xianghua asked.

"Man, you're dumb." Forrest nodded. Xiaoyu nodded as well, wiping her tears.

"They're both evil and purple."

"Oh."

"Okay, you may bail," the fattest guard who just apprehended the four from Pizza Hut said, opening the cell doors.

"We're free!" Xiaoyu jumped up.

"Land! I see land!" Paul started kissing the ground.

"You idiot, we've been on land." Xianghua rolled her eyes.

"That's a dump. THIS is land!" Paul pointed to the ground he was kissing and proceeded to kiss it again, until he noticed the things on the floor.

"Oh, that? We have bulldogs watch some of the cellmates overnight, so they sometimes do their business here."

"Sick!" Paul started drinking some mouthwash.

"Where'd you get that?" Xianghua asked.

"Stole it before we got arrested." Paul closed the mouthwash.

"Okay, back in, the four of you!" the guard yelled, pushing them in again.

"Good job, broom head." Xianghua slapped him again.

"What? It said free samples!" Paul protested.

"Paul."

"Yeah, Forrest?"

"The free samples were for the cookies. Not the mouthwash, you idiot."

"Oh."

"Okay, you may bail."

"Again?" Xianghua groaned.

"Uh oh..." Forrest said.

"Land!" Paul ran outside, kissing the same spot he just kissed before.

"Bakka." Marshall somersault kicked Paul, sending him to the ceiling.

"Marshall!" Xiaoyu jumped on Marshall.

"Would you mind telling me what got you four in jail?"

"He made me do it!" Forrest pointed at Paul, still on the ceiling.

"What did you two do anyway? And you, Xiaoyu and... Xiaoyu." Marshall folded his arms.

"Dunno, we were eating at Pizza Hut when those six-armed blobs arrested us."

"There's two Xiaoyus?" Xiaoyu asked stupidly.

"Well, she looks like you."

"I'm Xianghua," Xianghua said, gritting her teeth.

"Can someone get me down?" Paul was kicking his feet. He somehow managed to get his head through the ceiling, and now he's stuck. Marshall sighed.

"You need to get back home, Forrest. Your mother's been bitching to me about you getting lost."

"Mom's looking for me?"

"Yep."  
"Oh, great..."

"Tell me about it. I'll handle whatever you're supposed to be doing here."

"We're not supposed to be doing anything."

"So, why are you in this fanfiction?"

"I don't know. The authors placed me here."

"Where are they?"

"Let's see..." Forrest opened up a book, which held the entire manuscript of the entire trilogy.

"Dalmasca Westersand, right before their Chocobos get sucked under and they fight Bahamut and Naraku and get rescued by Siegfried's space shuttle crashing on the two."

"I think you just spoiled what's going to happen in the next three or four chapters," says Xianghua.

"Oh. My bad."

"Alright, off you go!" Marshall kicked his son into some vortex, sending him back to his home.

"Guys?" Paul said.

"Oh, right. On three." Marshall, Xianghua and Xiaoyu got a hold of Paul's legs.

"One, two... three--"

"Ahhhh." Paul farted.

"EW!" Xiaoyu fainted.

"That's gross, man!" Marshall closed his nose. Xianghua was already in the other corner, holding a flamethrower filled with Febreeze ingredients inside.

"Let's get out of here." Paul jumped down.

"You weren't stuck?" Xiaoyu asked, completely recovered.

"Nah, did the same thing over at Marshall's before I emptied his fridge."

"He had proof, when he had his nose flatten from the wife." Marshall pointed to what's left of a shoe mark.

"Good times."

"Oooh! She wears my shoe size!" Xiaoyu squealed. Marshall and Paul looked at each other.

"Women," they said simultaneously.

"Come on, let's find the others." Xianghua pulled Xiaoyu's hands. Marshall and Paul followed right away.

_Back at the Law's home._

"Mom? Mom! I'm home!" Forrest started calling. Mrs. Law came out of the kitchen wearing an apron with an extremely mad face.

"Where's your father?" Mrs. Law asked furiously.

"He's with Paul."

"Again?!"

"Yeah. I'm going to my room." Forrest started walking up the stairs.

"Not so fast, until you finish the dishes your **father** was **supposed **to wash himself!" Mrs. Law pointed over to the sink. It had not one, but six piles of dirty dishes.

"What! I just got back from being missing and I'm supposed to wash those dishes?"

"You were missing?"

"You didn't know?"

"No, we just thought you were masturbating in your room again, so all we did was having boring, non-verbal sex."

"Gross..." Forrest grimaced.

"Wait, you mean neither of you knew or cared?"

"Yes."

"Okay, more importantly... you weren't worried... Dad didn't come to save me, but only to avoid washing the dishes."

"You're about right."

"God damn it, Dad!"

"Dishes! NOW!"

_Corneria Taco Bell._

"Yeah, can we have five chalupas?" Siegfried said to some box. They waited for a while.

"Do you think she's taking a nap?" Ashton asked.

"Sleeping on the job," the boys began chuckling awkwardly.

"Hello? Hey, can we have five chalupas? Are you even taking our orders?" Siegfried kept asking the box.

"Hey, fellas, I think you might want to go over there," Fox McCloud pointed over to Taco Bell's drive-thru speaker. Siegfried looked back at the box, which turned to be nothing beneficial to their hunger for taco since it was a public space-trashcan.

"Thanks." Siegfried started driving over to the drive-thru, crashing some X-Wings, Arwings and the Planet Express ship.

"Watch where you're going, you jerk!" Falco Lombardi yelled.

"Yeah! Wait, I can't breathe!" Phillip Fry started floating in space the moment he came out to complain about being bumped by Siegfried's space shuttle.

"I'll save him!" Bender elognated his arms, grabbing the unconscious Fry. Siegfried unrolled his window. How he has a window, a space shuttle and the ability to survive losing oxygen in space remains a mystery.

"Welcome to Space Taco Bell, where you can get your tacos anywhere in the universe. May I take your order?" some girl said mundanely.

"Dude, that box talks!" Ashton pointed at the speaker.

"Sweet!" Sean started observing the mechanism.

"Duuude!" Jin, Cloud and Ashton said.

"Yeah, can we have five chalupas?" Siegfried said to the speaker.

"The meal?"

"Yes, please."

"Would you like drinks with that, sir?"

"Hey, guys, what kind of drinks?"

"Dr. Pepper," says Cloud.

"Root Beer," says Jin.

"Space Beer," Ashton and Sean said, nodding their heads. Jin, Cloud and Siegfried smiled.

"Five Space Beers."

"That'll be $48.99," the girl taking their orders said.

"Anybody got a change for a fifty?" Siegfried held up a fifty-dollar bill. It had the head of Richard Nixon being chomped by Ulysses S. Grant's head.

"I only got a fifty." Jin held up a fifty-dollar bill.

"Same here," Cloud said.

"Sir, why don't you just give us a fifty dollar bill and we'll give you your meal and your change?" the lady suggested, sounding a little annoyed.

"You can do that?" Siegfried asked. The others boys gasped, feeling very astonished. Siegfried pulled up to pick up their food.

"Talk about _fast_ food." Jin noticed. Cloud and the others nodded.

"Here's your five chalupas and space beers. Enjoy your meal--" the girl handed them their food, after which she started noticing Siegfried. Their driver.

"Yeah!" Jin yelled, taking a sip of his space beer while Cloud high-fived Sean and Ashton was eating. Meanwhile, the background in Siegfried's and the girl who took their orders' worlds started turning into a shade of baby blue, with a grassy field and Siefried and the girl running towards one another with open arms. Before Siegfried gets attacked by cannibalistic bunnies.

"You're blocking the road!" Leela started honking her horn.

"There's no road!" Ashton called out, and then started laughing. Leela lowered her eye, because she has only one eye, and rammed Siegfried's space shuttle.

"Okay, okay! We're going!" Siegfried yelled. He looked back over to the girl, who was still staring and smiling.

"See you later," the girl said in a love-struck tone.

"Bye." Siegfried dashed away.

"Don't tell me you fell in love again, Misty." Ash Ketchum appeared right behind her.

"Ash! Don't scare me like that!" Misty gasped.

"Be glad the manager didn't catch you again," Ash said. They were both wearing Taco Bell uniforms.

"Pikaaachuuu!" Pikachu struck Ash with a thunderbolt.

"Gah-kah... ack..." Ash blew dust out from his mouth.

"Pssst, hey, Brock, look who got caught again." May leaned over to Brock.

"Looks like the boss shocked them again," Hikari said.

"That Misty can't keep her panties to herself, can she?" Nurse Joy shook her head, smiling. Officer Jenny started giggling.

"Misty's hopeless. Every guy she meets, she's gotta' catch 'em all." Brock shook his head.

"Siiieeegfriiieeed." Misty sighed in a love-dovey manner, writing his name with mayo all over the counter.

"You know his name already?" Pikachu raised its eyebrows.

"You can talk?" Misty raised hers.

"Hey, hanging around with Meowth has its benefits, you know." Pikachu folded its arms.

_In other news._

"And in other news, Dalmasca Westersand becomes inhabitant with mutant wolves and Bahamut," a reported said.

_Dalmasca Westersand._

"It's... so... **hot**!" Matt started leaning forwards. Asuka was leaning on his back, completely baked from the heat.

"Here." Chris tossed Matt and Asuka bottles of water, and handed Tifa one.

"Thanks, man." Matt lifted his bottle and started drinking.

"Oh, Chris, you're a lifesaver, and--" Tifa started exaggerating again, but stopped once she noticed his shirt was on the Chocobo's head. She took this moment to turn around, and see him without his shirt.

'He's drinking water. And water is dripping from his body. In this hot... hot... desert... hot... hot... h-hot...' Tifa started drooling until their Chocobos collapsed.

"Whoa!" Chris yelled. He landed right on top of Tifa.

"AH!" Matt fell down. Asuka landed right on top of him. In fact, she was sitting on him with her back leaning opposite of his position.

"Huh, they must have been dehydrated." Chris took note. He was still on top of Tifa. Tifa stared at his muscular physique.

'Battle scars!' Tifa squealed.

"Asuka?"

"Yeah, Matt?" Asuka panted.

"Can you get off of me?"

"But it's so tiring!"

"Girl, you complain a lot." Matt got up and threw Asuka his shirt to use for shade.

"Thanks, Matt." Asuka placed his shirt. As soon as she got up, she giggled at the position Chris and Tifa were in. His and her hips were touching each other.

'Kodak moment. I wonder if this guy even knows he's still on top of her,' Matt thought.

'You go, girl!' Asuka smiled.

'Alright, there are rocks over to the north, so we should take that way to get some shade and rest. I wonder if there's an oasis.' Chris rubbed his chin.

'Oh, God, Tifa. Breathe!' Tifa's eyes kept traveling all over Chris.

Asuka smiled and turned around to Matt, who had his fist on his hips. Now, it's Asuka's turn with Matt.

'Battle scars!' Asuka started drooling.

"There are some rocks up north. So I think over those rocks might be civilization. We could rest there for a moment until we're fully replenished. Besides, we have water and it's not that far." Chris pointed over to the rocks that were only a five-minute walk.

"I took note. But, uh... Chris?"

"What?"

"Look around you. And realize you're in the missionary position." Matt smiled and motioned over to him, since he was still on top of Tifa.

"Huh? Oh. Damn it." Chris got up and dusted some sand off of him.

'Darn! So close!' Tifa started scolding herself.

"Asuka?" Chris started waving his hands around. Matt's smiile quickly turned into a frown after Chris didn't get a response, groaning a little. He turned to Asuka, only to see a small puddle forming around her from her extensive drool.

"Roooaaar!" King appeared out of nowhere, pounding his chest.

"Poser." King Kong scoffed. The animal control police quickly arrested King. Headhunters shot down King Kong.

"We caught the chupacabra!"

"That was stupid." Tifa rolled her eyes.

"To the rocks!" Matt pointed at the rocks, leaning forwards. Matt held this stance for a few seconds. Chris passed by Matt and shook his head.

"I'm so tired!" Tifa whined, stomping the ground. Chris sighed and piggybacked Tifa.

"Yay!" Tifa hugged Chris from behind. Matt looked back to see Asuka, standing in the same area with drool still slipping out of her mouth.

"Wow. If she continues this, she might create her own Bermuda Triangle. Hey, Asuka, you might wanna catch up before those nasty headhunters rape you," Matt called out.

"Huh? Ew!" Asuka saw the headhunters, who resembled the old men from the beach in Townsville if it weren't for their primitive ape-like nose. They were making disgusting gestures, including one of the headhunters pressing his forefinger against his nipple.

"Gross!" Asuka yelled, running to Matt. Before Matt could say, "I told you so," she jumped on his back as soon as she saw Tifa being piggybacked.

"Chris, why did you accept that offer to write a well-planned story even though it started getting chaotic, to the point where we get dragged in and correct the wrongs?" Matt asked after catching up.

"It's either back to the military, or you making your part of the story. You pick." Chris increased speed.

"Weee!" Tifa hollered.

"At least my job wasn't that bad!" Matt called out.

"It's because you were a nurse in the Navy!" Chris yelled.

"Hey, I raised that flag, too! And I had to run over to save your ass before your intestines would spill out!" Matt retorted. He started running after him.

"Whoooaaa!" Asuka held on.

"My intestines were never spilling out! I was on the other side of the field!" Chris yelled back.

_Five minutes later._

"Oh, yeah, then who was the one huddling in the corner, hoping their mommy would come save them when those Japanese were bombarding!?" Matt scowled.

"Alex Trebek."

"Oh, yeah. Well, then who was the crybaby who thought we were going to tortured and have our genitalia stuffed in our mouths when the rescue team found us?"

"Regis Philbin. For Christ's sake, Matt, I was trying to make sure no one found us."

"Oh, that's right. Hey, I did something, too, man."

"I know. I wasn't the one complaining about being a nurse."

"You were a nurse?" Asuka asked.

"Naval Corpsman. We act as doctors. But Chris just makes fun of it."

"What was Chris?"

"Force Recon."

"Oooh! Really? Where is he?" Tifa's eyes went wide.

"He's gone!" Asuka gasped. Tifa's lips started trembling again.

"Don't worry, he's not gone. He probably went to the bathroom or somewhere. I don't know," Matt assured. 'Should have joined the S.E.A.L.s when they asked. Now I know why he uses stealth.'

"Hey, guys, you might want to check this out!" Chris whispered a little loud from the top.

'Oh...' Matt started climbing the rocks. Tifa and Asuka followed suit, with Asuka's face close to Matt's... pelvis.

It took them a while to climb up the rocky mountain. They found Chris sitting on a boulder with a cigarette in hand. Tifa sighed and started her daydreaming again.

Matt looked over to see a tribal ritual happening below. They were anthropomorphic camels, doing ritualistic dancing around a large totem pole.

"Uh, Chris, you might want to kill that cigarette," Matt suggested.

"For what? I haven't smoked all day," Chris protested.

"I have," Asuka piped up.

"I'm sure you did." Chris wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Matt and Asuka. Asuka blushed. Matt rolled his eyes and turned to Asuka.

"Since when do you smoke?"

"Oh, no, I don't. I just wanted to see your reaction."

"It wouldn't make a difference," Matt said.

"Oh? Do you smoke?" Asuka asked.

"No."

"Me neither."

"Only on occasions."

"Me too."

"On second thought, I've never touched a cigarette."

"Yeah, those things are disgusting." Asuka made a grimacing face.

"But they can be so addicting."

"Totally, it's like you can't stop."

"Good thing I never smoke."

"Yeah, my lungs are healthy."

'_Wow._ This girl...' Matt chuckled and shook his head. Chris blew out smoke, and the pagans turned around to where they were. Matt, Asuka, Chris and Tifa ducked down.

"I think they know we're here!" Tifa gasped. She started hugging Asuka.

"Chris, kill it!" Matt whispered.

"**All** of them?! I'm not running through those!" Chris peaked over.

"I'm talking about your cigarette, man."

"Oh." Chris threw his cigarette down and squashed it with his foot.

"I think nicotine somehow attracts them or they have really strong smelling," Matt said.

"Probably strong sense of smell. Or... not." Chris was still watching them.

"How do you know?" Tifa asked.

"Their chief-elder's name is Marlboro Greens," Chris responded.

"What, you have good vision?" Matt peaked as well. He saw a large sign behind a camel dressed in clothing suited for a chief-elder saying "Marlboro Greens."

"Oh."

"And their war-chief's name is Marlboro Reds!" Tifa peaked over herself. Asuka did the same. Matt and Chris looked at each other.

"Pun." Matt chuckled.

"And I thought you had something against camels." Chris lit up another cigarette.

"Chris, don't smoke! They'll catch us!" Asuka panicked.

"Don't worry, they won't," Chris reassured her.

"He's smoking L&M Reds," says Matt. Chris nodded. Asuka looked over to camel tribe and saw that they didn't take heed in Chris smoking a different brand of cigarettes.

"Lucky thing we went to Puerto Rico." Matt chuckled.

"Oooh, Puerto Rico!" Tifa and Asuka leaned forwards to Chris and Matt.

"His mission, not mine. I was visiting." Chris pointed over to Matt.

"Thanks a lot, man." Matt lowered his eyebrows. Asuka started hugging Matt's arms.

"Anytime." Chris smiled and leaned back.

**AN:** Will the authors ever get back to the plot? Yes, they will right as soon as the _other_ co-author posts **his** part up. Until then, fillers will be used. Yeah, we're conceited assholes.

"By the way, kids. Don't smoke, it's really bad for your health." Chris appears from behind the curtains.

"Smoking damages your lungs and you can be prone to lung cancer. It can also be liable for any other diseases, such as pneumonia and maybe tuberculosis." Matt joined in.

"In real life, I smoke, but in this fanfiction it's only used for puns and for shits and giggles." Chris nodded. Matt looked at Chris.

"What?"

"Shits and giggles?"

"Who takes smoking in fanfiction seriously?"

"Probably you, since you're a heavy smoker."

"Anyway. Don't do drugs, especially ice. Makes your spine twitch."

"Stay in school!" Matt waved to the applauding crowd.

"Now back to the plot..." Chris turned around to see a pregnant Asuka and Tifa. Matt was about to groan and question why they stuffed their bellies with pillows when...

"Besides, smoking can cause premature birth and kill babies!" Tifa said as a last note. The girls hugged the boys' arms.

"Awww," the crowd swooned.

"Shit..." Chris and Matt smacked their heads.


	19. Blue Lasers or Red Lasers?

_The Death Star's Progress._

"Are you sure we ordered this?" Heihachi leaned forward holding up the schematics for some advanced beam weapon.

"I don't remember ordering it, what about you, Spawn?" Nightmare replied as he leaned forward, taking hold of a corner.

"I didn't do it." Spawn replied as he hunched over the two. They all looked up at the massive crate and back at the schematics.

"Yarrr. What ye be lookin' at, maties?" Cervantes stepped out from a door as smoke rose from the ground, shrouding him for a moment.

"Cervantes! Mah brotha'. How ya bin', nigga'?" Nightmare began flashing gang signs before being smashed in the back of the head by Spawn.

"Sorry." Nightmare fixed his helmet.

"Thought I'd drop in and see how the ship's construction was coming along." Cervantes looked up at the massive crate. "What the hell is that?"

"We're not sure what it is. See, we ordered this beam but they sent us this." Heihachi pointed to the crate with a Federation Starship painted on the side.

Cervantes took the order form and eyed Heihachi, "Aren't you loaded? What's with this generic beam shit?"

"It's much more affordable!" Heihachi crossed his arms, still in his mowashi belt.

"You're a cheap ass... is that why you wear that dia-" Spawn started

"MOWASHI BELT!" Heihachi's eyes suddenly got wide; he grimaced, and walked away in an awkward manner.

"What just happened?" Cervantes looked questioningly at Heihachi as he stepped through a door.

"I don't know... but I use to make that face before taking a dump when I was a kid." Spawn snickered.

"Listen, guys. Someone ordered this beam weaponry and it wasn't us. Don't you think that's suspicious?" Nightmare began examining the crate.

"Who cares, matey? This technology is much more advanced."

"Of course it is. That moron George Lucas could never come up with effective, non-boxy weaponry." Captain Picard nodded.

"It... is time... for us... to do battle... Mister... Pi...card!" replied Captain Kirk.

"Who the hell are they?" Spawn pointed as the two began looking the opposite direction of each other, trying to slap each other's faces.

"Nevermind that." Nightmare pulled up a switch as Cervantes and Spawn took hold of some secure poles. The bay doors opened and the two captains were sucked into space where their heads eventually exploded. Nightmare then shut the door and the resumed their conversation.

"Well, whoever got it must know something about the technology." Spawn nodded.

"Or, it could be a trap..." Heihachi returned wearing a bow tie and a black thong.

"... Oh God... Oh Jesus, no..." Nightmare began to crumple into the fetal position.

"Old man, go put on some clothes!" Spawn covered his eyes and shoed the old man.

"Come over to my ship, mate. I've got some old man clothes for ye to wear." Cervantes and Heihachi began sauntering off to the hangers.

"If he comes back wearing a frilly pirate shirt..."

"Relax, Spawn. Anything's better than... that." Puke began dripping from the confines of Nightmare's armor.

"Ah, sick man!" Spawn took a step back.

"If you had a mouth you'd be doing the same thing."

"... Yeah."

Heihachi and Cervantes soon returned, Heihachi now dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, make up and all.

"You look like a girl."

"Nah, he looks more like a fag."

"Shut up, you two!"

"Yarrrrr."

"Hey dad, someone's here to- why are you dressed like that?" Kazuya stared at the old man, wondering why he looked so visually appealing.

"Brittany... I'd appreciate it if you didn't look at me like that."

"Shut up. And my name's not Brittany, you old fart."

"Might want to change that shirt then, Holmes." Spawn pointed at the breast line which read _I am Brittany._

"My other shirts are being washed!" Kazuya looked down and squished the floor, acting shyly.

"Don't you normally go shirtless anyway?"

"Shut up, old man! Wait a minute, you actually noticed?"

Kazuya heaved heavily for five minutes before he finally calmed down. Heihachi glared at Kazuya.

"It's okay, dude... I understand. Your dad probably doesn't get it, but I do." Spawn nodded.

"I hate you..." Heihachi scowled at his son.

"You're an asshole..." Kazuya scowled back.

"Seriously, dude... who throws people into volcanoes?"

"Some crazy African tribes."

"That's a lie!"

"You die now!" Heihachi lifted Spawn over his head, "Wait... there's no volcanoes in space."

"Haha! Sucka'!"

"Hey... is someone going to tell me why we have this laser or not?" Nightmare had begun tapping his foot impatiently.

"Oh, right... There's some guy to see you, old man."

"I am not an old man!" Heihachi dropped Spawn, looking back at his son with tear-filled eyes. Nightmare gave him a "WTF" look.

"Right... anyway, the guy says he's the one who ordered your laser."

"Send him in, foolish daughter!"

"I'm your son!"

"Whatever. And get out of that skirt."

"It's a kilt!"

"Nice try, but that only works for my diaper fetish!"

"I knew it was a diaper!" Nightmare gagged.

"No, no, my friend. It is a mowashi belt."

"Thank you, Zorro." Heihachi nodded as Zorro rode off.

"Yarrr... send him in, you scallywag!"

"Right, right. Come on in, man!" Kazuya pressed a button.

A door slid open, massive puffs of smoke fumed from out of the door. A man-shaped figure could be seen, though it appeared

eyes were long and square, and his head had unusual prongs coming from his head.

"It's been a long time... cousin." Heihachi smirked slightly at the figure who began stepping forward.

"Too long, Heihachi... too long." The smoke began to clear and the man could be seen in full.

Who is the mysterious cousin of Heihachi?! Are these chapters actually getting shorter? Is this just another filler? Stfu, no it's not! This is serious.


	20. American Pie, in Space!

_Westersand._

"God, I can't stand to watch another minute of those camels doing the rain dance." Asuka folded her arms.

"I don't know, it seems pretty intriguing. Right, Chris!" Tifa popped up.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because... because..." Tifa began pondering. She put her finger on her chin, thinking of a proper excuse to make a conversation with one of the authors.

"Just because!" Tifa finally said.

"This is lame. And where are those three idiots? Weren't they supposed to rescue us?" Matt looked up at the sky, searching for any signs of the three stooges.

"I can't be arsed to bother anymore. This story's not even coordinated. Everyone's running around, camels are procreating with each other's chins, and it's 3pm. I'm late for work." Chris started pacing back and forth.

"Bah. Might as well do something." Asuka started smacking a pack of cigarettes on the base of her palm.

"I thought you said you never smoke." Matt narrowed his eyes.

"He influenced me." Asuka pointed at Chris.

"And how did I do that?"

"Because... because..." Asuka started putting her finger on her chin, thinking of a proper reason so she wouldn't look stupid in front of Matt.

"Just because!" Asuka placed one stick in her mouth, preparing to light it up, when...

"NO!" Matt and Chris were about to pull the sparked lighter away from the cigarette, but were too late.

"Uh oh..." Tifa squeaked.

_Five minutes later._

"Whatever happens, I want you to know something, Tifa." Chris turned over to Tifa.

"Yes, Chris?" Tifa's eyes began watering.

"Get your breasts reduced." Matt smirked.

"That also. But I just wanted to say... I hope they eat you first," says Chris.

"Eat me... first?" Tifa looked at him questionably. She began giggling which escalated into snorting. After a few seconds, she found out Chris was serious.

"Oh... YOU DON'T LIKE ME!! WAAAHHH!"

"Oh, good job, Christopher!" Asuka rolled her eyes.

"Well, this is it. Nice knowing you guys." Matt sighed. He looked at the camels who surrounded them not too long ago, after which they placed them in a large pot of steaming water. One camel began cutting carrots into the bowl.

"You know, I saw this in one Bugs Bunny episode." Asuka brought up.

"Christ, the least they can do is let me go. I'm Asian, I don't have any meat on me." Chris tried struggling to get free, but he was wrapped in specialized bonds that don't allow Filipinos to get loose.

"Racists."

"Eat Chris first! He has meat!" Matt started yelling.

"I don't have meat, man."

"I'm talking about your muscle mass."

"... Fuck you, too." Chris rolled his eyes. Then something came into mind.

"EAT THE GIRLS! They have a lot of fat in those ridiculously large breasts of theirs." Chris motioned to the girls.

"What!" Asuka felt like slapping him.

"WAAAHHH!"

"What do you take us for, stupid?" the camel war-chief asked.

"Yes," all four of them responded.

"Besides, Asuka's bosoms are 10 percent fat with her size." Matt nodded.

"How do you know?" Chris asked.

"Just guessing."

"Well, too bad. We're eating you all. Besides, we've been starving. Our Camel cigarettes have been bankrupt for the past two decades."

"Bankrupt? How can it be bankrupt when I smoke that brand? Especially when it's in high demand for smokers who are over their mid 30s."

"The statistics for U.S. smokers have purchased Marlboro Reds more than Camels cigarettes. Marlboro became more popular compared to ours."

"Isn't your company in league with Marlboro?"

"Not anymore. We're enemies now, so whoever smokes Marlboro cigarettes, we can detect they're near."

"That's why they were able to sense we were nearby when Chris lit up a Marlboro Red..." Asuka thought to herself... a little bit too loud. The camels turned to Chris.

"Thanks, Asuka." Chris narrowed his eyes.

"Well, since you've purchased our mortal enemies' cigarettes, we will devour you first!"

"Does anybody hear anything?" Matt asked. Tifa stopped crying and Asuka started smiling.

"What are you smiling about, Breasticus Prime?" one of the camels asked.

"They're heeereee," Asuka said.

_In reference to who's here._

"Houston! We have a problem!" Siegfried started shouting on his microphone, which led directly to his space shuttle's intercom.

"Dude, I can hear you!" Ashton Kutcher started laughing awkwardly.

"We're going to die! Holy shit, dude! We're going to die!" Cloud wailed. Jin started sucking his thumb in the corner.

"Awww, yeeeaaah..." Sean William Scott started moaning. Evidently, every since the space shuttle hit an asteroid and started descending down on Ivalice, he's been having intercourse with an apple pie.

"Siegfried to Star Command! Come in, Star Command! Our ship has collided with an asteroid and we're burning up! Requesting for in-air assistance!" Siegfried yelled to his mic, which was a baby rattle.

"Siegfried, watch out!" Cloud pointed at the thing in front of them.

"Oh, yeeeaaah," the guy who does the Kool-Aid commercials said as he was hit.

"Hey, we can land there where those Land Before Time dinosaurs are," says Ashton.

_Dalmasca Westersand._

"Don't lose your way. With each passing day. You've come so far. Don't throw it away!" Little Foot, Cera, Ducky and Spike started swaying together.

"Live believing, dreams are for weaving- OH, MY GOD!" Petrie was about to fly away, but sadly the nose of the space shuttle as well as the other dinosaurs rammed him. The space shuttle came to a halt just before it hit Little Foot.

"Hahaha, you guys got made!" Little Foot started laughing.

"Ahahahaha- ouch." Little Foot was smashed flat by the ramp of the space shuttle as Siegfried, Cloud, Ashton, and Jin came out.

"We'll leave Sean there for a while." Siegfried pointed at Sean still having sex with the apple pie.

"Hey." the Kool-Aid guy caught up with them.

"Dude, you're alive!" Ashton high-fived the Kool-Aid guy.

"Hell yeah."

"Awesome, man. Let's go find the local Taco Bell." Siegfried was heading towards a city.

"No, man. I want Burger King." Jin started walking over a large mountain.

"Good idea. I want it my way." Cloud followed.

"Oooohhh, yeeeaaahhh."

_A couple of minutes later._

"Gahhh..." the war-chief camel puffed some smoke out of his mouth.

"Well, at least their space shuttle saved us." Matt started untying Asuka's bonds.

"Faster... faster... oh, lord. That feels nice." Asuka started moaning.

'_Dumb, weird fuck_.' Matt sliced the bonds with his pocketknife.

"Never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you all showed up." Chris started rubbing his wrists.

"Where's the Burger King that was supposed to be here?" Siegfried asked. Cloud began looking around.

"Yeah, where is it?!" Jin scowled.

"What Burger King?" Matt asked.

"I don't know, you're the authors. Make one appear," Jin demanded.

"Or what?!" Matt started cracking his knuckles.

"Jesus, Matt." Chris shook his head, and grabbed a hammer and some nails, probably trying to build a Burger King with the tribe's remains.

"My hero!" Asuka praised Matt.

_Meanwhile._

"I think I'm safe..."

"Oh, no you're not." Nina Williams appeared out of the shadows with a green barret and an M2 machine gun.

"I don't have gold! I swear's it!" the Lucky Charms leprechaun held his arms up.

"Don't be lyin' to me, boy. I know ye' got the gold som'where in 'ere." Nina aimed the gun at the Lucky Charms mascot.

"I don't think so." the Lucky Charms guy snapped his fingers, and Anna Williams came out.

"Come over here, let me talk to you real close." Anna Williams motioned her arms to her sister.

"That's jus' 'rong, Anna. Ya' turnin' out to be girl-on-girl lovin', aren't ye', lass." Nina shook her head.

"I'm not a lesbian!" Anna protested.

"I bet yer not." Nina smirked.

"You bitch!" Anna started kicking and screaming.

"That look is priceless!" Nina started laughing because Anna's looks and figure turned, from a voluptuous and sensual woman, to an obese and greasy cafeteria lady.

"You wouldn't understand! We fat people have feelings, too!" Anna started munching on some Lays sweet 'n sour chips.

"I bet ya' do. Now, time for meh gold, lad." Nina aimed the gun back at the Lucky Charms leprechaun, but he was unfortunately smashed by Anna William's second slab of fat that rolled out and pummeled the poor fellow.

"You bitch!" Nina lunged at Anna, but she ricocheted from her obesity. She flew outside of the building to another building next to them. Then it collapsed.

"Now... **that** look is priceless!" Anna started mocking Nina, who was turned flat after the building collapsed on her.

"At least I ain't no fat piece 'o shit who gets rejected from society." Nina blew herself back to her shape again.

"Waaahhh!" Anna cried.

_Naboo Royal Palace._

"I am so bored!" Queen Amidala started complaining.

"Patience, my queen. Patience." Qui-Gon Jinn started waving his fingers around all Jedi fashioned.

"You suck." Queen Amidala threw some eggs at Qui-Gon, who just stopped the eggs.

"Use the force!" Yoda started yelling at Qui-Gon.

"I'm trying!" Qui-Gon started pushing himself harder as the eggs were slowly picking up speed.

"Losers." Queen Amidala left.

"USE THE FORCE!" Yoda continued yelling.

"I'm trying!" Qui-Gon screamed. Before it could get anymore stupid, Gandalf farted. Yoda, Qui-Gon and Luke Skywalker stared at Gandalf.

"Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It stinks! I'm getting the spray!" Luke started heading for the closet, but Gandalf appeared in front of him. He started raising his staff.

"YOU- SHALL NOT- PASS!" Gandalf planted his staff on the floor, causing the concrete to rise up as a Balrog appeared side-by-side with Gandalf.

"Dude, come on! Don't let us suffocate on your fart!" Qui-Gon plead.

"He used the Force- TOO MUCH!" Yoda fainted. Luke started clutching for air.

"God... Jesus... Buddha... anybody, save us!" Qui-Gon screamed.

"Someone called for me?" the Powdered Toast Man crashed through the window. Gandalf stared at the Powdered Toast Man, and special effects were taken while the two glared at each other.

"The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin..." Gandalf unsheathed his sword.

"Your evil ways are no more, fiend!" the Powdered Toast Man yelled, putting his hand in between his armpits and started squeezing them. He made fart sounds with his armpits that launched an array of missiles at Gandalf.

_Royal Chambers._

"I wish Kazuya was here." Queen Amidala sighed.

"Oh, well, time to do some... queenly... stuff." Jun Kazama, a.k.a. Queen Amidala started dialing some numbers.

"Yes, I would like to make a collect call? To Michelle Chang."

"If you're thinking I'd clean up your dog's poo, hang up right now!" Michelle picked up the phone.

"Huh? Michelle, it's Jun."

"Oh! Oh, my God, Jun!"

"Yo', girlfriend!"

"It's been **so** long! How's the hubby?" Michelle started filing her nails.

"It's been totally dull! I mean, like, who goes out and builds planet devastators nowadays?" Jun sat on her queen-sized bed, reading a Teen Beat magazine.

"Totally. They can be affectionate one minute, the next- they're in some Star Wars-esque story with their father."

"Yeah, I mean, could life get any more boring?"

"Amen, chicka. Okay, okay, I just thought of something."

"What's that?"

"Shopping!"

"I am so there in three minutes!"

"Aren't you on Naboo?"

"We have a teleporter."

"That's hot."

"Oh, yeah."

"See ya' later, girl!"

"Much love. Mwuah." Jun hung up, and started going to her wardrobe.

"Your friend did **NOT** just steal my catchphrase." Paris Hilton placed her fists on her hips.

"Shut up, bitch. No one likes you. Guard!" Jun hollered, having her muscular Mexican guards who are wearing bowties and speedos stab Paris with tridents.

"You can't mess with royalty. M'hrm!" Jun bobbed her head side to side like a black woman.


End file.
